Plank's for the Mammories

One would expect a scientific institute to know how to do research. However, it would seem Germany's Max Planck Institute, under the influence of tight deadlines or too many lonely nights, forgot to Google.

In the current issue of their scientific journal focusing on China the editors wanted to find a simple yet elegant Chinese poem to adorn their cover, honoring the asian nation. What they got was an advert for "Hot Housewives in action!" (story here).

We all know the old trick of influencing our young subjects to get drunk and pay for an asian tattoo which ends up meaning something quite different than what they intended. It's an old Tempter School prank which results in many a hairless ape promenading around with the Chinese or Japanese words for "Prostitute", "Kung Pow Chicken", or "This is one ugly foreigner" emblazoned on their fragile bodies. But to get a scientific institute to make such an international faux pas, is quite an achievement!

Or perhaps it was an effort to stimulate the global economy by getting droves of quantum physicists to book flights to China. Either way there is one strip club owner in Macau, who will definitely have to learn German.

- Brackish

Black and Blue Friday Festivities

After the last morsel of turkey is eaten and the last spot of cranberry sauce is scrubbed off the good linen comes my favorite time of the year...the Xmas Season! What, you say! How dare you be caught up in the Enemy's propaganda and celebrate our eventual defeat by honoring the birth of The Kid! Now don't get your forked tails in a knot. Much "good" has been done for our cause by influencing humans to focus on the traditions of the holiday rather than on the central theme. That distasteful theme, of course, is that the Creator's Kid was born into the world to live, suffer and die as a hairless monkey so that faith in Him will save other hairless monkeys from our fate...eternal separation from God.

Through our careful manipulation we have been able to shift focus from Christ to Claus, from spiritual gifts to electronic ones, and from being saved to saving money. These distraction techniques culminate to our holiest of days, "Black Friday". Not that it's wrong for a human to save money on a thoughtful gift to a loved one. We'd never make any progress that way, but again it is a matter of degrees. Multiply that shopper by thousands, and magnify that thrifty spirit so that it becomes a kissing cousin to blind greed, and you've got yourself one hoppin holiday!

And this year the shopping season began with a BANG in a Wal-Mart in New York! One worker died and four others were taken to hospital as about TWO-THOUSAND people surged through the doors at five in the morning with the spirit of giving in their hearts (story here). Their hearts were so filled with peace and love they didn't hear the screams nor did they lose their focus in hunting down every red-tagged item as they trampled, shoved and abused one another in the name of Big Savings. In fact shoppers were angered when the death made it necessary to close the store thus interrupting their search for this year's "Something, Something Elmo" doll.

Don't you wish that Xmas came more than once a year?

- Brackish

Real Estate Going Up...Literally!

We are well aware of the concept of the Rapture. That is when the Enemy will declare "Everybody out of the pool", and assume all of the faithful into that near but far away Kingdom. I wasn't aware that they were going to take any real estate with them.

It would appear that the Russian village of Komarovo is MISSING a church. For 200 years the Church of Christ's Resurrection stood a beacon in a dark and increasingly atheistic world. Now all that is left is its ancient stone foundation and a rather large sense of confusion. Maybe some angel misread the paperwork and ushered Christ's Church home (story here).

In another sad note, but rather encouraging for us, NOBODY NOTICED. These days apparently the only people who attend the church are the region's clergy.

One down, too many to go.

Brackish

Season of Spin (repost 08)

Ah, it is again that time of year when powerful opponents with many followers attempt to influence the public by telling falsehoods against the other. No I'm not referring to the current political contest in the States, but I'm referring to Halloween.

Halloween, which is the Christian name for Samhain an old Celtic holiday, has long since been a boogie-man to many a pulpit percher. This year the 700 Club published their annual propaganda against the holiday (story here).

Now while we encourage ANY faith or practice that distracts from the Other Side, the celebration of Halloween is NOTHING compared to the campaign AGAINST it that comes every year. What a great way to win converts by telling candy collecting children and other fun loving celebrants that they are going to Hell. Handing out tracts and shouting out judgements actually pushes people further in our direction than if one reaches out in love and concern.

But are any of their arguments true? Is Halloween Satan's Christmas? Do modern Wiccans still hold evil rituals during this time of year? Well to tell the truth Halloween is rather a "meh" holiday around here. But that doesn't prevent the 700 Club from putting their spin on it. Let me do a "factcheck.org" by dispelling a few points against their campaign:

• Samhain, while truly the original name of the ancient Celtic festival, is NOT the name of their "Lord of the Dead". There was NO "Lord of the Dead". There is a "Lord of the Dance", and Michael Flatley scares the maggots out of me! Actually Samhain was the time of year, the time when the growing time ended and the long winter was to begin.

