"She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is virgin-shaped."

I stand proud as a fallen angel when I see human beings so confused and uncertain about their lives, that they mistake a ray of light for a ray of hope (see story). In Minersville, PA crowds of people have been drawn to a garage door that supposedly manifests the image of the mother of "He Who Sits on the Right".

What kills me is that it is so obviously a reflection, and it's not even our best work. When you watch the video, people repeatedly stand in front of the image and block the light, taking out hunks of virgin. Yet, no one notices. We have created such a fearful climate that people will accept ANYTHING as a sign that God has not forgotten them. Even better, this display of gullible, unquestioning attitudes on the part of believers makes non-believers even more secure in their atheism.

Broken angels! I've seen better special effects on the old "Outer Limits" TV show. But then our Pennsylvania branch HAS been struggling a bit lately, budget cuts you know. Actually I find this to be a far more persuasive display (click here). I wonder how much he charges per appearance? Hmmm. Excuse me, I must fire off a "Request for Quote".

Brackish

What Would Clinton and Stacy Say?

I've never been much of a fashion plate. I've worn, feathers, robes, the occasional hoodie but no one would be tempted to come up to me and ask, "Who are you wearing?" For one young girl in Indiana, however, that answer would be "God" (story here).

This is my favorite type of controversy. It centers around children, education, and misguided zealotry. The problem stems from the fact that Highland High School has a dress code of khaki pants and polo shirts, NO NOVELTY TEES. So Brittany broke the rules, wore a religious themed shirt and was suspended. Forget the fact that she would have also been suspended if she wore Sponge Bob Square Pants. What is important is she believes her rights were violated because of her faith, even though she was clearly in the wrong. Wonderful! Instant controversy, just add living water.

Pay attention tempter trainees. This is advanced stuff. If you can convince Christians that they can break the rules as well as their own scriptures in the name of their beliefs you will advance to the deepest part of Hell. You might even get a private executive bathroom. Here at AD we only have a communal one, and it's NASTY!

You may be confused, let me explain. Christians are commanded to follow God's will as outlined in the scriptures. They are also commanded to submit to the authorities God put into power on this earth. Follow me so far? Good. Now the sticky bit is they are are allowed to break the laws and rules of men if they go against scripture, but they must still submit to the authorities in question. For example when Peter was preaching in Jerusalem, following God's command, he still went to prison.

Do you see the beautiful thing happening in this Indiana case? This girl is convinced that because she is a believer, she is ABOVE the law! True this is only a T-shirt, but with a little more work she can be convinced to break more important laws and ignore large swaths of scripture, all in the name of her faith. When truly her actions have more to do with what SHE wills. It's not as far from wearing a T-shirt to bombing abortion clinics or beating homosexuals as you might think. Keep at it fellows.

"Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt."

Brackish

Publishing...House?

I like writing. It gives me a release and a way to express myself. Many times I've tried to get things published and I have high hopes of one day writing the Great Stygian Novel. However, despite my many experiments with the written word there is one form I have not yet explored. That would be writing on houses (story here).

Ms. Estrella Benavides of San Mateo, CA has been fined over $5,000 for painting her literary works upon her home. Benavides claims the writing to be messages from God. Funny, I've read His number one best seller and it doesn't sound like His work. Maybe it's William Shatner.

Brackish

Church Gets Raked Thru the Mud

As much as I love seeing churches filthy themselves with infighting, immoral pastors, and other petty sins, I couldn't help but put a positive (negative) spin on this story, Sadly the mud here is real mud and it was done as a sign of solidarity for a youth heading into the missions field. Shame.

Gads I hate it when churches act like real people. It's better when they are convinced that the way to holiness is by denying themselves any pleasure at all, forgetting even the pleasures He created for them to enjoy.

Pleasure and fun aren't sin. We can't even create such things, but we can twist them to our purpose. Sin is basically the wrong way to get the right thing. For example, eating and enjoying food is one of life's pleasures. But we can influence a person to make it the focus of one's life, to over indulge. This then can lead to emotional and physical problems as this treatment is administered over the course of their lives. We routinely do this with all of the good things in life which aren't beneficial to us when properly enjoyed in the right time and place, e.g. sex, leisure, friends, security, prosperity and even religious duty. By inspiring man to put his timing and priorities above His we can promote stealing, promiscuity, substance abuse, fanaticism and other sins. Subtract "love" and you have party.

