Nothing bothers me more than a brown-noser. Sure we have our share of obsequious maggots here in Hell. Pain tends to make one rather compliant. However on the earthly plane there is a particularly nauseating tradition in the Alpine regions which stokes an inferno in my gullet. I refer to the character of "the Krampus". In many European cultures Santa Claus, St. Nick, or Father Christmas depending on whatever alias applies, sometimes has helpers other than elves that follow him around during the season. In Austria, a tradition left over from pagan times holds that St. Nicholas in his triumph over evil was able to subjugate a demon to do his bidding. This hairy, long tongued demon known as the Krampus carries a switch and wears chains as a sign of his servitude. While St. Nick gives gifts to the good, the Krampus beats the stuffing out of those who have been naughty and crams them into his sack. His big day is December 5th, the day before the fat man shows up, known as St. Nicholas Eve or Krampus Day. People dress as the Krampus and wander around the village square terrorizing children and dodging their snowballs. How humiliating!
In Southern Austria this initial ritual has expanded to a full week-end extravaganza! The Krampusfest (Kränchen) begins on the Saturday after St. Nicholas Eve. This is more of an adult event as the focus is actually on BEING naughty. Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed and later expressed by rather unnatural but sadly inevitable means.
In the Netherlands this story evolved into the tradition of "Black Peter" (Zwarte Piet), a black Moor in colorful pantaloons, feathered cap, and Renaissance costume. His role is the same as the Krampus, but since Peter is supposedly a foreign "devil" from Spain, he spirits naughty children back to his homeland in a sack that he carries. Odd, I thought most people thought New Jersey was hell. For obvious reasons the more modern version of the story has Black Peter gaining his coloration from chimney soot rather than heritage. Jessie Jackson stands unconvinced.
Now the theme of righteous men having control over infernal powers is nothing new to myth and legend. According to Jewish folklore King Solomon had a ring which gave him power over demons. It was said that it was this spiritual labor force that helped build his temple. Bet Hollywood could use THAT during the writer's strike! Of course neither architecture nor following a dotty old gift giver truly appeal to me this holiday season. I'm just going to do what I do every Christmas Eve...steal parking spaces away from last minute shoppers! Bwahaahahahahahha!
Brackish
P.S. A list of other "Tim Burtonesque" companions can be found here.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Push Button Larceny
We live in an age where technology contributes to make even the most mundane tasks of life effortless to accomplish. People can change channels on the television without lifting their expanding bums off the sofa or they can shop online without ever stepping into a store. Crime too has been affected by this extreme focus on convenience. A woman in South Carolina attempted to rob a bank WITHOUT LEAVING THE CAR (story here)! Barbara Joyner of Callahan, Fla drove up to the South Carolina Bank & Trust drive through and slipped a note into the tube demanding money from the teller. Unmoved, the teller notified police while Barbara waited for her withdrawal. Sadly Ms. Joyner's choice of banks was also convenient...for the police. She was only up the block from the police station, so when they were notified they only had to chase her through the parking lots of two stores before apprehending her.
This is the backlash of our propaganda, I'm afraid. In our push to emphasize the "quick fix" over hard work to provide one's needs, even the quality of sin suffers. True we benefit regardless of HOW the deed is done, but where is the pride in a job well done? It's a great way to bump up one's quota for the week to be sure but these "wins" look rather paltry on the resumé. So I propose we back off on sloth and impatience and emphasize pride in the New Year. In this way we can obtain both quality and quantity in our "collars". With any luck our subjects will be clever enough to become repeat business for us by not getting caught. I'm feeling that '08 will be the year of the crime spree, I mean apart from Microsoft.
Brackish
This is the backlash of our propaganda, I'm afraid. In our push to emphasize the "quick fix" over hard work to provide one's needs, even the quality of sin suffers. True we benefit regardless of HOW the deed is done, but where is the pride in a job well done? It's a great way to bump up one's quota for the week to be sure but these "wins" look rather paltry on the resumé. So I propose we back off on sloth and impatience and emphasize pride in the New Year. In this way we can obtain both quality and quantity in our "collars". With any luck our subjects will be clever enough to become repeat business for us by not getting caught. I'm feeling that '08 will be the year of the crime spree, I mean apart from Microsoft.
Brackish
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Dreaming of a Black and Blue Christmas
Once the tryptophan wears off and the weather begins to turn cold, people's thoughts begin to turn to the joyous yuletide season. Actually people's minds begin turning in October, but that's the doing of over zealous retail stores. With the pressures of trying to create the perfect Norman Rockwell holiday memory the simple message of "peace on Earth and good will to men", is lost in a crimson haze of frustration, greed and frenzied materialism. Not quite the birthday "He Who Sits on the Right" would appreciate, but with all of the blood and money flowing it does explain why the holiday colors are red and green. It is truer to human nature than the sentiments espoused in Hallmark Christmas cards. I love this holiday!
The compulsion to be happy and to make others happy creates enough stress that the seams begin to show during even the most innocuous of activities, such as waiting in line to see Santa (story here). Three mothers got into a shoving match while waiting for the overweight God-substitute to parachute into the Anaheim Town Square on Friday. I guess he had to practice an emergency ejection in case the reindeer were shot down by terrorists. Anyway the tussle continued for thirty seconds without injury. I'm sure the parents then impressed upon the kids the need to be good because Santa was watching...along with the security guards.
Many tempters in the field might find it surprising that the day marking the beginning of our defeat can be an effective tool in creating mass casualties for their side. However there is truly no greater temptation needed other than the human desire to be happy. The Enemy never promised happiness in this life when people joined His side. He promised them eternal life and peace in the NEXT life. He allows pain and suffering to be the forces that sculpt believers into little versions of His son, as they learn not to rely on their own resources, but to trust in Him. But all of that is so much WORK! Instead of responding to the mercy the Enemy showed in sacrificing His son for the sins of all, it's easier to save 20% on all electronic goods. It's easier to buy people things, or cook people things, or to engage in happy fun activities...any-THING to distract a human from thinking about where they are going to go when they die.
Changing how one lives his life is tougher than changing how one spends his money or his time. Happy family memories may not be beneficial for us, but if they take priority over the actual meaning of the holiday then let them drink their nog and sing their songs. In the end WE are the ones who get what we want for Christmas.
Too bad it only comes once a year,
Brackish
The compulsion to be happy and to make others happy creates enough stress that the seams begin to show during even the most innocuous of activities, such as waiting in line to see Santa (story here). Three mothers got into a shoving match while waiting for the overweight God-substitute to parachute into the Anaheim Town Square on Friday. I guess he had to practice an emergency ejection in case the reindeer were shot down by terrorists. Anyway the tussle continued for thirty seconds without injury. I'm sure the parents then impressed upon the kids the need to be good because Santa was watching...along with the security guards.
Many tempters in the field might find it surprising that the day marking the beginning of our defeat can be an effective tool in creating mass casualties for their side. However there is truly no greater temptation needed other than the human desire to be happy. The Enemy never promised happiness in this life when people joined His side. He promised them eternal life and peace in the NEXT life. He allows pain and suffering to be the forces that sculpt believers into little versions of His son, as they learn not to rely on their own resources, but to trust in Him. But all of that is so much WORK! Instead of responding to the mercy the Enemy showed in sacrificing His son for the sins of all, it's easier to save 20% on all electronic goods. It's easier to buy people things, or cook people things, or to engage in happy fun activities...any-THING to distract a human from thinking about where they are going to go when they die.
Changing how one lives his life is tougher than changing how one spends his money or his time. Happy family memories may not be beneficial for us, but if they take priority over the actual meaning of the holiday then let them drink their nog and sing their songs. In the end WE are the ones who get what we want for Christmas.
Too bad it only comes once a year,
Brackish
Friday, November 16, 2007
If Only He Had Cash for the Laundrymat.
Now no one enjoys doing the laundry. I myself tend to put it off as long as possible, but last week my Mongolian Death Worm had digestive problems so I was liberally dipping into the clorox almost daily. Apparently though the person in my next story couldn't be bothered. He wore the same clothes he wore during a bank robbery for two days even though they were covered with the remains of a DYE PACK! (story here)
I admire his work ethic, pulling off three robberies in one week. But where is the style, the finesse? John Dillinger would have at least changed his shirt after doing a job! Those were the days, robbers wore suits, ties and had clean haircuts. Willie Sutton was an immaculate dresser, when he dressed as himself, that is. Usually he wore disguises when he robbed banks which is how he got the name "Willie the Actor" or "Slick Willie". Some fine class of robbers we have these days. We're lucky if they were a clean "hoodie". I was always told that you should dress for the the job you want. Looking at today's career criminals you'd think they'd all want to work at Good Will! Oh well, a devilish deed is a devilish deed. And a hard working devil can't be too picky. After all it's what's on the inside that counts.
Brackish
I admire his work ethic, pulling off three robberies in one week. But where is the style, the finesse? John Dillinger would have at least changed his shirt after doing a job! Those were the days, robbers wore suits, ties and had clean haircuts. Willie Sutton was an immaculate dresser, when he dressed as himself, that is. Usually he wore disguises when he robbed banks which is how he got the name "Willie the Actor" or "Slick Willie". Some fine class of robbers we have these days. We're lucky if they were a clean "hoodie". I was always told that you should dress for the the job you want. Looking at today's career criminals you'd think they'd all want to work at Good Will! Oh well, a devilish deed is a devilish deed. And a hard working devil can't be too picky. After all it's what's on the inside that counts.
Brackish
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Robbing Peter to Pay...Mobil
Bringing new significance to the term "vicious cycle" a 65 year old Novi, Michigan woman robbed a gas station in order to buy gasoline (story here). Anna May Kwasny never had a criminal history before so she kept things simple. Using a toy gun she robbed one gas station and then drove three miles to another station so she could pay for gas there. She could have stolen both gas and money at her first stop but I suppose she didn't want to appear too greedy her first time out.
Baby steps, baby steps.