• The Celts did NOT sacrifice people for religious purposes at this time. There is only a single record of this and this was written by Julius Caeser. It was wartime propaganda.

• This wasn't a time to worship demons, but a hopeful time to honor long past relatives and to get messages of hope for the future.

• Costumes and "Trick-or-Treating" are actually from a later period and have much more to do with the Christian influences on the holiday.

• Halloween actually the Christian name which is short for "All Hallows Eve". November 1 is All Saints Day, a Church holiday to honor the saints and to give converted Celts a holiday to "replace" Samhain.

• His Lord Below had very little to do with the holiday other than promoting it as a distraction. It was just another "Also Ran" like other faiths. No more, no less.

• Wiccans typically celebrate Samhain on a date NEAR October 31. They don't want to be bothered by the many "Trick-or-Treaters" who are out on Halloween.

For more information, from an unbiased source, I direct you to the Library of Congress's website HERE. And for more info about Wicca I humbly submit this from Religious Tolerance.org HERE.

But maybe our best tactic here shouldn't be to dispel the rumors and falsehoods directed against us. Perhaps we should "turn the other cheek" as it were. For as long as people are fighting against this harmless bastardization of a now defunct belief system they aren't spreading the true and more dangerous message of the good news of the Nazarine. They aren't focusing on the real ills of the world and worrying about establishing good relationships with hurting and lost people. Their bad witness might win more converts for us than the mess Christmas has become.

Hmmm. Well, I could do with a rest. I've been up late nursing Toby, my Mongolian death worm through a bout of IBS. That's hell on a worm, they are ALL intestine!

- Happy Halloween,

Brackish

Down In Front! I Can't See Armageddon!

We all know how hard it is to get a good seat.  You stand in line and wait...and wait....aaaaannnd WAIT!  Then when you get inside the theater the only open seats where you feel comfortable sitting are in the middle of the row and you have to push by a phalanx of concert goers, all with food and no space to avoid stepping on their feet.  You no sooner sit down, when you have an overpowering urge to go to the bathroom.  So not wanting to miss a single note of music you strain for a few moments invoking the powers of your mind over your feeble matter, but it's no use.  You get up, do a tap dance on the feet of the people sitting next to you to get to the aisle, and head for the restroom.  Once relieved, you head back into that tangled mass of humanity only to find someone has taken your recently relinquished seat.

At least that's how I imaging it would be if I had a bladder, but I digress.

It would seem that ever since the Kid declared he was going to make a big comeback someday, people have be clamoring to get a front row seat at the End of Days Concert.  Jewish believers, so discontent with His first show, refuse to even acknowledge it.  The want to treat the Second Coming as His First. 

Critics.

Anyhoo, this has lead to the strange situation concerning the real estate around the area known as the Temple Mount, where it is believed the Kid will make his big entrance.  The Jerusalem Post relates the story of an unusual deal over a piece of real estate that stipulates that when the Messiah comes the ownership will revert to the original seller (story here).

That's a die hard fan!  I wonder how much the concert T-shirts will cost?

the Eternal Celine Dion fan,

Brackish

Intercepted Message from the Enemy

Greetings pets! Today is an unusual day as I did not write the meat of today's report. Apparently one of our agents found a misplaced PDA with a distinctive "double-winged" logo emblazoned on the back. On it we found what seemed to be the rough draft of a dispatch from the enemy camp. We reproduce it here in its entirety to remind our readers that they are constantly preparing their weapons for war so vigilance is key.

Daily report for September 2008

Gabriel Reporting

It has come to our notice that many of the saints share similar concerns, and said concerns are constantly being brought to the Father in prayer. While this is commendable as ALL concerns are to be dealt with by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, we have noticed that some of these requests are very repetitious and are taking time away from other concerns which may need to be focused on. So in the name of efficiency I will take it upon myself to answer one or two of said concerns to conserve the saints' precious time.

Request No. 1: World Peace
This one comes up alot. It is also a frequent goal of many a beauty contest winner. We started an investigation to uncover the parties responsible for this plague of war, and it seems that we have very little to do with it. It would seem that ALL of the wars and rumors of wars are caused by you lot. So we suggest that if you desire world peace, quit whining about it, talk amongst yourselves and stop bothering each other already. It all comes down to community. Good relationships cannot be created supernaturally as it would negate free will. Peace is the result of the softening of hearts and minds towards ones' neighbors, next door and overseas. You're all crammed together on that mud ball so you should try to get along.

