Talk about a Conflict of Interest...

Many actor's in Hollywood have done projects they are not proud of. Just ask Jennifer Aniston who starred in one of the "Leprechaun" sequels. Sometimes they need the money, other times they just don't know any better.

Such it is with author's as well. When Stephen King wrote the 672 page "Insomnia", he didn't know that it would actually cure your insomnia. No movie offers were in the works so he wrote another novel in between brushing his teeth and making coffee.

Our Father Below tried his hand at ghost writing himself. And we are ashamed to admit, that it was...a bible (story here). We hadn't seen it for over 359 years. We searched on eBay hoping to find it before word of it got out, but to no avail. In September the Czech Republic began displaying, the "Codex Gigas" a.k.a. "The Devil's Bible" in the National Library.

Hey, souls were a little scarce that month over 800 years ago. Satan had a quota to fill, so when a Benedictine monk asked for help to write a bible he was already stuck between a rock and a hot place. When you get desperate you never know what you might end up doing. You might even write a blog.

Brackish

You Say Swastika, I Say...Swastika

As I've said before, I don't know much about fashion. But I know what I like. Apparently the Spanish fashion retailer Zara has been selling handbags decorated with dainty, little symbols of the Third Reich (see story). Sadly, no, this does not mean that black, red, and brown are finally coming back into style. The symbols themselves predate Hitler's Funtime Boys, by centuries. Swastikas are ancient Hindu and Buddhist symbols for strength and good luck, but a British shopper did not feel blessed to find them on her newly purchased accessory. She complained and Zara pulled the bags.

Oh well, that's the coming and going of a promising fad. I've never been more disappointed since when I found out "hoodies" didn't cover the whole head.

Brackish

From the Law Firm of Michael, Gabriel and Raphael

We earlier reported the efforts of one State Sen. Ernie Chambers to bring a lawsuit against God (see "But All of the Best Defense Lawyers Are in Hell"). This was his attempt to raise awareness concerning the filing of frivolous lawsuits in Nebraska. Well, we're not certain but apparently the ghost of Raymond Burr had a hand in making two court filings this week...on God's behalf! (see story).

In the filings God holds that He is "immune from earthly laws" and the earthly court system "lacks jurisdiction". They also hold that He isn't responsible for most human oppression and suffering siting "free will" which is His "greatest gift".

Drat that blasted "free will" defense. I doubt the courts will buy it though. Most of all suffering in the world is caused by people. War, famine, crime, oppression, the mismanagement of resources AFTER natural disasters all by people. However they usually want to blame anyone but themselves. It's either God or us...or the government. But then they blame the government when it rains. Rule of thumb if it rains frogs, it's usually the Other Guy.

Brackish

So a Virgin, a Saint and an Actress Walk into a Bar...

The Holy Mother has been a busy lady lately. First she "showed up" on a garage door in Minersville, PA and now she has a new canvas for her rather abstract style of manifestation. The Virgin Mary Lemon (sounds like a blues musician) was discovered in Wataua, Texas while a bartender was slicing lemons for his father's bar (story here). Marty Nance, saw the face earlier in the week but admits that the identity of the face seems to be in question. Some people apparently see either Mary, Saint Mother Theresa, or ...Nicole Kidman. Hell knows Nicole must have been a saint for sticking with Tom Cruise as long as she did, but I believe she is still alive. Though her career may be ailing because of "the Invasion".

Oh well, as long as people see smudges, stains, and reflections as true visitations of God, I might just be able to go home early someday.

Brackish

The Naked and the Bored.

What do you like to do when you're bored? Currently my time is rather filled with my work here at AD and trying to paper train my pet Mongolian Death Worm, Toby. I don't HAVE much free time any more. But in the past I would while away the hours reading a book, taking a walk, or teasing a damned soul with a cup of water. I can't say I'd ever considered robbing a convenience store whilst, and at the same time, naked. However that is what one enterprising Carbondale, PA man did to spend his time (see story). I don't see what all of the frackas was all about, he had a hat on! It was probably a Yankees hat.

Damn Yankees. :)

Brackish

But All of the Best Defense Lawyers are in Hell.

Tired of frivolous lawsuits, one Nebraskan senator is filing a lawsuit against God. With this State Senator Ernie Chambers hopes to promote legislation to limit the filing of certain types of lawsuits which clog up the system (story here).

This fellow truly has what we in hell like to call, "chutzpah". Ever since that one legal action the Jews pursued against "He Who Sits on the Right", we've been considering our own legal action as well. Over the years we've begun collecting our "dream team", headed by Johnny Cochrane and we have Judge Isaac Parker slated to preside over the trial. The charge you ask? We are considering Anti-Trust proceedings because of His total dominance and control over reality. How's a devil to get anything done, when we can only do what he allows us to do? Doesn't He care about OUR schedules?

No word if CourtTV will air the event.

Brackish

Time Lord of Lords

Consider your audience. That's what every good advertiser is told to do when pitching a deodorant, beer or new type of gum. Christians also find it beneficial, when trying to spread the Gospel, to relate to their hearer's interests and background. This is what one priest in Cardiff, UK is trying to do by having a Dr. Who theme night to attract the youth of his congregation (story here). The church, which appeared in an episode of the show, will be the site of a special sermon likening "He Who Sits on the Right" to the famous time traveler. The message will also include props, and perhaps a monster or two.