As prices rise for the life's blood of America's highways, I expect more exemplary behavior to blossom. Perhaps one day we will be blessed with a world in which gasoline is more precious than life, and Mel Gibson wanders the highways as fearsome road warrior. Oh sorry, I had a late night last night and I fell asleep while watching the SciFi Channel.
Sadly I know the truth. When humans are forced into a difficult situation two forces usually come into play. They can either succumb to their baser instincts and give in to panic and selfish action or they may just tap into that blasted creative problem-solving mode built into them by their Creator. They are both their best and worst while mired in a crisis. Time and time again I've seen it. Crops fail so they invent irrigation. Diseases strike and they develop medicines. Resources dwindle so they develop NEW resources and new ways to more efficiently use OLD resources. They're harder to kill off than cockroaches, and I LIKE cockroaches. So Armageddon is still on the predicted schedule, ho-hum. However if we can continue to spread the panic we may be able to cause as much harm as inhumanly possible.
Heading beyond Thunderdome,
Brackish
Baby steps, baby steps.
As prices rise for the life's blood of America's highways, I expect more exemplary behavior to blossom. Perhaps one day we will be blessed with a world in which gasoline is more precious than life, and Mel Gibson wanders the highways as fearsome road warrior. Oh sorry, I had a late night last night and I fell asleep while watching the SciFi Channel.
Sadly I know the truth. When humans are forced into a difficult situation two forces usually come into play. They can either succumb to their baser instincts and give in to panic and selfish action or they may just tap into that blasted creative problem-solving mode built into them by their Creator. They are both their best and worst while mired in a crisis. Time and time again I've seen it. Crops fail so they invent irrigation. Diseases strike and they develop medicines. Resources dwindle so they develop NEW resources and new ways to more efficiently use OLD resources. They're harder to kill off than cockroaches, and I LIKE cockroaches. So Armageddon is still on the predicted schedule, ho-hum. However if we can continue to spread the panic we may be able to cause as much harm as inhumanly possible.
Heading beyond Thunderdome,
Brackish
Monday, October 29, 2007
Banding Together
Normally I'm against those stupid rubber wrist band thingys. Despite the wonderfully obnoxious attitude that some of the wearers sport, they still raise awareness for good causes and I can't support that. However, there is a school in Iowa which may finally have the right idea. Recently they ordered a batch of anti-drug wristbands for their students which apparently say "BETTER DO DRUGS" (story here). Now THAT's a message!
If more people took an active role in the depravity of their children, we'd get a lot more vacation time. I propose that they should keep the momentum going and continue with the proactive encouragement. Not everyone can afford to buy automatic weapons for their children, so whatever the public school system could provide would be most helpful. They could produce a line of "Ten Commandment" themed shirts with the Pokemon inspired slogan "Better Break 'em All!" Maybe they could start an intramural gambling team. Or even better, they could start serving whiskey in the cafeteria! Every little bit helps.
Excuse me. My fact checker just notified me that the "BETTER DO DRUGS" message was a misprint. The full message actually reads "I've got BETTER things to DO than DRUGS". It's just that the capitalized words are the most legible. Rats! Just when I was getting ready to plan my booze cruise on the river Styx. Oh well I guess we just have to continue to focus our corruptive influences elsewhere...like MySpace.
Brackish
If more people took an active role in the depravity of their children, we'd get a lot more vacation time. I propose that they should keep the momentum going and continue with the proactive encouragement. Not everyone can afford to buy automatic weapons for their children, so whatever the public school system could provide would be most helpful. They could produce a line of "Ten Commandment" themed shirts with the Pokemon inspired slogan "Better Break 'em All!" Maybe they could start an intramural gambling team. Or even better, they could start serving whiskey in the cafeteria! Every little bit helps.
Excuse me. My fact checker just notified me that the "BETTER DO DRUGS" message was a misprint. The full message actually reads "I've got BETTER things to DO than DRUGS". It's just that the capitalized words are the most legible. Rats! Just when I was getting ready to plan my booze cruise on the river Styx. Oh well I guess we just have to continue to focus our corruptive influences elsewhere...like MySpace.
Brackish
Thursday, October 25, 2007
It's Bark Is NOT Worse Than It's Bite
"I think that I shall never see, a poem as bloody vicious as a tree", or so Joyce Kilmer would have written if he had lived in Padrame, India. If news reports are to be believed the village is being harassed by ferocious foliage that is not to be satisfied with a little bald kid's kites (story here). Keep in mind this is the same news media that reported the "monkey man" attacks and the rampage of the "bear man". So this story is a tad bit suspect.
In my dreams of owning real estate I see a nice cabin by the lake of fire with few bleeding Aligheri thorn bushes and one or two of these "tiger trees". A prettier picture Thomas Kincade couldn't paint. However, I've never had much of green thumb, and these "tiger trees" might just take off my whole arm, so maybe I'll just plan on sticking to thorns instead.
Brackish
In my dreams of owning real estate I see a nice cabin by the lake of fire with few bleeding Aligheri thorn bushes and one or two of these "tiger trees". A prettier picture Thomas Kincade couldn't paint. However, I've never had much of green thumb, and these "tiger trees" might just take off my whole arm, so maybe I'll just plan on sticking to thorns instead.
Brackish
Thursday, October 18, 2007
But Bureaucracy IS Hell.
Thank the Devil, I don't live in Saskatchewan! Sure they are the world's largest supplier of uranium so they have a soft spot in my heart. However when I'm pimping out my gremlin with chrome rims and vinyl graphics, I don't need anyone messing with my vanity plates.
Seems a Mrs. Harris tried to get a vanity plate for her husband emblazoned with his adorable little pet name, "Diablo". "Not so fast", said Saskatchewan Government Insurance, and they put the kibosh on the "offensive" name (story here). OFFENSIVE? And I bet they'd allow the name "Angel" without so much of an "Whut are you doin, eh"!
Canada in recent years has been slowly repealing the right to free speech especially when it comes to "racially sensitive" materials. It does make our work tougher, but maybe I should be looking on the dark side of things. When a person can't choose what to put on their own car maybe it is a sign of greater restrictions to come.
Ghost riding my whip
Brackish
Seems a Mrs. Harris tried to get a vanity plate for her husband emblazoned with his adorable little pet name, "Diablo". "Not so fast", said Saskatchewan Government Insurance, and they put the kibosh on the "offensive" name (story here). OFFENSIVE? And I bet they'd allow the name "Angel" without so much of an "Whut are you doin, eh"!
Canada in recent years has been slowly repealing the right to free speech especially when it comes to "racially sensitive" materials. It does make our work tougher, but maybe I should be looking on the dark side of things. When a person can't choose what to put on their own car maybe it is a sign of greater restrictions to come.
Ghost riding my whip
Brackish
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Miracle of the Fishes and Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches
These days it's not unusual to find that a priest has something dark in his closet. However when that dark thing is a leather jumpsuit with rhinestones, that IS enough to peak our interest (story here). Father Antonio Petrescu who lives in the tiny Italian town of Sorbo, sees no conflict of interest between the "King of Kings" and the "King of Rock and Roll" as they both spoke of love in general. For us the similarities ARE rather striking. Both died and were sighted later, both have touched the world with their message, and both are frequently painted on velvet. Hmm, now which one died of a drug overdose again?
Brackish
Brackish
Monday, October 8, 2007
Halo I Must Be Going
"Yutes" as Fred Gwynne called them in "My Cousin Vinny". Yutes are hard to reach. They can tell when you're talking down to them and when your motives aren't quite sincere. That plus the difficulty of nailing down the elusive quality that is "cool" make it hard to capture a young person's attention. This has led many a church to improvise creative BFG's for their evangelical arsenals. One such tool is the use of the video game "Halo". The game which is as much of a social outlet for youths as well as an excuse to "blow things up", has proven to be a great out-reach activity despite controversy over it's violent themes (see story).
Not that I don't think video game violence isn't a useful tool in corrupting children, but the theme of war is a sticky business. There is a time and a place for war, as the Enemy says in Ecclesiastes. Also since the bad guys in "Halo" are aliens, and you are nobly defending planet earth, it's hardly useful for turning a kid into a psychotic killer. Many a human adult has played "war" as a child, and only a small percentage actually became violent when they matured. Sadly exposure to violent themes doesn't automatically make one violent. If reading about how a guy killed three hundred people with the jaw bone of an ass doesn't warp children, I don't know what fragging aliens is going to do.
I do wonder how it will affect the Enemy's message, though. Will they say that "He Who Sits on the Right" is their Master Chief and he fragged the power of death and pwned the Devil? I suppose if they use "World of Warcraft" they could have had Leroy Jenkins as a guest speaker.
Personally, I wish they used "Grand Theft Auto" instead. At least in that game you learn such useful skills as how to pick up prostitutes and beat them to death with baseball bats. I got a merit badge for that one in Imp Scouts. Or maybe they can have a "Hitman" night and they can learn how to kill people for money. Mix it with career counseling, and you have a winner.
Isolation my friends, that is what will twist a child into a useful tool. Hours and hours of playing the right games alone without the involvement of parents or close social ties, those are the shaping forces we need. That is why we should NEVER condone the use of a Wii. There is too much emphasis on playing with a group, and do I have to mention the physical activity?
So in summary, there are violent games that are beneficial to us and there are violent games which are not beneficial to us. It depends on the underlying themes being taught. But at all costs social interaction should be avoided. This is especially true if the Enemy's propaganda is to be spread. Harumph, relating to children through what interests them. What's next, getting involved in their lives? *Shudder*
Kicking tail in Katamari Damacy,
Brackish
Not that I don't think video game violence isn't a useful tool in corrupting children, but the theme of war is a sticky business. There is a time and a place for war, as the Enemy says in Ecclesiastes. Also since the bad guys in "Halo" are aliens, and you are nobly defending planet earth, it's hardly useful for turning a kid into a psychotic killer. Many a human adult has played "war" as a child, and only a small percentage actually became violent when they matured. Sadly exposure to violent themes doesn't automatically make one violent. If reading about how a guy killed three hundred people with the jaw bone of an ass doesn't warp children, I don't know what fragging aliens is going to do.
