Hunt the Krampus

Nothing bothers me more than a brown-noser. Sure we have our share of obsequious maggots here in Hell. Pain tends to make one rather compliant. However on the earthly plane there is a particularly nauseating tradition in the Alpine regions which stokes an inferno in my gullet. I refer to the character of "the Krampus". In many European cultures Santa Claus, St. Nick, or Father Christmas depending on whatever alias applies, sometimes has helpers other than elves that follow him around during the season. In Austria, a tradition left over from pagan times holds that St. Nicholas in his triumph over evil was able to subjugate a demon to do his bidding. This hairy, long tongued demon known as the Krampus carries a switch and wears chains as a sign of his servitude. While St. Nick gives gifts to the good, the Krampus beats the stuffing out of those who have been naughty and crams them into his sack. His big day is December 5th, the day before the fat man shows up, known as St. Nicholas Eve or Krampus Day. People dress as the Krampus and wander around the village square terrorizing children and dodging their snowballs. How humiliating!

In Southern Austria this initial ritual has expanded to a full week-end extravaganza! The Krampusfest (Kränchen) begins on the Saturday after St. Nicholas Eve. This is more of an adult event as the focus is actually on BEING naughty. Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed and later expressed by rather unnatural but sadly inevitable means.

In the Netherlands this story evolved into the tradition of "Black Peter" (Zwarte Piet), a black Moor in colorful pantaloons, feathered cap, and Renaissance costume. His role is the same as the Krampus, but since Peter is supposedly a foreign "devil" from Spain, he spirits naughty children back to his homeland in a sack that he carries. Odd, I thought most people thought New Jersey was hell. For obvious reasons the more modern version of the story has Black Peter gaining his coloration from chimney soot rather than heritage. Jessie Jackson stands unconvinced.

Now the theme of righteous men having control over infernal powers is nothing new to myth and legend. According to Jewish folklore King Solomon had a ring which gave him power over demons. It was said that it was this spiritual labor force that helped build his temple. Bet Hollywood could use THAT during the writer's strike! Of course neither architecture nor following a dotty old gift giver truly appeal to me this holiday season. I'm just going to do what I do every Christmas Eve...steal parking spaces away from last minute shoppers! Bwahaahahahahahha!

Brackish

P.S. A list of other "Tim Burtonesque" companions can be found here.