Intercepted Message from the Enemy

Greetings pets! Today is an unusual day as I did not write the meat of today's report. Apparently one of our agents found a misplaced PDA with a distinctive "double-winged" logo emblazoned on the back. On it we found what seemed to be the rough draft of a dispatch from the enemy camp. We reproduce it here in its entirety to remind our readers that they are constantly preparing their weapons for war so vigilance is key.

Daily report for September 2008

Gabriel Reporting

It has come to our notice that many of the saints share similar concerns, and said concerns are constantly being brought to the Father in prayer. While this is commendable as ALL concerns are to be dealt with by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, we have noticed that some of these requests are very repetitious and are taking time away from other concerns which may need to be focused on. So in the name of efficiency I will take it upon myself to answer one or two of said concerns to conserve the saints' precious time.

Request No. 1: World Peace
This one comes up alot. It is also a frequent goal of many a beauty contest winner. We started an investigation to uncover the parties responsible for this plague of war, and it seems that we have very little to do with it. It would seem that ALL of the wars and rumors of wars are caused by you lot. So we suggest that if you desire world peace, quit whining about it, talk amongst yourselves and stop bothering each other already. It all comes down to community. Good relationships cannot be created supernaturally as it would negate free will. Peace is the result of the softening of hearts and minds towards ones' neighbors, next door and overseas. You're all crammed together on that mud ball so you should try to get along.

Request No. 2: The Weather
Requests of this type usually follow the pattern of "Please don't let it rain today", "Please let it rain today" or "Please let school be closed on account of snow" and so on. As many of you know the Earth is filled with life. The world isn't just a static piece of art. No, no it is comprised of many active systems, the tectonic plates shift, volcanoes roar, an the weather patterns drift and change. These are all signs of a living, breathing world, a magnificent creation. If any of such systems stopped or had never existed, life could not and would not be supported. Rain needs to fall, volcanoes need to erupt, and snow will fall when necessary. It's no matter complaining. If humans could control the weather it would be sunny when it needed to rain, snowy when it needed to be clear and so on. God knows what is needed and he doesn't need your advice. If you find it rains too much in your current location, or you find that earthquakes occur rather often in another...MOVE! You were made adaptable and the world has many climates. We still don't understand why you lot flock to California when you know the ground is likely to buckle and heave. You must really like oranges.

Request No. 3: Sports
In every game there are winners and losers, whether it be checkers or the olympics. However before each game, almost unerringly, someone prays that God would grant them the victory. Humans get so wrapped up in the spirit of competition, they develop an underlying sense that "our" side is the "good guys" and the other side the "bad guys". This is very silly. Games are for fun and sometimes profit. There is no moral component involved, and the victor is determined by the player's own ability. Instead pray that you and your team train hard and grow in your abilities. Then you can be sure you are playing your best. To have God "cheat" by giving you victory is against his divine nature. Praying is not to be used for "doping"!

It should also be noted that fans will pray for the victory of their chosen individual or team. God will not change the outcome of a competition to keep you entertained. If you are unhappy about the outcome we suggest you take up another, noncompetitive hobby, like stamps. Or you could actually root for a winning team. Either way we suggest staying clear of the Philadelphia Eagles, they'll break your heart.

I hope that this clears up the matters discussed and will help you to be more productive in your prayers. And on a final note, please stop praying about winning the lottery. Random numbers are supposed to be random! And don't ask how randomness can exist if God is in control of everything, my carpal tunnel is acting up.

Sincerely,

Gabriel