Sure I see it. "He Who Sits on the Right" is a master of time and space, he regenerated after he died, and he had a lot of companions following him around getting into trouble. I wonder if His tomb was larger on the inside?

You know this really annoys me. We spend so much time influencing writers, directors, and various other entertainment people to create media to distract people from God, and here a guy goes drawing them back again. Paul did this alot, relating the message to unknown Greek gods, and plays. Someone should have sued him for copyright infringement at least.

Feh. I always liked Blake's Seven better anyway.

Brackish

Happiness is a Warm Annelid

I'm lonely. And in the most crowded realm of the afterlife, that is quite a trick. Every night after I drive home and walk up the five flights of stairs to my apartment, I dread opening the door. The room with it's single bed and one bathroom seems deathly cold and empty to me. So I've decided to get a pet. After long hours searching the internet I think I've finally settled on a likely candidate...the Mongolian Death Worm (see here).

I mean first off what a splendidly imposing name, Mongolian Death Worm. I could put a sign on my door reading "Beware! Premises are guarded by a Mongolian Death Worm". That would keep the solicitors out (of course they're down here, where did you think they come from?). Apparently the only color they come in is red and they somewhat resemble a five foot length of cow intestine. Awwwww. I can just picture him flopping and wriggling across the floor to meet me as I come home.

Another wonderful thing about my new roommate is he spits a corrosive yellow fluid that can dissolve metal. That will save me money, because I won't have to buy acid for my coffee anymore. He can generate electricity, giving me a way to keep my air conditioning bills down as well. You won't believe how much power it takes just to get my apartment down to a comfortable 115 degrees.

I have been considering his welfare. I want to be a good parent, so I will have to buy him a sand box. He can burrow and sleep in his very own little patch of the Gobi Desert. You might ask if I'm afraid of having such a fearsome creature around? Well, not really. Being an immortal spirit there's not much he can do to me, and since I do live where the "worm does not die" I figure it's a win-win situation. This weekend I'm heading to the Gobi Desert. I can't wait to bring home a pet to enliven my dreary environs.

I think I'll call him Toby.

Brackish

God Never Sued "Father Ted"

To be sure I don't know who to be routing for in this one. In a dispute between God and lawyers, it's difficult for me to be on either side. But that is this case in this next story of copyright infringement. An evangelical publishing company was forced by lawyers representing two British comedy series to stop using their catchphrases on posters sold to outreach to youngsters (see story).

The phrases in question come from the series "Little Britain" and "Catherine Tate" and include such gems as, "Am I bovvered", "Yeah but no but yeah", and "I don't know". Underneath each phrase was a passage of scripture. Now usually I applaud any method of getting scripture off the streets, and when we find this bothersome Guideon fellow he'll get what's coming to him. But how do you copyright "I don't know" (Sorry, TM)? I mean I thought British comedians were better writers than that. Are they really so impoverished of good material, that they have to sue a Christian company to protect every scrap of dialogue they write?

Then there's the publisher. If they were using the posters to freely advertise their faith, I'd be infuriated. But they were SELLING these posters for profit. Now there's something admirable in that as well. Peddling God's Word and infringing on copyrights to boot. It's somewhat of a mixed curse, if you will.

So I sit at my keyboard confused. Who do I praise in this situation? Who deserves the recognition? I have no easy answer, so I'll do what I always do. I'll turn on the television and try to forget the whole situation.

I wonder if there are any good British comedies on?


Brackish

Forget the Bloody Apple

I heard some discouraging news today. It seems that drinking a Guinness a day can lower the risk of heart attacks (see story). I'm just ticked because that means the bloody Irish are going to live forever! Sheesh more overtime!

Brackish

"M" is for the Melee She Encouraged...

It's usually gut wrenching to me when parents get involved with their children's interests. But this mom in Victorville, CA wisely ditched the Dr. Spock, and took a page from Ma Barker (story here).

Apparently Sophia Elam was driving her son along with several adults to deal with a gang of boys who were bothering her son at school. Things really got out of hand though, when it was discovered that Sophia didn't bake enough rice krispy treats for everyone. At least they had on clean underwear.

Brackish

He Could Have Started a Football Team...

It is said that behind every great man there is a woman. Well, in case of one corrupt Chinese official, behind him are ELEVEN very cheesed-off ones (story here). Sigh, a life-time of graft and corruption, ended by one mistress too many. Well, ten too many, but you have to admire his drive. Never got into collecting myself. It usually requires alot of dusting. Yuck.

Graft and mistresses seem to go hand in hand in Communist China. One former Party chief, in fact, was recently executed for blowing up his mistress because of her money grubbing behavior. Apparently he didn't have teenagers.

The corruption in government runs so deeply, that top officials are afraid that it could lead to and end to the Party's rule. Well every good party must come to an end sooner or later. But then there's always the next one.

I'll bring the dip.