I do wonder how it will affect the Enemy's message, though. Will they say that "He Who Sits on the Right" is their Master Chief and he fragged the power of death and pwned the Devil? I suppose if they use "World of Warcraft" they could have had Leroy Jenkins as a guest speaker.
Personally, I wish they used "Grand Theft Auto" instead. At least in that game you learn such useful skills as how to pick up prostitutes and beat them to death with baseball bats. I got a merit badge for that one in Imp Scouts. Or maybe they can have a "Hitman" night and they can learn how to kill people for money. Mix it with career counseling, and you have a winner.
Isolation my friends, that is what will twist a child into a useful tool. Hours and hours of playing the right games alone without the involvement of parents or close social ties, those are the shaping forces we need. That is why we should NEVER condone the use of a Wii. There is too much emphasis on playing with a group, and do I have to mention the physical activity?
So in summary, there are violent games that are beneficial to us and there are violent games which are not beneficial to us. It depends on the underlying themes being taught. But at all costs social interaction should be avoided. This is especially true if the Enemy's propaganda is to be spread. Harumph, relating to children through what interests them. What's next, getting involved in their lives? *Shudder*
Kicking tail in Katamari Damacy,
Brackish
The Furior over the Fuhrer
Hitler knows how to ruin a party. There are many times when I'm attending mixers with all of the famous tormentors in hell and I'm having a good time...and then he shows up. Last week I was at Samael's Fall Fling drinking a Bloody Mary and chatting up a female demon about bird flu when I felt a tug at my elbow. It was Hitler, drinking a Shirley Temple, whining about his glory days and how he persecuted the Jews and on and on and on... Needless to say the lady lost interest and I spent the evening feeding kittens to my Mongolian Death Worm.
Well apparently even this whiner's visage can bring things to a screeching halt. A school in Brooklyn, NY is banning Halloween, because in a former year a student dressed as the famous fuhrer (see story). Now personally I can't stand Halloween. Once it had deep religious significance to the Celts, but today it's too secular and materialistic. Now it's all about happy candy addicted children in goofy costumes and gaining empowerment by dressing as boogey men from the collective unconsciousness. Blech! However I can empathize with how this genocidal jerk can bring things down.
Why is there ALWAYS that one lone kid who gets the idea to dress up as Hitler, a clansman, or even "He Who Sits on the Right"? I admire the impulse to cause trouble and offend people but, when a taboo becomes commonplace it's just boring. Google the phrase "Hitler Costume" and you'll see what I mean. Show some imagination people! I blame the media for stifling the creativity of human youth. Thanks a lot Mel Brooks!
Personally, I think between having a kid dress as a historical figure or going on a shooting spree, I'd have to go with the shooting spree. It's not original either and rather "faddish" but at least it's more...constructive. Oh well, if I really want to delight in sin hidden in the guise of a religious holiday I'll have to wait till Christmas.
Brackish
Well apparently even this whiner's visage can bring things to a screeching halt. A school in Brooklyn, NY is banning Halloween, because in a former year a student dressed as the famous fuhrer (see story). Now personally I can't stand Halloween. Once it had deep religious significance to the Celts, but today it's too secular and materialistic. Now it's all about happy candy addicted children in goofy costumes and gaining empowerment by dressing as boogey men from the collective unconsciousness. Blech! However I can empathize with how this genocidal jerk can bring things down.
Why is there ALWAYS that one lone kid who gets the idea to dress up as Hitler, a clansman, or even "He Who Sits on the Right"? I admire the impulse to cause trouble and offend people but, when a taboo becomes commonplace it's just boring. Google the phrase "Hitler Costume" and you'll see what I mean. Show some imagination people! I blame the media for stifling the creativity of human youth. Thanks a lot Mel Brooks!
Personally, I think between having a kid dress as a historical figure or going on a shooting spree, I'd have to go with the shooting spree. It's not original either and rather "faddish" but at least it's more...constructive. Oh well, if I really want to delight in sin hidden in the guise of a religious holiday I'll have to wait till Christmas.
Brackish
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Idle Hands...
GADS! Am I BORED! You'd think running Hell's online division would be a glamorous position, full of high-tech sinful fun. It isn't. Actually I have to put tech in quotation marks as due to a lack of funds we just have one computer lab filled with old gumdrop imacs. Not even pentiums, sheesh! Never the less, the tech really is just another tool to do the same old work. Rumors, conspiracy theories, and good old slander haven't changed much, we just have a new medium to spread them more quickly. There is always online erotica, but even that after awhile just reduces to naked person doing blank to blank. Ho hum. No there is nothing new under the Sun Microsystems where truth and lies can be spread at the speed of fiber optic cable.
I used to be excited about my work. Time was I'd come in on a Monday and have at least six internet rumors flying and one or two celebrity videos circulating. My heyday was 9/11 there was so much fear and uncertainty around that time, that people tended to believe in anything as long as it fit their world view. The rumor that Osama bin Laden owned Citibank, that was mine. So was story about seven women dying from sniffing perfume samples that came to them in the mail. What I would do was take real life and twist it, so that paranoia and fear would spread like an unholy fire. I loved creative writing.
All was well, and I was up for a promotion to tempter first-class, until THEY came onto the scene. By "they" I mean Barbara and David P. Mikkelson who run a website called "snopes.com". Snopes.com is an urban legend reference page. The Mikkelson's track down and either verify or debunk any odd tale they find in the wilds of the internet. I had met my match. My Katrina rumors were blown apart, my medical rumors flatlined, and my prized Nigerian scam ended up being deported. We keep researching and developing new fears and half-truths to unleash into he pipes and tubes of Web 2.0, but the endeavor has lost it's "je ne sais quoi". Curse you Mikkelsons! Their site is almost as bad as having people think for themselves!
So here I am running a blog, praising the work of other more industrious demons. Despite the setback I do feel the 'Net to be a source of promise. There are pirates and online predators to encourage. Who am I kidding? That's just theft and abuse dressed up in new lingo. Oh well, I guess I can just spend my time trying to beat my high score in Kitten Cannon.
But then there is always Web 3.0...
Brackish
I used to be excited about my work. Time was I'd come in on a Monday and have at least six internet rumors flying and one or two celebrity videos circulating. My heyday was 9/11 there was so much fear and uncertainty around that time, that people tended to believe in anything as long as it fit their world view. The rumor that Osama bin Laden owned Citibank, that was mine. So was story about seven women dying from sniffing perfume samples that came to them in the mail. What I would do was take real life and twist it, so that paranoia and fear would spread like an unholy fire. I loved creative writing.
All was well, and I was up for a promotion to tempter first-class, until THEY came onto the scene. By "they" I mean Barbara and David P. Mikkelson who run a website called "snopes.com". Snopes.com is an urban legend reference page. The Mikkelson's track down and either verify or debunk any odd tale they find in the wilds of the internet. I had met my match. My Katrina rumors were blown apart, my medical rumors flatlined, and my prized Nigerian scam ended up being deported. We keep researching and developing new fears and half-truths to unleash into he pipes and tubes of Web 2.0, but the endeavor has lost it's "je ne sais quoi". Curse you Mikkelsons! Their site is almost as bad as having people think for themselves!
So here I am running a blog, praising the work of other more industrious demons. Despite the setback I do feel the 'Net to be a source of promise. There are pirates and online predators to encourage. Who am I kidding? That's just theft and abuse dressed up in new lingo. Oh well, I guess I can just spend my time trying to beat my high score in Kitten Cannon.
But then there is always Web 3.0...
Brackish
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Talk about a Conflict of Interest...
Many actor's in Hollywood have done projects they are not proud of. Just ask Jennifer Aniston who starred in one of the "Leprechaun" sequels. Sometimes they need the money, other times they just don't know any better.
Such it is with author's as well. When Stephen King wrote the 672 page "Insomnia", he didn't know that it would actually cure your insomnia. No movie offers were in the works so he wrote another novel in between brushing his teeth and making coffee.
Our Father Below tried his hand at ghost writing himself. And we are ashamed to admit, that it was...a bible (story here). We hadn't seen it for over 359 years. We searched on eBay hoping to find it before word of it got out, but to no avail. In September the Czech Republic began displaying, the "Codex Gigas" a.k.a. "The Devil's Bible" in the National Library.
Hey, souls were a little scarce that month over 800 years ago. Satan had a quota to fill, so when a Benedictine monk asked for help to write a bible he was already stuck between a rock and a hot place. When you get desperate you never know what you might end up doing. You might even write a blog.
Brackish
Such it is with author's as well. When Stephen King wrote the 672 page "Insomnia", he didn't know that it would actually cure your insomnia. No movie offers were in the works so he wrote another novel in between brushing his teeth and making coffee.
Our Father Below tried his hand at ghost writing himself. And we are ashamed to admit, that it was...a bible (story here). We hadn't seen it for over 359 years. We searched on eBay hoping to find it before word of it got out, but to no avail. In September the Czech Republic began displaying, the "Codex Gigas" a.k.a. "The Devil's Bible" in the National Library.
Hey, souls were a little scarce that month over 800 years ago. Satan had a quota to fill, so when a Benedictine monk asked for help to write a bible he was already stuck between a rock and a hot place. When you get desperate you never know what you might end up doing. You might even write a blog.
Brackish
Sunday, September 23, 2007
You Say Swastika, I Say...Swastika
As I've said before, I don't know much about fashion. But I know what I like. Apparently the Spanish fashion retailer Zara has been selling handbags decorated with dainty, little symbols of the Third Reich (see story). Sadly, no, this does not mean that black, red, and brown are finally coming back into style. The symbols themselves predate Hitler's Funtime Boys, by centuries. Swastikas are ancient Hindu and Buddhist symbols for strength and good luck, but a British shopper did not feel blessed to find them on her newly purchased accessory. She complained and Zara pulled the bags.
Oh well, that's the coming and going of a promising fad. I've never been more disappointed since when I found out "hoodies" didn't cover the whole head.
