Push Button Larceny

We live in an age where technology contributes to make even the most mundane tasks of life effortless to accomplish. People can change channels on the television without lifting their expanding bums off the sofa or they can shop online without ever stepping into a store. Crime too has been affected by this extreme focus on convenience. A woman in South Carolina attempted to rob a bank WITHOUT LEAVING THE CAR (story here)! Barbara Joyner of Callahan, Fla drove up to the South Carolina Bank & Trust drive through and slipped a note into the tube demanding money from the teller. Unmoved, the teller notified police while Barbara waited for her withdrawal. Sadly Ms. Joyner's choice of banks was also convenient...for the police. She was only up the block from the police station, so when they were notified they only had to chase her through the parking lots of two stores before apprehending her.

This is the backlash of our propaganda, I'm afraid. In our push to emphasize the "quick fix" over hard work to provide one's needs, even the quality of sin suffers. True we benefit regardless of HOW the deed is done, but where is the pride in a job well done? It's a great way to bump up one's quota for the week to be sure but these "wins" look rather paltry on the resumé. So I propose we back off on sloth and impatience and emphasize pride in the New Year. In this way we can obtain both quality and quantity in our "collars". With any luck our subjects will be clever enough to become repeat business for us by not getting caught. I'm feeling that '08 will be the year of the crime spree, I mean apart from Microsoft.

Brackish

If Only He Had Cash for the Laundrymat.

Now no one enjoys doing the laundry. I myself tend to put it off as long as possible, but last week my Mongolian Death Worm had digestive problems so I was liberally dipping into the clorox almost daily. Apparently though the person in my next story couldn't be bothered. He wore the same clothes he wore during a bank robbery for two days even though they were covered with the remains of a DYE PACK! (story here)

I admire his work ethic, pulling off three robberies in one week. But where is the style, the finesse? John Dillinger would have at least changed his shirt after doing a job! Those were the days, robbers wore suits, ties and had clean haircuts. Willie Sutton was an immaculate dresser, when he dressed as himself, that is. Usually he wore disguises when he robbed banks which is how he got the name "Willie the Actor" or "Slick Willie". Some fine class of robbers we have these days. We're lucky if they were a clean "hoodie". I was always told that you should dress for the the job you want. Looking at today's career criminals you'd think they'd all want to work at Good Will! Oh well, a devilish deed is a devilish deed. And a hard working devil can't be too picky. After all it's what's on the inside that counts.

Brackish