Brackish

The Power of Bertolli Compels You!

Ask any parent of teenaged girls and they'll tell you, they can be terrors. But for two parents in Edgewater, Florida, their daughter became a horror movie! Back in June the police got a 911 call from the home of Debra and Daniel Rogers. It was from the couple's daughter, Christina. Apparently the other daughter, Danielle, had gone berserk after the couple's attempt at an exorcism using olive oil had gone awry (story here). Alton Brown was not available to explain the spiritual efficacy of such an application.

But this dear friends is not the punchline. The kicker is the mother, Debra, is a CITY COUNCILWOMAN! Funny isn't it. When people want to avoid responsibility for their own actions they say, "the devil made me do it." But here when Danielle's parent's didn't want to deal with HER actions they said, "the devil is possessing you!" What more could you hope for, a government official given to magical thinking, who doesn't believe in personal responsibility. That's a two-fer.

Of course, we do from time to time put on the human meat suits, but it requires alot of paperwork and I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome! Anyway we tend to shy away from the splashy stuff. It brings us far too much attention. You see, when people acknowledge there are demons, they start thinking that God must also be real, and all that thinking can eventually lead them to find HIM. It happened when "The Exorcist" was in the movie theaters back in the seventies. Church pews were filled with people scared to the other side. Don't think this was just another light comedy, this was propaganda film!

We actually prefer a subtler approach, letting a subject's natural inclinations lead them in our direction. We can't tamper with free will so what we do is make sure the subject is NEVER fully aware of ALL of the choices before them. And believe you me, people don't need much help in choosing to do things our way. The method may not be as flamboyant as forcing a subject to projectile vomit pea soup, but we still get them in the end. Sometimes it's even cleaner.

Brackish

What Do They Do for Lost Luggage?

I miss animal sacrifices, the pagentry, the color. It wasn't that long ago the Jews did it all the time. That was until Someone made such measures obsolete by sacrficing Himself. Without the work He did believers might STILL be sacrficing animals this very day. Imagine them rushing off to church, trying to fit the kids in the car along with two goats, a steer, and a cage of doves.

It could be argued that His efforts not only began a new age of closeness to God, but also enabled Western Civilization to progress to the modern life all men enjoy. That is why it is refreshing to see a culture that still embraces the finer things of it's past. Case in point in Kathmandu, Nepal when officials were faced with a recalcitrant airplane in their state run airline, they performed an animal sacrifice to appease their sky god (story here). I am hoping that a mechanic was employed at some point, or else I will do my best to avoid flying the Hindi skies. I hope they repair all of their hardware this way. I can't help but imagine a Hindi Maytag repairman with his office crowed with livestock, or a Microsoft help-line rep. saying, "Please hold while I stab a buffalo...now reboot".

I wish that worked. Around here the only thing "Our Father Below" gives us when we kill something is a coupon to Quiznos, and we have to bring our own meat. Well, excuse me, I have to get ready for lunch. Now where did I put that orangutan?

Brackish

Torah and Order

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."

dun dun


It always makes for great drama when a person who is wrongly accused of a crime, finally has their name cleared by the legal system that condemned them. However when the criminal in question is the Son of God, the story becomes somewhat anti-climatic. A Kenyan religious group called the "Friends of Jesus" is attempting to set the legal history straight concerning "He Who Sits on the Right", claiming that he was railroaded by Pontias Pilate and the Roman legal system (story here). Pardon me for being inarticulate but...DUH! I'm about as sick of this as I was the O.J. trial. Of course He was railroaded, there was no record of Him committing blasphemy or doing anything wrong. Anyway how can you commit blasphemy if you ARE God? Our one victory and they want to take it away from us. After His execution, he conquered death and atoned for the sins of all mankind. That kinda stole the sweetness from us.

What they hope to accomplish, I'm not sure. I don't think He was having trouble getting jobs or buying a new house. Maybe they want to horn in on the book deal.

Brackish

That's a Dollar Per Flea...

My uncle once said, "This life promises much, but keeps it all". That's very true, once you cross over you either inherit your riches in heaven or your poverty in hell. And you don't know just how threadbare things are unless you've worked here in A.D. I've got to bring in my own paper clips EVERY DAY!

The best you can hope to do is make sure others benefit from the legacy you leave behind...or you can use it to make one last dig. The famous Leona Helmsley did just that (story here). She died and left twelve million dollars to, wait for it...her DOG! This "neuvo-bitch" is in care of her brother who only was left ten million. Two grandchildren were cut out completely "for reasons which are known to them".

Bang up job Leona! I will have to take her out to lunch to congratulate her on such an inspired finishing stroke to her life. However, she'll be paying.

Brackish

But Where Did They Find Sand in Maine?

Just wanted to offer kudos to two young men doing their part for the cause. They say a man's home is his castle. Well, the builder of this sand castle in Maine is probably mad enough to want to move in to keep watch (see story). The sculpture in question was built to raise money for a charity dealing with terminally ill children. Our two bright stars were video taped after midnight, kicking down parts of the castle. I can't wait to see more of their work. Maybe next time they'll skip the middle man and kick the children directly.

Brackish