Brackish
Oh well, that's the coming and going of a promising fad. I've never been more disappointed since when I found out "hoodies" didn't cover the whole head.
Brackish
Thursday, September 20, 2007
From the Law Firm of Michael, Gabriel and Raphael
We earlier reported the efforts of one State Sen. Ernie Chambers to bring a lawsuit against God (see "But All of the Best Defense Lawyers Are in Hell"). This was his attempt to raise awareness concerning the filing of frivolous lawsuits in Nebraska. Well, we're not certain but apparently the ghost of Raymond Burr had a hand in making two court filings this week...on God's behalf! (see story).
In the filings God holds that He is "immune from earthly laws" and the earthly court system "lacks jurisdiction". They also hold that He isn't responsible for most human oppression and suffering siting "free will" which is His "greatest gift".
Drat that blasted "free will" defense. I doubt the courts will buy it though. Most of all suffering in the world is caused by people. War, famine, crime, oppression, the mismanagement of resources AFTER natural disasters all by people. However they usually want to blame anyone but themselves. It's either God or us...or the government. But then they blame the government when it rains. Rule of thumb if it rains frogs, it's usually the Other Guy.
Brackish
In the filings God holds that He is "immune from earthly laws" and the earthly court system "lacks jurisdiction". They also hold that He isn't responsible for most human oppression and suffering siting "free will" which is His "greatest gift".
Drat that blasted "free will" defense. I doubt the courts will buy it though. Most of all suffering in the world is caused by people. War, famine, crime, oppression, the mismanagement of resources AFTER natural disasters all by people. However they usually want to blame anyone but themselves. It's either God or us...or the government. But then they blame the government when it rains. Rule of thumb if it rains frogs, it's usually the Other Guy.
Brackish
So a Virgin, a Saint and an Actress Walk into a Bar...
The Holy Mother has been a busy lady lately. First she "showed up" on a garage door in Minersville, PA and now she has a new canvas for her rather abstract style of manifestation. The Virgin Mary Lemon (sounds like a blues musician) was discovered in Wataua, Texas while a bartender was slicing lemons for his father's bar (story here). Marty Nance, saw the face earlier in the week but admits that the identity of the face seems to be in question. Some people apparently see either Mary, Saint Mother Theresa, or ...Nicole Kidman. Hell knows Nicole must have been a saint for sticking with Tom Cruise as long as she did, but I believe she is still alive. Though her career may be ailing because of "the Invasion".
Oh well, as long as people see smudges, stains, and reflections as true visitations of God, I might just be able to go home early someday.
Brackish
Oh well, as long as people see smudges, stains, and reflections as true visitations of God, I might just be able to go home early someday.
Brackish
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The Naked and the Bored.
What do you like to do when you're bored? Currently my time is rather filled with my work here at AD and trying to paper train my pet Mongolian Death Worm, Toby. I don't HAVE much free time any more. But in the past I would while away the hours reading a book, taking a walk, or teasing a damned soul with a cup of water. I can't say I'd ever considered robbing a convenience store whilst, and at the same time, naked. However that is what one enterprising Carbondale, PA man did to spend his time (see story). I don't see what all of the frackas was all about, he had a hat on! It was probably a Yankees hat.
Damn Yankees. :)
Brackish
Damn Yankees. :)
Brackish
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
But All of the Best Defense Lawyers are in Hell.
Tired of frivolous lawsuits, one Nebraskan senator is filing a lawsuit against God. With this State Senator Ernie Chambers hopes to promote legislation to limit the filing of certain types of lawsuits which clog up the system (story here).
This fellow truly has what we in hell like to call, "chutzpah". Ever since that one legal action the Jews pursued against "He Who Sits on the Right", we've been considering our own legal action as well. Over the years we've begun collecting our "dream team", headed by Johnny Cochrane and we have Judge Isaac Parker slated to preside over the trial. The charge you ask? We are considering Anti-Trust proceedings because of His total dominance and control over reality. How's a devil to get anything done, when we can only do what he allows us to do? Doesn't He care about OUR schedules?
No word if CourtTV will air the event.
Brackish
This fellow truly has what we in hell like to call, "chutzpah". Ever since that one legal action the Jews pursued against "He Who Sits on the Right", we've been considering our own legal action as well. Over the years we've begun collecting our "dream team", headed by Johnny Cochrane and we have Judge Isaac Parker slated to preside over the trial. The charge you ask? We are considering Anti-Trust proceedings because of His total dominance and control over reality. How's a devil to get anything done, when we can only do what he allows us to do? Doesn't He care about OUR schedules?
No word if CourtTV will air the event.
Brackish
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Time Lord of Lords
Consider your audience. That's what every good advertiser is told to do when pitching a deodorant, beer or new type of gum. Christians also find it beneficial, when trying to spread the Gospel, to relate to their hearer's interests and background. This is what one priest in Cardiff, UK is trying to do by having a Dr. Who theme night to attract the youth of his congregation (story here). The church, which appeared in an episode of the show, will be the site of a special sermon likening "He Who Sits on the Right" to the famous time traveler. The message will also include props, and perhaps a monster or two.
Sure I see it. "He Who Sits on the Right" is a master of time and space, he regenerated after he died, and he had a lot of companions following him around getting into trouble. I wonder if His tomb was larger on the inside?
You know this really annoys me. We spend so much time influencing writers, directors, and various other entertainment people to create media to distract people from God, and here a guy goes drawing them back again. Paul did this alot, relating the message to unknown Greek gods, and plays. Someone should have sued him for copyright infringement at least.
Feh. I always liked Blake's Seven better anyway.
Brackish
Sure I see it. "He Who Sits on the Right" is a master of time and space, he regenerated after he died, and he had a lot of companions following him around getting into trouble. I wonder if His tomb was larger on the inside?
You know this really annoys me. We spend so much time influencing writers, directors, and various other entertainment people to create media to distract people from God, and here a guy goes drawing them back again. Paul did this alot, relating the message to unknown Greek gods, and plays. Someone should have sued him for copyright infringement at least.
Feh. I always liked Blake's Seven better anyway.
Brackish
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Happiness is a Warm Annelid
I'm lonely. And in the most crowded realm of the afterlife, that is quite a trick. Every night after I drive home and walk up the five flights of stairs to my apartment, I dread opening the door. The room with it's single bed and one bathroom seems deathly cold and empty to me. So I've decided to get a pet. After long hours searching the internet I think I've finally settled on a likely candidate...the Mongolian Death Worm (see here).
I mean first off what a splendidly imposing name, Mongolian Death Worm. I could put a sign on my door reading "Beware! Premises are guarded by a Mongolian Death Worm". That would keep the solicitors out (of course they're down here, where did you think they come from?). Apparently the only color they come in is red and they somewhat resemble a five foot length of cow intestine. Awwwww. I can just picture him flopping and wriggling across the floor to meet me as I come home.
Another wonderful thing about my new roommate is he spits a corrosive yellow fluid that can dissolve metal. That will save me money, because I won't have to buy acid for my coffee anymore. He can generate electricity, giving me a way to keep my air conditioning bills down as well. You won't believe how much power it takes just to get my apartment down to a comfortable 115 degrees.
I have been considering his welfare. I want to be a good parent, so I will have to buy him a sand box. He can burrow and sleep in his very own little patch of the Gobi Desert. You might ask if I'm afraid of having such a fearsome creature around? Well, not really. Being an immortal spirit there's not much he can do to me, and since I do live where the "worm does not die" I figure it's a win-win situation. This weekend I'm heading to the Gobi Desert. I can't wait to bring home a pet to enliven my dreary environs.
I think I'll call him Toby.
Brackish
I mean first off what a splendidly imposing name, Mongolian Death Worm. I could put a sign on my door reading "Beware! Premises are guarded by a Mongolian Death Worm". That would keep the solicitors out (of course they're down here, where did you think they come from?). Apparently the only color they come in is red and they somewhat resemble a five foot length of cow intestine. Awwwww. I can just picture him flopping and wriggling across the floor to meet me as I come home.
Another wonderful thing about my new roommate is he spits a corrosive yellow fluid that can dissolve metal. That will save me money, because I won't have to buy acid for my coffee anymore. He can generate electricity, giving me a way to keep my air conditioning bills down as well. You won't believe how much power it takes just to get my apartment down to a comfortable 115 degrees.
I have been considering his welfare. I want to be a good parent, so I will have to buy him a sand box. He can burrow and sleep in his very own little patch of the Gobi Desert. You might ask if I'm afraid of having such a fearsome creature around? Well, not really. Being an immortal spirit there's not much he can do to me, and since I do live where the "worm does not die" I figure it's a win-win situation. This weekend I'm heading to the Gobi Desert. I can't wait to bring home a pet to enliven my dreary environs.
I think I'll call him Toby.
Brackish
Sunday, September 9, 2007
God Never Sued "Father Ted"
To be sure I don't know who to be routing for in this one. In a dispute between God and lawyers, it's difficult for me to be on either side. But that is this case in this next story of copyright infringement. An evangelical publishing company was forced by lawyers representing two British comedy series to stop using their catchphrases on posters sold to outreach to youngsters (see story).
The phrases in question come from the series "Little Britain" and "Catherine Tate" and include such gems as, "Am I bovvered", "Yeah but no but yeah", and "I don't know". Underneath each phrase was a passage of scripture. Now usually I applaud any method of getting scripture off the streets, and when we find this bothersome Guideon fellow he'll get what's coming to him. But how do you copyright "I don't know" (Sorry, TM)? I mean I thought British comedians were better writers than that. Are they really so impoverished of good material, that they have to sue a Christian company to protect every scrap of dialogue they write?
Then there's the publisher. If they were using the posters to freely advertise their faith, I'd be infuriated. But they were SELLING these posters for profit. Now there's something admirable in that as well. Peddling God's Word and infringing on copyrights to boot. It's somewhat of a mixed curse, if you will.
So I sit at my keyboard confused. Who do I praise in this situation? Who deserves the recognition? I have no easy answer, so I'll do what I always do. I'll turn on the television and try to forget the whole situation.