Request No. 2: The Weather
Requests of this type usually follow the pattern of "Please don't let it rain today", "Please let it rain today" or "Please let school be closed on account of snow" and so on. As many of you know the Earth is filled with life. The world isn't just a static piece of art. No, no it is comprised of many active systems, the tectonic plates shift, volcanoes roar, an the weather patterns drift and change. These are all signs of a living, breathing world, a magnificent creation. If any of such systems stopped or had never existed, life could not and would not be supported. Rain needs to fall, volcanoes need to erupt, and snow will fall when necessary. It's no matter complaining. If humans could control the weather it would be sunny when it needed to rain, snowy when it needed to be clear and so on. God knows what is needed and he doesn't need your advice. If you find it rains too much in your current location, or you find that earthquakes occur rather often in another...MOVE! You were made adaptable and the world has many climates. We still don't understand why you lot flock to California when you know the ground is likely to buckle and heave. You must really like oranges.

Request No. 3: Sports
In every game there are winners and losers, whether it be checkers or the olympics. However before each game, almost unerringly, someone prays that God would grant them the victory. Humans get so wrapped up in the spirit of competition, they develop an underlying sense that "our" side is the "good guys" and the other side the "bad guys". This is very silly. Games are for fun and sometimes profit. There is no moral component involved, and the victor is determined by the player's own ability. Instead pray that you and your team train hard and grow in your abilities. Then you can be sure you are playing your best. To have God "cheat" by giving you victory is against his divine nature. Praying is not to be used for "doping"!

It should also be noted that fans will pray for the victory of their chosen individual or team. God will not change the outcome of a competition to keep you entertained. If you are unhappy about the outcome we suggest you take up another, noncompetitive hobby, like stamps. Or you could actually root for a winning team. Either way we suggest staying clear of the Philadelphia Eagles, they'll break your heart.

I hope that this clears up the matters discussed and will help you to be more productive in your prayers. And on a final note, please stop praying about winning the lottery. Random numbers are supposed to be random! And don't ask how randomness can exist if God is in control of everything, my carpal tunnel is acting up.

Sincerely,

Gabriel

But He WILL Bless Your Evian...

During these troubled times air travel has become a little more restrictive.  We have become so successful with instilling fear about terrorism that airline security has spawned a ever growing list of items that are "verboten" in one's luggage.  Items as innocuous as nail clippers and shampoo bottles have be scrutinized and confiscated all in the name of safety and piece of mind. However, a new item has been added to the list which will cause many a commuting nosferatu to rest in their cargo holds more securely.  The pope has requested that on an upcoming trip to Lourdes, the journalists that will accompany him are not to bring any of the shrine's holy water home with them (story here).

Now this hydrophobia is not sponsored so much in the name of safety, but of convenience. Passengers found with "liquid Lourdes" will be subject to more lengthy delays at the airport's security check points.  The pope apparently is not a patient pontiff.

We for many years have been pondering the question of "holy water", especially since the One Who Sits on the Right seems to prefer wine.  There are many instances of water being used for ceremonial purposes such as in Old Testament washing rituals that priests conducted while in the temple, and then of course baptism.  However in every case it doesn't seem that the water itself has any powers, but that the power rested in the actions performed with the water and in the Enemy Himself.  Even with the miracles involving food the food stuffs themselves weren't imbued with power.  The water changed to wine was just good wine and the bread and fishes, while more plentiful than before, didn't heal the sick or make blind men see.  Only the Enemy has such power.  And He is unfortunately far too eager to share it with those who come to Him, with humility and a repentant heart.

No matter.  For our R and D department has attacked this problem from the opposite end.  If it is possible to make "holy" water, therefore it must be possible to create "cursed" water.  Our research efforts have thus produced "Love Canal" and the Schuyllkill River in Philadelphia. Personally, I prefer to make one's subject forget water all together in favor of the "fire water" men produce.  

Bottom's Up,

Brackish

Saved My Soul with Rock N' Roll

We down here have had a long history with Rock and including Roll.  Rebellion with a healthy dose of hedonism are the rip currents that have swept many a soul through our gates, and many before their times.  As a mode of self expression, it isn't much use to us.  When the music is used as a tool by introspective people, the result can actually unite and comfort suffering souls by sharing common experiences.  Bleh!

It's the selfish, narcissistic,  hate filled, intemperate, lotus-eaters that bring in the business for us. They are the ones that tap into the youth's frustration of being under their parents and influence listeners to challenge the values handed down to them.  Either way, Rock is supposed to have an edge to it.  The music deals with raw emotions that can arise from unsatisfactory government policies (e.g. Vietnam) to basic out and out randiness (e.g. anything by Prince).