It's also fun to push people into the opposite direction, to avoid all pleasurable things as sin. This then projects the world that to be a Christian is to be a loveless, joyless creature. Few people would want to sign up for that. The Victorian Age, was a great time of extremes. They had impossibly high ideals, which caused many to plunge headlong into our direction, all the while maintaining the image of soundness and propriety. All one needs to do is read "Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde" to see that they were aware of such things.

Sin is pleasurable, but pleasure is not sin. Our scientists are working on this problem, but have had little progress. Their studies did lead to the creation of Sudoku, so there is hope.

Brackish

Bend it Like...Allah?

Well, that's more like it. For the past two posts I have been complaining about the unsuccessful attempts of our eastern division to start a riot among Christians in Malaysia. Today I received more promising news from South-East Afghanistan. A demonstration was held by Muslims protesting an act of kindness (story here). Apparently the U.S. military wanted to present a gift of soccer balls to the area children. The offending sports equipment bore the images of the Saudi Arabian flag which in turn included a quote from the Koran and the name of Allah. Oops. Luckily for our cause the Afghans never learned the phrase, "It's the thought that counts".


Brackish

What Would Jesus Drink?: Follow up

Well, it seems that while the Malaysian Christians could forgive, the Malaysian government could not. They went ahead and closed the Tamil-language paper, Makkal Osai, for publishing that picture of "HWSR" smoking and drinking (story here). The other huge irony is that the caption that accompanied the picture was, "if someone repents for his mistakes, then heaven awaits him".

I'm still quite upset at the missed opportunity for death and destruction. Forgiveness can be such a bother, really. "Turn the other cheek." "Bless those who curse you." "Forgive and you will be forgiven." SHEESH, how is anyone supposed to create large-scale violence and mayhem with those kind of guidelines? I mean without vengence, and putting one's injuries above the hurts of others those humans might actually promote unity! Shame. What a horrible example for the rest of the world. We shall have to redouble our efforts here in the states. There must be something we can get American Christians to needlessly protest. Now that Harry Potter is done, I'm afraid I'm at a loss. Well, there's always Dan Brown.

Brackish

Was He Smoking Jeru-Salems?

Well I have to give our over-seas division credit for trying, but sadly the Christians of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia are too hard to incite to riot. On Tuesday the Tamil-language newspaper, Makkal Osai, mistakenly printed a picture of "The One Who Sits on the Right" smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer for a cover story they were running (story here). Christian groups were angered, but most seemed to accept an apology that the paper ran later explaining the mistake. Oddly enough it's the Hindu controlled Malaysian government who is up in arms, with officials calling for Makkal Osai to be shut down.

It's too bad Christians aren't as explosive as Muslims or the paper would be in flames by now. That whole call to forgive just keeps getting in the way. I fondly remember the Muhammad Cartoon riots of last year with the violence, the fires, and over one hundred people killed (see here). What a great vacation that was! Oh, well better luck next time, guys.


Brackish

Produced by Himmler Brothers...

Ah the days of one's youth. Remember those carefree days when it was raining outside and you had nothing to do? You and your siblings would go to the closet to pull down a game from the top shelf and while away the hours...bombing the crap out of England! Well now you can relive those memories this Thursday if you have at least $600. Mullock's auctioneers in Ludlow, Shropshire, UK is auctioning off a collection of Nazi board games (story here). Who says hate mongers don't like to have a bit of fun?

"Pretty sneaky, sis"

Brackish

That Will Be 3 Hail Marys and a Shot of Seltzer.

As much as we demons consider priests to be a bunch of clowns, we never expected that they would actually start dressing like them! This story in the Catholic Herald relates the tale of Father Greg "Stripes" Serwa and his life as a priest and a clown for over 30 years.

We hate it when priests use humor in their ministry, because it makes them seem more approachable and (yuck!) human. But seriously who's going to want to go to confession, with all of that honking coming from the other booth?

Brackish

If your iPod causes you to sin, pluck it out...

Apparently for one church in California, the promise of treasures in heaven isn't good enough to get people to fill their pews. They feel they must resort to giving out gift cards as well. The Palm Beach Post.com reports in this story that for the next three Sundays, the Church by the Glades in Coral Springs will be handing out $15 iTunes gift cards along with a chance to win an iPhone.