I wonder if there are any good British comedies on?
Brackish
The phrases in question come from the series "Little Britain" and "Catherine Tate" and include such gems as, "Am I bovvered", "Yeah but no but yeah", and "I don't know". Underneath each phrase was a passage of scripture. Now usually I applaud any method of getting scripture off the streets, and when we find this bothersome Guideon fellow he'll get what's coming to him. But how do you copyright "I don't know" (Sorry, TM)? I mean I thought British comedians were better writers than that. Are they really so impoverished of good material, that they have to sue a Christian company to protect every scrap of dialogue they write?
Then there's the publisher. If they were using the posters to freely advertise their faith, I'd be infuriated. But they were SELLING these posters for profit. Now there's something admirable in that as well. Peddling God's Word and infringing on copyrights to boot. It's somewhat of a mixed curse, if you will.
So I sit at my keyboard confused. Who do I praise in this situation? Who deserves the recognition? I have no easy answer, so I'll do what I always do. I'll turn on the television and try to forget the whole situation.
I wonder if there are any good British comedies on?
Brackish
Friday, September 7, 2007
Forget the Bloody Apple
I heard some discouraging news today. It seems that drinking a Guinness a day can lower the risk of heart attacks (see story). I'm just ticked because that means the bloody Irish are going to live forever! Sheesh more overtime!
Brackish
Brackish
"M" is for the Melee She Encouraged...
It's usually gut wrenching to me when parents get involved with their children's interests. But this mom in Victorville, CA wisely ditched the Dr. Spock, and took a page from Ma Barker (story here).
Apparently Sophia Elam was driving her son along with several adults to deal with a gang of boys who were bothering her son at school. Things really got out of hand though, when it was discovered that Sophia didn't bake enough rice krispy treats for everyone. At least they had on clean underwear.
Brackish
Apparently Sophia Elam was driving her son along with several adults to deal with a gang of boys who were bothering her son at school. Things really got out of hand though, when it was discovered that Sophia didn't bake enough rice krispy treats for everyone. At least they had on clean underwear.
Brackish
He Could Have Started a Football Team...
It is said that behind every great man there is a woman. Well, in case of one corrupt Chinese official, behind him are ELEVEN very cheesed-off ones (story here). Sigh, a life-time of graft and corruption, ended by one mistress too many. Well, ten too many, but you have to admire his drive. Never got into collecting myself. It usually requires alot of dusting. Yuck.
Graft and mistresses seem to go hand in hand in Communist China. One former Party chief, in fact, was recently executed for blowing up his mistress because of her money grubbing behavior. Apparently he didn't have teenagers.
The corruption in government runs so deeply, that top officials are afraid that it could lead to and end to the Party's rule. Well every good party must come to an end sooner or later. But then there's always the next one.
I'll bring the dip.
Brackish
Graft and mistresses seem to go hand in hand in Communist China. One former Party chief, in fact, was recently executed for blowing up his mistress because of her money grubbing behavior. Apparently he didn't have teenagers.
The corruption in government runs so deeply, that top officials are afraid that it could lead to and end to the Party's rule. Well every good party must come to an end sooner or later. But then there's always the next one.
I'll bring the dip.
Brackish
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Power of Bertolli Compels You!
Ask any parent of teenaged girls and they'll tell you, they can be terrors. But for two parents in Edgewater, Florida, their daughter became a horror movie! Back in June the police got a 911 call from the home of Debra and Daniel Rogers. It was from the couple's daughter, Christina. Apparently the other daughter, Danielle, had gone berserk after the couple's attempt at an exorcism using olive oil had gone awry (story here). Alton Brown was not available to explain the spiritual efficacy of such an application.
But this dear friends is not the punchline. The kicker is the mother, Debra, is a CITY COUNCILWOMAN! Funny isn't it. When people want to avoid responsibility for their own actions they say, "the devil made me do it." But here when Danielle's parent's didn't want to deal with HER actions they said, "the devil is possessing you!" What more could you hope for, a government official given to magical thinking, who doesn't believe in personal responsibility. That's a two-fer.
Of course, we do from time to time put on the human meat suits, but it requires alot of paperwork and I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome! Anyway we tend to shy away from the splashy stuff. It brings us far too much attention. You see, when people acknowledge there are demons, they start thinking that God must also be real, and all that thinking can eventually lead them to find HIM. It happened when "The Exorcist" was in the movie theaters back in the seventies. Church pews were filled with people scared to the other side. Don't think this was just another light comedy, this was propaganda film!
We actually prefer a subtler approach, letting a subject's natural inclinations lead them in our direction. We can't tamper with free will so what we do is make sure the subject is NEVER fully aware of ALL of the choices before them. And believe you me, people don't need much help in choosing to do things our way. The method may not be as flamboyant as forcing a subject to projectile vomit pea soup, but we still get them in the end. Sometimes it's even cleaner.
Brackish
But this dear friends is not the punchline. The kicker is the mother, Debra, is a CITY COUNCILWOMAN! Funny isn't it. When people want to avoid responsibility for their own actions they say, "the devil made me do it." But here when Danielle's parent's didn't want to deal with HER actions they said, "the devil is possessing you!" What more could you hope for, a government official given to magical thinking, who doesn't believe in personal responsibility. That's a two-fer.
Of course, we do from time to time put on the human meat suits, but it requires alot of paperwork and I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome! Anyway we tend to shy away from the splashy stuff. It brings us far too much attention. You see, when people acknowledge there are demons, they start thinking that God must also be real, and all that thinking can eventually lead them to find HIM. It happened when "The Exorcist" was in the movie theaters back in the seventies. Church pews were filled with people scared to the other side. Don't think this was just another light comedy, this was propaganda film!
We actually prefer a subtler approach, letting a subject's natural inclinations lead them in our direction. We can't tamper with free will so what we do is make sure the subject is NEVER fully aware of ALL of the choices before them. And believe you me, people don't need much help in choosing to do things our way. The method may not be as flamboyant as forcing a subject to projectile vomit pea soup, but we still get them in the end. Sometimes it's even cleaner.
Brackish
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
What Do They Do for Lost Luggage?
I miss animal sacrifices, the pagentry, the color. It wasn't that long ago the Jews did it all the time. That was until Someone made such measures obsolete by sacrficing Himself. Without the work He did believers might STILL be sacrficing animals this very day. Imagine them rushing off to church, trying to fit the kids in the car along with two goats, a steer, and a cage of doves.
It could be argued that His efforts not only began a new age of closeness to God, but also enabled Western Civilization to progress to the modern life all men enjoy. That is why it is refreshing to see a culture that still embraces the finer things of it's past. Case in point in Kathmandu, Nepal when officials were faced with a recalcitrant airplane in their state run airline, they performed an animal sacrifice to appease their sky god (story here). I am hoping that a mechanic was employed at some point, or else I will do my best to avoid flying the Hindi skies. I hope they repair all of their hardware this way. I can't help but imagine a Hindi Maytag repairman with his office crowed with livestock, or a Microsoft help-line rep. saying, "Please hold while I stab a buffalo...now reboot".
I wish that worked. Around here the only thing "Our Father Below" gives us when we kill something is a coupon to Quiznos, and we have to bring our own meat. Well, excuse me, I have to get ready for lunch. Now where did I put that orangutan?
Brackish
It could be argued that His efforts not only began a new age of closeness to God, but also enabled Western Civilization to progress to the modern life all men enjoy. That is why it is refreshing to see a culture that still embraces the finer things of it's past. Case in point in Kathmandu, Nepal when officials were faced with a recalcitrant airplane in their state run airline, they performed an animal sacrifice to appease their sky god (story here). I am hoping that a mechanic was employed at some point, or else I will do my best to avoid flying the Hindi skies. I hope they repair all of their hardware this way. I can't help but imagine a Hindi Maytag repairman with his office crowed with livestock, or a Microsoft help-line rep. saying, "Please hold while I stab a buffalo...now reboot".
I wish that worked. Around here the only thing "Our Father Below" gives us when we kill something is a coupon to Quiznos, and we have to bring our own meat. Well, excuse me, I have to get ready for lunch. Now where did I put that orangutan?
Brackish
Monday, September 3, 2007
Torah and Order
"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."
dun dun
It always makes for great drama when a person who is wrongly accused of a crime, finally has their name cleared by the legal system that condemned them. However when the criminal in question is the Son of God, the story becomes somewhat anti-climatic. A Kenyan religious group called the "Friends of Jesus" is attempting to set the legal history straight concerning "He Who Sits on the Right", claiming that he was railroaded by Pontias Pilate and the Roman legal system (story here). Pardon me for being inarticulate but...DUH! I'm about as sick of this as I was the O.J. trial. Of course He was railroaded, there was no record of Him committing blasphemy or doing anything wrong. Anyway how can you commit blasphemy if you ARE God? Our one victory and they want to take it away from us. After His execution, he conquered death and atoned for the sins of all mankind. That kinda stole the sweetness from us.
What they hope to accomplish, I'm not sure. I don't think He was having trouble getting jobs or buying a new house. Maybe they want to horn in on the book deal.
Brackish
dun dun
It always makes for great drama when a person who is wrongly accused of a crime, finally has their name cleared by the legal system that condemned them. However when the criminal in question is the Son of God, the story becomes somewhat anti-climatic. A Kenyan religious group called the "Friends of Jesus" is attempting to set the legal history straight concerning "He Who Sits on the Right", claiming that he was railroaded by Pontias Pilate and the Roman legal system (story here). Pardon me for being inarticulate but...DUH! I'm about as sick of this as I was the O.J. trial. Of course He was railroaded, there was no record of Him committing blasphemy or doing anything wrong. Anyway how can you commit blasphemy if you ARE God? Our one victory and they want to take it away from us. After His execution, he conquered death and atoned for the sins of all mankind. That kinda stole the sweetness from us.
What they hope to accomplish, I'm not sure. I don't think He was having trouble getting jobs or buying a new house. Maybe they want to horn in on the book deal.