The inability to distinguish between the two is undoubtedly which gave rise to the angst-lite version the favorite video game Guitar Hero.  Now you too can rock "not too very hard" to  the music of Petra and the Newsboys (story here).  What no Carmen? We're still chuckling over "Devil, Bite the Dust."  Well, not when actually in the presence of Our Father Below.  Not that he could actually hear us with how he constantly blasts his Celene Dion records at all hours.

This IS Hell, after all.

Brackish

What Goes Up...

Being on two different sides of the great spiritual divide, the Enemy and we have different tactics for getting people to "check out" early. We tend to push people to thinking that life is a burden that they just can't bear any longer. They tend to make people realize that life is a precious gift that should only be layed down if in the process of helping others. But sometimes He intrudes on this game to take pieces out while they are still in play. Elijah, was taken to heaven in a chauffeur driven chariot, Enoch abruptly stepped out, and the Kid in the "less is more" fashion simply and elegantly rose to heaven in the clouds.

Be that as it may it seems that budget cuts are being made in the whole "Assumption Department", as an Italian priest has disappeared while flying on party balloons (story here). Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli lifted off from Paranagua, Brazil in an effort to raise (no pun intended) funds for a "spiritual rest-stop" he had hoped to establish. After eight hours the port authority lost contact with him and Rev. di Carli was reported missing. A search yielded a soggy mass of multicolored party favors...but no priest. It is assumed that since he was an experienced sky diver, and he was well equipped with food and safety gear, he may still be alive.

Ah, but where is he living now? Has he heaved heavenward on holy helium? Who knows. But I wouldn't be surprised if during the Rapture we spy believers shooting skyward while holding onto inflatable rubber simulacrums of Sponge Bob Squarepants. In which case I would caution them to beware of the flaming pea shooters of the enemy. Bwhhahaha!

Brackish

Needed: Three Day Waiting Period on Small Mammals

You're familiar with the ol' saw that video games inspire violence in those who grew up playing them? Funny, I swear that violence and torture existed way before the advent of the joystick. Anyway this next story might go towards proving the theory, that is if the game in question was "Sonic the Hedgehog".

In New Zealand 27 year old, William Singalargh, was arrested for assaulting another young man wiiiiith a herring! Oh, wait no it was a hedgehog (story here). This prickly projectile was flung several yards and hit a 15 year old boy in the leg causing a little bleeding. The hedgehog was found dead. His name is being withheld until his next of kin are notified. The little guy's family might find some solace in the fact that if Singalargh is convicted, he is facing 5 years in prison.

Hmm. I wonder if he hasn't got something there! Weaponized hedgehogs, could be the wave of the future! I see terrorists with bandoleers stuffed with the tiny mammals attacking innocent crowds of hemophiliacs. Hey, what if they were set on fire first? Beware the flaming hedgehogs of the enemy!

Excuse me while I draft a memo.

Brackish

I'd Rather Go with Over the Counter Albino

Greetings all! Sorry for the hiatus, but do to a major shake up (an actual 7.9 earthquake) in our department we've had to put things on hold to reorganize. During the restructuring, and I do mean restructuring as half of the building sank to a lower level of Hell in the process, I got a promotion! No longer am I just a Tempter Second Class. Now I'm a Tempter Second Class with a "Black Stain". After six more stains I get a full promotion. I am very excited and it can only mean bad things for Toby, my Mongolian Death Worm, and myself. Onward and downward!

So without further ado, here is an interesting bit of news concerning the cost of prescriptions. Everyone is complaining about prices going up. Basic necessities of life have become harder to afford as the American economy continues on it's topsy-turvy ride. Healthcare is much on everyone's mind as it is becoming increasingly difficult to get the proper insurance and medications one needs to stay healthy. However in the country of Tanzania, that price seems to have truly risen to an aspiring level. The cost of a prescription is a human life! (story here)

Witch Doctors have been filling their medicine chests, with the chests, arms, fingers, eyes, and various other bits and pieces of Albino men and women. Somehow I don't think THAT is regulated by the FDA! Albinos are supposed to bring luck and prosperity to those around them according to local superstitions. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case for themselves as they are finding their members locked up next to the Sudafed.

Here at AD555 we do have our own excellent health coverage through, "Inverted Cross and Black Shield". But that's because we can only get sick and not really die. With that ultimate consequence removed you'd be amazed how low malpractice insurance is!

'Til Later

Brackish