Funny I thought promising people material gain was our schtick. What a nice way to ease people towards idolatry. We're excited to see what's next, maybe the chance to win a car if they get baptized! Heck, I'd go to church if I could win an iPhone! The iTunes card wouldn't help me much though, I own a Zune.

"You must be in it to win it,"

Brackish

Very Mad Ave

A church in West Virginia has come up with an unconventional way of attracting new parishioners. They are advertising in the name of "Our Father Down Below". Their billboard, seen in this article, reads: "I hate the New Life Center in Cedar Grove! - Satan", and they provide a website address. Well, well, well, so posing as a devil to do an angel's work. Where have I heard that one before?

The funny thing is, that while the message may or may not be true (I never investigated to see how alive this church is) people are actually offended by it! Partially I think it is because we are so effective in doing our jobs. There is a line in the movie "The Usual Suspects" which goes, "The greatest trick the Devil ever played, was to convince the world that he doesn't exist." People tend to think God is a bromide, an opiate, and Satan is a scare tactic. Our progress report concerning this was a hot topic at our last office party, I assure you.

So then begs the question...why are we doing a blog when we want our movements to be concealed? Why does ABC report about security weaknesses and troop movements when the enemy surely owns at least one television? Mostly it is to encourage those who do good (bad) work and to inform others in the field. And we are so confident that our propaganda machine has done it's job, that no human will pay attention. After all we recently recruited Goebbels to our slogan writing team, and we have an offer out to Ron Popeil. I mean most people reading this will just think this is another human blogger clogging up the pipes and tubes of the blogosphere.

*wink*
Brackish

Dante's Cineplex

Well, it's Friday and we at AD can't wait for the end of the day. Because tonight is movie night! Now our tastes in movies might seem by some to be questionable and by others to be quite dreadful. This is because we absolutely adore movies that degrade the art form, that lower the bar, and were made solely for profit.

No this does NOT refer to horror movies. Many people think we love attending such features, but it is not the case. Once in a while a good one comes along (everyone dies and there is much cleavage), but in most horror films the villain loses in the end! Just like in "The Exorcist", hilarious movie, but such a dreadful ending. At their best horror movies teach humans to face their fears, and make them think about Good, Evil, Death and the Afterlife. All that thinking is BAD. So we shy away from those films.

The movies we prefer avoid such deep questions and, in fact, give humans unrealistic expectations about the lives they lead. Such it is with that epitome of modern cinema, the romantic comedy! In the romantic comedy every immoral action is excusable as long as it is done in the name of "True Love". Husbands can leave wives, property can be damaged, and laws can be broken just so we can end the movie with that passionate kiss.

Writers know the power of that ending and will allow themselves to get sloppy with every other area of the script. Sappy dialogue abounds, potholes gape and audiences eat it up. The end result is people start thinking about the "perfect" relationship. They start comparing themselves to the shadows that appear on the screen. "Why isn't my husband that romantic?", they ask, "Why isn't my wife that sexy?"

The truth is since no one on Earth is perfect, neither is any relationship. There is no such thing as finding THE ONE. If that were true then widows wouldn't ever be able to remarry, they would just die like forlorn love birds. The best part is with people having such high standards, even when they are in a truly great and stable relationship and they start to have trouble, they begin to doubt that they married the right person. "Why am I wasting my time in this relationship", they ask, "when THE ONE I'm supposed to be with might still be out there?" Our files are filled with broken lives and relationships caused by such "chasing after the horizon". What's really happening is the blame for the cooling off is being laid squarely on the spouse or loved one, and the one casting blame is ignoring his/her role in how things are. Simply beautiful. What could be better art than that?

Well, I must hurry. I have to make sure my work is done for the day so I'm not late tonight. There is a Sandra Bullock movie marathon at the Ritz.

Brackish

Guess Who's Second Coming to Dinner

There were actually two things that angered us, when He created humans. One was, of course, the fact that they received free will, but the other was their ability to reason. It was those two things that placed them above the animals and the angels. It is what made them children. So it is that we relish any instance in which humans forgo the use of either ability and again show themselves to be the ignorant animals that they are.