Brackish
Sunday, September 2, 2007
That's a Dollar Per Flea...
My uncle once said, "This life promises much, but keeps it all". That's very true, once you cross over you either inherit your riches in heaven or your poverty in hell. And you don't know just how threadbare things are unless you've worked here in A.D. I've got to bring in my own paper clips EVERY DAY!
The best you can hope to do is make sure others benefit from the legacy you leave behind...or you can use it to make one last dig. The famous Leona Helmsley did just that (story here). She died and left twelve million dollars to, wait for it...her DOG! This "neuvo-bitch" is in care of her brother who only was left ten million. Two grandchildren were cut out completely "for reasons which are known to them".
Bang up job Leona! I will have to take her out to lunch to congratulate her on such an inspired finishing stroke to her life. However, she'll be paying.
Brackish
The best you can hope to do is make sure others benefit from the legacy you leave behind...or you can use it to make one last dig. The famous Leona Helmsley did just that (story here). She died and left twelve million dollars to, wait for it...her DOG! This "neuvo-bitch" is in care of her brother who only was left ten million. Two grandchildren were cut out completely "for reasons which are known to them".
Bang up job Leona! I will have to take her out to lunch to congratulate her on such an inspired finishing stroke to her life. However, she'll be paying.
Brackish
But Where Did They Find Sand in Maine?
Just wanted to offer kudos to two young men doing their part for the cause. They say a man's home is his castle. Well, the builder of this sand castle in Maine is probably mad enough to want to move in to keep watch (see story). The sculpture in question was built to raise money for a charity dealing with terminally ill children. Our two bright stars were video taped after midnight, kicking down parts of the castle. I can't wait to see more of their work. Maybe next time they'll skip the middle man and kick the children directly.
Brackish
Brackish
Friday, August 31, 2007
"She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is virgin-shaped."
I stand proud as a fallen angel when I see human beings so confused and uncertain about their lives, that they mistake a ray of light for a ray of hope (see story). In Minersville, PA crowds of people have been drawn to a garage door that supposedly manifests the image of the mother of "He Who Sits on the Right".
What kills me is that it is so obviously a reflection, and it's not even our best work. When you watch the video, people repeatedly stand in front of the image and block the light, taking out hunks of virgin. Yet, no one notices. We have created such a fearful climate that people will accept ANYTHING as a sign that God has not forgotten them. Even better, this display of gullible, unquestioning attitudes on the part of believers makes non-believers even more secure in their atheism.
Broken angels! I've seen better special effects on the old "Outer Limits" TV show. But then our Pennsylvania branch HAS been struggling a bit lately, budget cuts you know. Actually I find this to be a far more persuasive display (click here). I wonder how much he charges per appearance? Hmmm. Excuse me, I must fire off a "Request for Quote".
Brackish
What kills me is that it is so obviously a reflection, and it's not even our best work. When you watch the video, people repeatedly stand in front of the image and block the light, taking out hunks of virgin. Yet, no one notices. We have created such a fearful climate that people will accept ANYTHING as a sign that God has not forgotten them. Even better, this display of gullible, unquestioning attitudes on the part of believers makes non-believers even more secure in their atheism.
Broken angels! I've seen better special effects on the old "Outer Limits" TV show. But then our Pennsylvania branch HAS been struggling a bit lately, budget cuts you know. Actually I find this to be a far more persuasive display (click here). I wonder how much he charges per appearance? Hmmm. Excuse me, I must fire off a "Request for Quote".
Brackish
Thursday, August 30, 2007
What Would Clinton and Stacy Say?
I've never been much of a fashion plate. I've worn, feathers, robes, the occasional hoodie but no one would be tempted to come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?" For one young girl in Indiana, however, that answer would be "God" (story here).
This is my favorite type of controversy. It centers around children, education, and misguided zealotry. The problem stems from the fact that Highland High School has a dress code of khaki pants and polo shirts, NO NOVELTY TEES. So Brittany broke the rules, wore a religious themed shirt and was suspended. Forget the fact that she would have also been suspended if she wore Sponge Bob Square Pants. What is important is she believes her rights were violated because of her faith, even though she was clearly in the wrong. Wonderful! Instant controversy, just add living water.
Pay attention tempter trainees. This is advanced stuff. If you can convince Christians that they can break the rules as well as their own scriptures in the name of their beliefs you will advance to the deepest part of Hell. You might even get a private executive bathroom. Here at AD we only have a communal one, and it's NASTY!
You may be confused, let me explain. Christians are commanded to follow God's will as outlined in the scriptures. They are also commanded to submit to the authorities God put into power on this earth. Follow me so far? Good. Now the sticky bit is they are are allowed to break the laws and rules of men if they go against scripture, but they must still submit to the authorities in question. For example when Peter was preaching in Jerusalem, following God's command, he still went to prison.
Do you see the beautiful thing happening in this Indiana case? This girl is convinced that because she is a believer, she is ABOVE the law! True this is only a T-shirt, but with a little more work she can be convinced to break more important laws and ignore large swaths of scripture, all in the name of her faith. When truly her actions have more to do with what SHE wills. It's not as far from wearing a T-shirt to bombing abortion clinics or beating homosexuals as you might think. Keep at it fellows.
"Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt."
Brackish
This is my favorite type of controversy. It centers around children, education, and misguided zealotry. The problem stems from the fact that Highland High School has a dress code of khaki pants and polo shirts, NO NOVELTY TEES. So Brittany broke the rules, wore a religious themed shirt and was suspended. Forget the fact that she would have also been suspended if she wore Sponge Bob Square Pants. What is important is she believes her rights were violated because of her faith, even though she was clearly in the wrong. Wonderful! Instant controversy, just add living water.
Pay attention tempter trainees. This is advanced stuff. If you can convince Christians that they can break the rules as well as their own scriptures in the name of their beliefs you will advance to the deepest part of Hell. You might even get a private executive bathroom. Here at AD we only have a communal one, and it's NASTY!
You may be confused, let me explain. Christians are commanded to follow God's will as outlined in the scriptures. They are also commanded to submit to the authorities God put into power on this earth. Follow me so far? Good. Now the sticky bit is they are are allowed to break the laws and rules of men if they go against scripture, but they must still submit to the authorities in question. For example when Peter was preaching in Jerusalem, following God's command, he still went to prison.
Do you see the beautiful thing happening in this Indiana case? This girl is convinced that because she is a believer, she is ABOVE the law! True this is only a T-shirt, but with a little more work she can be convinced to break more important laws and ignore large swaths of scripture, all in the name of her faith. When truly her actions have more to do with what SHE wills. It's not as far from wearing a T-shirt to bombing abortion clinics or beating homosexuals as you might think. Keep at it fellows.
"Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt."
Brackish
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Publishing...House?
I like writing. It gives me a release and a way to express myself. Many times I've tried to get things published and I have high hopes of one day writing the Great Stygian Novel. However, despite my many experiments with the written word there is one form I have not yet explored. That would be writing on houses (story here).
Ms. Estrella Benavides of San Mateo, CA has been fined over $5,000 for painting her literary works upon her home. Benavides claims the writing to be messages from God. Funny, I've read His number one best seller and it doesn't sound like His work. Maybe it's William Shatner.
Brackish
Ms. Estrella Benavides of San Mateo, CA has been fined over $5,000 for painting her literary works upon her home. Benavides claims the writing to be messages from God. Funny, I've read His number one best seller and it doesn't sound like His work. Maybe it's William Shatner.
Brackish
Monday, August 27, 2007
Church Gets Raked Thru the Mud
As much as I love seeing churches filthy themselves with infighting, immoral pastors, and other petty sins, I couldn't help but put a positive (negative) spin on this story, Sadly the mud here is real mud and it was done as a sign of solidarity for a youth heading into the missions field. Shame.
Gads I hate it when churches act like real people. It's better when they are convinced that the way to holiness is by denying themselves any pleasure at all, forgetting even the pleasures He created for them to enjoy.
Pleasure and fun aren't sin. We can't even create such things, but we can twist them to our purpose. Sin is basically the wrong way to get the right thing. For example, eating and enjoying food is one of life's pleasures. But we can influence a person to make it the focus of one's life, to over indulge. This then can lead to emotional and physical problems as this treatment is administered over the course of their lives. We routinely do this with all of the good things in life which aren't beneficial to us when properly enjoyed in the right time and place, e.g. sex, leisure, friends, security, prosperity and even religious duty. By inspiring man to put his timing and priorities above His we can promote stealing, promiscuity, substance abuse, fanaticism and other sins. Subtract "love" and you have party.
It's also fun to push people into the opposite direction, to avoid all pleasurable things as sin. This then projects the world that to be a Christian is to be a loveless, joyless creature. Few people would want to sign up for that. The Victorian Age, was a great time of extremes. They had impossibly high ideals, which caused many to plunge headlong into our direction, all the while maintaining the image of soundness and propriety. All one needs to do is read "Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde" to see that they were aware of such things.
Sin is pleasurable, but pleasure is not sin. Our scientists are working on this problem, but have had little progress. Their studies did lead to the creation of Sudoku, so there is hope.
Brackish
Gads I hate it when churches act like real people. It's better when they are convinced that the way to holiness is by denying themselves any pleasure at all, forgetting even the pleasures He created for them to enjoy.
Pleasure and fun aren't sin. We can't even create such things, but we can twist them to our purpose. Sin is basically the wrong way to get the right thing. For example, eating and enjoying food is one of life's pleasures. But we can influence a person to make it the focus of one's life, to over indulge. This then can lead to emotional and physical problems as this treatment is administered over the course of their lives. We routinely do this with all of the good things in life which aren't beneficial to us when properly enjoyed in the right time and place, e.g. sex, leisure, friends, security, prosperity and even religious duty. By inspiring man to put his timing and priorities above His we can promote stealing, promiscuity, substance abuse, fanaticism and other sins. Subtract "love" and you have party.
It's also fun to push people into the opposite direction, to avoid all pleasurable things as sin. This then projects the world that to be a Christian is to be a loveless, joyless creature. Few people would want to sign up for that. The Victorian Age, was a great time of extremes. They had impossibly high ideals, which caused many to plunge headlong into our direction, all the while maintaining the image of soundness and propriety. All one needs to do is read "Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde" to see that they were aware of such things.
Sin is pleasurable, but pleasure is not sin. Our scientists are working on this problem, but have had little progress. Their studies did lead to the creation of Sudoku, so there is hope.
Brackish
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Bend it Like...Allah?
Well, that's more like it. For the past two posts I have been complaining about the unsuccessful attempts of our eastern division to start a riot among Christians in Malaysia. Today I received more promising news from South-East Afghanistan. A demonstration was held by Muslims protesting an act of kindness (story here). Apparently the U.S. military wanted to present a gift of soccer balls to the area children. The offending sports equipment bore the images of the Saudi Arabian flag which in turn included a quote from the Koran and the name of Allah. Oops. Luckily for our cause the Afghans never learned the phrase, "It's the thought that counts".
Brackish
Brackish
Saturday, August 25, 2007
What Would Jesus Drink?: Follow up
Well, it seems that while the Malaysian Christians could forgive, the Malaysian government could not. They went ahead and closed the Tamil-language paper, Makkal Osai, for publishing that picture of "HWSR" smoking and drinking (story here). The other huge irony is that the caption that accompanied the picture was, "if someone repents for his mistakes, then heaven awaits him".
I'm still quite upset at the missed opportunity for death and destruction. Forgiveness can be such a bother, really. "Turn the other cheek." "Bless those who curse you." "Forgive and you will be forgiven." SHEESH, how is anyone supposed to create large-scale violence and mayhem with those kind of guidelines? I mean without vengence, and putting one's injuries above the hurts of others those humans might actually promote unity! Shame. What a horrible example for the rest of the world. We shall have to redouble our efforts here in the states. There must be something we can get American Christians to needlessly protest. Now that Harry Potter is done, I'm afraid I'm at a loss. Well, there's always Dan Brown.
Brackish
I'm still quite upset at the missed opportunity for death and destruction. Forgiveness can be such a bother, really. "Turn the other cheek." "Bless those who curse you." "Forgive and you will be forgiven." SHEESH, how is anyone supposed to create large-scale violence and mayhem with those kind of guidelines? I mean without vengence, and putting one's injuries above the hurts of others those humans might actually promote unity! Shame. What a horrible example for the rest of the world. We shall have to redouble our efforts here in the states. There must be something we can get American Christians to needlessly protest. Now that Harry Potter is done, I'm afraid I'm at a loss. Well, there's always Dan Brown.
Brackish
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Was He Smoking Jeru-Salems?
Well I have to give our over-seas division credit for trying, but sadly the Christians of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia are too hard to incite to riot. On Tuesday the Tamil-language newspaper, Makkal Osai, mistakenly printed a picture of "The One Who Sits on the Right" smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer for a cover story they were running (story here). Christian groups were angered, but most seemed to accept an apology that the paper ran later explaining the mistake. Oddly enough it's the Hindu controlled Malaysian government who is up in arms, with officials calling for Makkal Osai to be shut down.
It's too bad Christians aren't as explosive as Muslims or the paper would be in flames by now. That whole call to forgive just keeps getting in the way. I fondly remember the Muhammad Cartoon riots of last year with the violence, the fires, and over one hundred people killed (see here). What a great vacation that was! Oh, well better luck next time, guys.
Brackish
It's too bad Christians aren't as explosive as Muslims or the paper would be in flames by now. That whole call to forgive just keeps getting in the way. I fondly remember the Muhammad Cartoon riots of last year with the violence, the fires, and over one hundred people killed (see here). What a great vacation that was! Oh, well better luck next time, guys.
Brackish
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Produced by Himmler Brothers...
Ah the days of one's youth. Remember those carefree days when it was raining outside and you had nothing to do? You and your siblings would go to the closet to pull down a game from the top shelf and while away the hours...bombing the crap out of England! Well now you can relive those memories this Thursday if you have at least $600. Mullock's auctioneers in Ludlow, Shropshire, UK is auctioning off a collection of Nazi board games (story here). Who says hate mongers don't like to have a bit of fun?
"Pretty sneaky, sis"
Brackish
"Pretty sneaky, sis"
Brackish
Monday, August 20, 2007
That Will Be 3 Hail Marys and a Shot of Seltzer.
As much as we demons consider priests to be a bunch of clowns, we never expected that they would actually start dressing like them! This story in the Catholic Herald relates the tale of Father Greg "Stripes" Serwa and his life as a priest and a clown for over 30 years.
We hate it when priests use humor in their ministry, because it makes them seem more approachable and (yuck!) human. But seriously who's going to want to go to confession, with all of that honking coming from the other booth?
Brackish
We hate it when priests use humor in their ministry, because it makes them seem more approachable and (yuck!) human. But seriously who's going to want to go to confession, with all of that honking coming from the other booth?
Brackish
Sunday, August 19, 2007
If your iPod causes you to sin, pluck it out...
Apparently for one church in California, the promise of treasures in heaven isn't good enough to get people to fill their pews. They feel they must resort to giving out gift cards as well. The Palm Beach Post.com reports in this story that for the next three Sundays, the Church by the Glades in Coral Springs will be handing out $15 iTunes gift cards along with a chance to win an iPhone.
Funny I thought promising people material gain was our schtick. What a nice way to ease people towards idolatry. We're excited to see what's next, maybe the chance to win a car if they get baptized! Heck, I'd go to church if I could win an iPhone! The iTunes card wouldn't help me much though, I own a Zune.
"You must be in it to win it,"
Brackish
Funny I thought promising people material gain was our schtick. What a nice way to ease people towards idolatry. We're excited to see what's next, maybe the chance to win a car if they get baptized! Heck, I'd go to church if I could win an iPhone! The iTunes card wouldn't help me much though, I own a Zune.
"You must be in it to win it,"
Brackish
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Very Mad Ave
A church in West Virginia has come up with an unconventional way of attracting new parishioners. They are advertising in the name of "Our Father Down Below". Their billboard, seen in this article, reads: "I hate the New Life Center in Cedar Grove! - Satan", and they provide a website address. Well, well, well, so posing as a devil to do an angel's work. Where have I heard that one before?
The funny thing is, that while the message may or may not be true (I never investigated to see how alive this church is) people are actually offended by it! Partially I think it is because we are so effective in doing our jobs. There is a line in the movie "The Usual Suspects" which goes, "The greatest trick the Devil ever played, was to convince the world that he doesn't exist." People tend to think God is a bromide, an opiate, and Satan is a scare tactic. Our progress report concerning this was a hot topic at our last office party, I assure you.
So then begs the question...why are we doing a blog when we want our movements to be concealed? Why does ABC report about security weaknesses and troop movements when the enemy surely owns at least one television? Mostly it is to encourage those who do good (bad) work and to inform others in the field. And we are so confident that our propaganda machine has done it's job, that no human will pay attention. After all we recently recruited Goebbels to our slogan writing team, and we have an offer out to Ron Popeil. I mean most people reading this will just think this is another human blogger clogging up the pipes and tubes of the blogosphere.
*wink*
Brackish
The funny thing is, that while the message may or may not be true (I never investigated to see how alive this church is) people are actually offended by it! Partially I think it is because we are so effective in doing our jobs. There is a line in the movie "The Usual Suspects" which goes, "The greatest trick the Devil ever played, was to convince the world that he doesn't exist." People tend to think God is a bromide, an opiate, and Satan is a scare tactic. Our progress report concerning this was a hot topic at our last office party, I assure you.
So then begs the question...why are we doing a blog when we want our movements to be concealed? Why does ABC report about security weaknesses and troop movements when the enemy surely owns at least one television? Mostly it is to encourage those who do good (bad) work and to inform others in the field. And we are so confident that our propaganda machine has done it's job, that no human will pay attention. After all we recently recruited Goebbels to our slogan writing team, and we have an offer out to Ron Popeil. I mean most people reading this will just think this is another human blogger clogging up the pipes and tubes of the blogosphere.
*wink*
Brackish
Friday, August 17, 2007
Dante's Cineplex
Well, it's Friday and we at AD can't wait for the end of the day. Because tonight is movie night! Now our tastes in movies might seem by some to be questionable and by others to be quite dreadful. This is because we absolutely adore movies that degrade the art form, that lower the bar, and were made solely for profit.
No this does NOT refer to horror movies. Many people think we love attending such features, but it is not the case. Once in a while a good one comes along (everyone dies and there is much cleavage), but in most horror films the villain loses in the end! Just like in "The Exorcist", hilarious movie, but such a dreadful ending. At their best horror movies teach humans to face their fears, and make them think about Good, Evil, Death and the Afterlife. All that thinking is BAD. So we shy away from those films.
The movies we prefer avoid such deep questions and, in fact, give humans unrealistic expectations about the lives they lead. Such it is with that epitome of modern cinema, the romantic comedy! In the romantic comedy every immoral action is excusable as long as it is done in the name of "True Love". Husbands can leave wives, property can be damaged, and laws can be broken just so we can end the movie with that passionate kiss.
Writers know the power of that ending and will allow themselves to get sloppy with every other area of the script. Sappy dialogue abounds, potholes gape and audiences eat it up. The end result is people start thinking about the "perfect" relationship. They start comparing themselves to the shadows that appear on the screen. "Why isn't my husband that romantic?", they ask, "Why isn't my wife that sexy?"
The truth is since no one on Earth is perfect, neither is any relationship. There is no such thing as finding THE ONE. If that were true then widows wouldn't ever be able to remarry, they would just die like forlorn love birds. The best part is with people having such high standards, even when they are in a truly great and stable relationship and they start to have trouble, they begin to doubt that they married the right person. "Why am I wasting my time in this relationship", they ask, "when THE ONE I'm supposed to be with might still be out there?" Our files are filled with broken lives and relationships caused by such "chasing after the horizon". What's really happening is the blame for the cooling off is being laid squarely on the spouse or loved one, and the one casting blame is ignoring his/her role in how things are. Simply beautiful. What could be better art than that?