Case in point in this story, a young couple claims to have found the face of "the One Who Sits on the Right" in their kitchen cabinet. First off, it never occured to them that patterns show up in wood grain that's how it's formed and the human mind (such as it is) is geared to try to make sense of whatever patterns it sees. The effect is like that of seeing animal forms in puffy clouds. If one claimed to see a bunny in the kitchen, there would have been no news story. As I stare at my office carpet, I myself can make out two Mohammeds, a Virgin Mary and a Mickey Rooney. Secondly, as far as miracles go, this sort of lacks the punch of say "parting the Red Sea", or raising someone from the dead. They actually think He has nothing better to do but go around and appear in burritos and woodworking. Naturally this actually works FOR our cause, as it religates the Creator of the Universe, to a cheap illusionist who needs to do small tricks to keep Him in the hearts and minds of men. If they ever truly understood the power, the strength, and the love He has and is willing to share with them, they would be lost to us forever.

Thankfully true miracles are rare, but when they happen they are unmistakable. They seemingly break all natural laws, but if One wrote the law that is a bit on the easy side. Miracles never contradict anything He has already said about Himself. Instead they have a purpose that reveals more about His nature. This knowledge will then cause a person to change his life for the better.

But when something strange occurs, humans are slow to engage the minds they were endowed with and are quick to attribute the event to God, or aliens, or even us. Making them afraid of every errant breeze or bump in the night. Now I would like the accolades but truly, my best work is done in secret. The attention would only make one aware of the whole Good vs. Evil thing and nothing beneficial can come of that. If human beings would only slow down, engage their brains and use their reason to discern the logical causes for such "supernatural" events, then they would be better attuned to recognize when God is truly speaking to them. This realization, is also thankfully very rare indeed.

Well, I must be off. I'm practicing baking potato chips that look like the Virgin Mary.


Brackish

Promising Youth

We'd like to salute a promising young lad from Hastings, MI who has great future ahead of him. He stole a neighbor's car and and went on a rampage. Not bad for only being eight years old. We wish him a speedy recovery and encourage his parents to continue to ignore any parenting advice they might be given after this incident. Hopefully with direction (or lack there of) he can graduate beyond driving at a "mediocre" speed, and move on to driving like a bat out of...well, you know.

Brackish

Get Your Kicks on Route 666

Today I want to celebrate one of the little things, which makes life intolerable. That, of course, is the experience of driving. Many of my readers might be surprised to find that the "children of below" actually know how to drive. Ah, but my friends driving is one of our greatest pleasures. It gives the human race such an emense opportunity for sin. How could we not participate?

Whether they are driving faster than the posted limit, or raging at the person who is driving too slowly, humans are truly at their worst (or best) while driving. We encourage such behavior naturally. We do our humble part of adding to the experience by hanging too long in the fast lane, or hugging one's bumper. My favorite is taking turns nice and slow, so the person who is waiting for me to complete my turn, loses all patience.

This is where I must give kudos as well as instruction. On one such occasion I was making a left hand turn while there was a person on my left also waiting to make a turn. I moved my car (a gremlin, naturally) slowly around her's, taking my time and hoping for a reaction. I got one, although it was barely worth it. I peered through her windshield and got a sight of her gently resting the back of her hand on her steering wheel as she gave me a one finger salute. Now, kudos for her display of rudeness, but what a feeble display. Where was the passion, the rage, or the mindless anger. I swear what is this generation coming to if such a basic gesture as flipping one off can't be done with any gusto?

So I implore those rage and grumble behind their steering wheels as they drive to work or church, keep in practice. The enemy tells us to "practice righteousness" because it truly doesn't come naturally. Well neither does deep depravity. No one starts out incredibly evil, most are mediocre at best. The longer one practices sin, the worse the sin becomes. So keep up the good (bad) work, those who drive. You never know who is on the road preventing you from merging.

See you soon,

Brackish

Welcome Patients

Welcome to the first entry in an epic experiment. This blog was set aside by our Father Down Below to praise those people who in one way or another work to make this world a worse place in which to live. Our sole purpose is recognize people, businesses, or governments who do the wrong thing at exactly the right time. From every little annoyance to every heinous crime, none will escape our admiration and kudos. Much like our patron devil and inspiration, Screwtape, we hope that in doing this great work, we will lead and encourage other to lead mankind homeward to a warmer clime.

Yours Truly,

Brackish