Well, I must hurry. I have to make sure my work is done for the day so I'm not late tonight. There is a Sandra Bullock movie marathon at the Ritz.
Brackish
No this does NOT refer to horror movies. Many people think we love attending such features, but it is not the case. Once in a while a good one comes along (everyone dies and there is much cleavage), but in most horror films the villain loses in the end! Just like in "The Exorcist", hilarious movie, but such a dreadful ending. At their best horror movies teach humans to face their fears, and make them think about Good, Evil, Death and the Afterlife. All that thinking is BAD. So we shy away from those films.
The movies we prefer avoid such deep questions and, in fact, give humans unrealistic expectations about the lives they lead. Such it is with that epitome of modern cinema, the romantic comedy! In the romantic comedy every immoral action is excusable as long as it is done in the name of "True Love". Husbands can leave wives, property can be damaged, and laws can be broken just so we can end the movie with that passionate kiss.
Writers know the power of that ending and will allow themselves to get sloppy with every other area of the script. Sappy dialogue abounds, potholes gape and audiences eat it up. The end result is people start thinking about the "perfect" relationship. They start comparing themselves to the shadows that appear on the screen. "Why isn't my husband that romantic?", they ask, "Why isn't my wife that sexy?"
The truth is since no one on Earth is perfect, neither is any relationship. There is no such thing as finding THE ONE. If that were true then widows wouldn't ever be able to remarry, they would just die like forlorn love birds. The best part is with people having such high standards, even when they are in a truly great and stable relationship and they start to have trouble, they begin to doubt that they married the right person. "Why am I wasting my time in this relationship", they ask, "when THE ONE I'm supposed to be with might still be out there?" Our files are filled with broken lives and relationships caused by such "chasing after the horizon". What's really happening is the blame for the cooling off is being laid squarely on the spouse or loved one, and the one casting blame is ignoring his/her role in how things are. Simply beautiful. What could be better art than that?
Well, I must hurry. I have to make sure my work is done for the day so I'm not late tonight. There is a Sandra Bullock movie marathon at the Ritz.
Brackish
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Guess Who's Second Coming to Dinner
There were actually two things that angered us, when He created humans. One was, of course, the fact that they received free will, but the other was their ability to reason. It was those two things that placed them above the animals and the angels. It is what made them children. So it is that we relish any instance in which humans forgo the use of either ability and again show themselves to be the ignorant animals that they are.
Case in point in this story, a young couple claims to have found the face of "the One Who Sits on the Right" in their kitchen cabinet. First off, it never occured to them that patterns show up in wood grain that's how it's formed and the human mind (such as it is) is geared to try to make sense of whatever patterns it sees. The effect is like that of seeing animal forms in puffy clouds. If one claimed to see a bunny in the kitchen, there would have been no news story. As I stare at my office carpet, I myself can make out two Mohammeds, a Virgin Mary and a Mickey Rooney. Secondly, as far as miracles go, this sort of lacks the punch of say "parting the Red Sea", or raising someone from the dead. They actually think He has nothing better to do but go around and appear in burritos and woodworking. Naturally this actually works FOR our cause, as it religates the Creator of the Universe, to a cheap illusionist who needs to do small tricks to keep Him in the hearts and minds of men. If they ever truly understood the power, the strength, and the love He has and is willing to share with them, they would be lost to us forever.
Thankfully true miracles are rare, but when they happen they are unmistakable. They seemingly break all natural laws, but if One wrote the law that is a bit on the easy side. Miracles never contradict anything He has already said about Himself. Instead they have a purpose that reveals more about His nature. This knowledge will then cause a person to change his life for the better.
But when something strange occurs, humans are slow to engage the minds they were endowed with and are quick to attribute the event to God, or aliens, or even us. Making them afraid of every errant breeze or bump in the night. Now I would like the accolades but truly, my best work is done in secret. The attention would only make one aware of the whole Good vs. Evil thing and nothing beneficial can come of that. If human beings would only slow down, engage their brains and use their reason to discern the logical causes for such "supernatural" events, then they would be better attuned to recognize when God is truly speaking to them. This realization, is also thankfully very rare indeed.
Well, I must be off. I'm practicing baking potato chips that look like the Virgin Mary.
Brackish
Case in point in this story, a young couple claims to have found the face of "the One Who Sits on the Right" in their kitchen cabinet. First off, it never occured to them that patterns show up in wood grain that's how it's formed and the human mind (such as it is) is geared to try to make sense of whatever patterns it sees. The effect is like that of seeing animal forms in puffy clouds. If one claimed to see a bunny in the kitchen, there would have been no news story. As I stare at my office carpet, I myself can make out two Mohammeds, a Virgin Mary and a Mickey Rooney. Secondly, as far as miracles go, this sort of lacks the punch of say "parting the Red Sea", or raising someone from the dead. They actually think He has nothing better to do but go around and appear in burritos and woodworking. Naturally this actually works FOR our cause, as it religates the Creator of the Universe, to a cheap illusionist who needs to do small tricks to keep Him in the hearts and minds of men. If they ever truly understood the power, the strength, and the love He has and is willing to share with them, they would be lost to us forever.
Thankfully true miracles are rare, but when they happen they are unmistakable. They seemingly break all natural laws, but if One wrote the law that is a bit on the easy side. Miracles never contradict anything He has already said about Himself. Instead they have a purpose that reveals more about His nature. This knowledge will then cause a person to change his life for the better.
But when something strange occurs, humans are slow to engage the minds they were endowed with and are quick to attribute the event to God, or aliens, or even us. Making them afraid of every errant breeze or bump in the night. Now I would like the accolades but truly, my best work is done in secret. The attention would only make one aware of the whole Good vs. Evil thing and nothing beneficial can come of that. If human beings would only slow down, engage their brains and use their reason to discern the logical causes for such "supernatural" events, then they would be better attuned to recognize when God is truly speaking to them. This realization, is also thankfully very rare indeed.
Well, I must be off. I'm practicing baking potato chips that look like the Virgin Mary.
Brackish
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Promising Youth
We'd like to salute a promising young lad from Hastings, MI who has great future ahead of him. He stole a neighbor's car and and went on a rampage. Not bad for only being eight years old. We wish him a speedy recovery and encourage his parents to continue to ignore any parenting advice they might be given after this incident. Hopefully with direction (or lack there of) he can graduate beyond driving at a "mediocre" speed, and move on to driving like a bat out of...well, you know.
Brackish
Brackish
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Get Your Kicks on Route 666
Today I want to celebrate one of the little things, which makes life intolerable. That, of course, is the experience of driving. Many of my readers might be surprised to find that the "children of below" actually know how to drive. Ah, but my friends driving is one of our greatest pleasures. It gives the human race such an emense opportunity for sin. How could we not participate?
Whether they are driving faster than the posted limit, or raging at the person who is driving too slowly, humans are truly at their worst (or best) while driving. We encourage such behavior naturally. We do our humble part of adding to the experience by hanging too long in the fast lane, or hugging one's bumper. My favorite is taking turns nice and slow, so the person who is waiting for me to complete my turn, loses all patience.
This is where I must give kudos as well as instruction. On one such occasion I was making a left hand turn while there was a person on my left also waiting to make a turn. I moved my car (a gremlin, naturally) slowly around her's, taking my time and hoping for a reaction. I got one, although it was barely worth it. I peered through her windshield and got a sight of her gently resting the back of her hand on her steering wheel as she gave me a one finger salute. Now, kudos for her display of rudeness, but what a feeble display. Where was the passion, the rage, or the mindless anger. I swear what is this generation coming to if such a basic gesture as flipping one off can't be done with any gusto?
So I implore those rage and grumble behind their steering wheels as they drive to work or church, keep in practice. The enemy tells us to "practice righteousness" because it truly doesn't come naturally. Well neither does deep depravity. No one starts out incredibly evil, most are mediocre at best. The longer one practices sin, the worse the sin becomes. So keep up the good (bad) work, those who drive. You never know who is on the road preventing you from merging.
See you soon,
Brackish
Whether they are driving faster than the posted limit, or raging at the person who is driving too slowly, humans are truly at their worst (or best) while driving. We encourage such behavior naturally. We do our humble part of adding to the experience by hanging too long in the fast lane, or hugging one's bumper. My favorite is taking turns nice and slow, so the person who is waiting for me to complete my turn, loses all patience.
This is where I must give kudos as well as instruction. On one such occasion I was making a left hand turn while there was a person on my left also waiting to make a turn. I moved my car (a gremlin, naturally) slowly around her's, taking my time and hoping for a reaction. I got one, although it was barely worth it. I peered through her windshield and got a sight of her gently resting the back of her hand on her steering wheel as she gave me a one finger salute. Now, kudos for her display of rudeness, but what a feeble display. Where was the passion, the rage, or the mindless anger. I swear what is this generation coming to if such a basic gesture as flipping one off can't be done with any gusto?
So I implore those rage and grumble behind their steering wheels as they drive to work or church, keep in practice. The enemy tells us to "practice righteousness" because it truly doesn't come naturally. Well neither does deep depravity. No one starts out incredibly evil, most are mediocre at best. The longer one practices sin, the worse the sin becomes. So keep up the good (bad) work, those who drive. You never know who is on the road preventing you from merging.
See you soon,
Brackish
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Welcome Patients
Welcome to the first entry in an epic experiment. This blog was set aside by our Father Down Below to praise those people who in one way or another work to make this world a worse place in which to live. Our sole purpose is recognize people, businesses, or governments who do the wrong thing at exactly the right time. From every little annoyance to every heinous crime, none will escape our admiration and kudos. Much like our patron devil and inspiration, Screwtape, we hope that in doing this great work, we will lead and encourage other to lead mankind homeward to a warmer clime.
Yours Truly,
Brackish
Yours Truly,
Brackish
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