Currency and Rice

The State Bank of India has reported the unprecidented theft of over ten million rupees which is roughly equal to about $214,000.  They do have a list of suspects, but they are numerous and devilishly hard to catch.

They are termites (story here).

Apparently the bank officials originally tried to keep this quiet, but the new manager kept hearing tiny "burps" followed by tiny "excuse me's" and couldn't ignore the problem.  Upon inspecting the currency chests all they found was colorful dust. 

All I can say is I hope they pay the Orkin man with a credit card.

-- Brackish

Birth of a Scratchman!

Oh Blood!  Oh Thunder!  It CAN'T be that time of year again!  How could I have forgotten His Infernal Majesty's birthday!  Cake!  I must bake a cake!  Wait, maybe I can get that Buddy guy from Jersey.  Perhaps if I can apply my darkest powers of persuasion,  I can commission him to bake an extreme cake with a Muppet theme.  What?  I don't judge, I just torment.

By all the tolling bells in Hell, I haven't even bought a gift!  What do you buy the Prince of Darkness who hates everything?  I'm thinking a VISA gift card.  Toby, be a good death worm and please don't get under hoof!  Daddy has too much to do, no time to do it and ALL of eternity to suffer for screwing up! Wait, what are you doing?  What is that you're punching up on the Die-Pad?  Ohhhhhhhhh.  Thank Darkness!  It's not the Lord Below's birthday it's the 100th anniversary of Devil Lake in Wisconsin (story here).  What a relief!  There was NO WAY I was going to be able to book a table at Olive Garden this late in the day.

I should really put the Prince's birthday in my calendar.  Every Halloween I get the date mixed up with his TRUE birthday and make a fool of myself.  Oh well, thank you Toby for saving me from myself yet again.

But that reminds me.  When is Mother's Day?

-- Brackish

Baby, He Was Born This Way!

We love politics.  It is said that the Beast rising up out of the sea is the Antichrist emerging from the world of politics.  I am not allowed to divulge the veracity of this as the many interpretations of the Ememy's final book can make many a well meaning hairless ape present a laughable witness unto the world.  And anyway who doesn't hate SPOILERS?

President Obama has had many firsts during his first term.  He is the first African American president, he was the first president to hose a Passover Seder dinner at the White House and he was the first sitting president to appear on The Daily Show.  He also is the first American president to be accused that he wasn't born in America.  We find this hysterical considering the facts that he was born and lived in Hawaii are so blatantly obvious (snopes here).

Actually the rumor that gets us the most riled isn't based on a first at all.  We're more insulted that Obama is also a candidate for the aforementioned Antichrist.  I mean the Man of Lawlessness is supposed to unite the world against Christians! All I see him inspiring is division and bipartisanship.  Look how hard he had to struggle to get healthcare reform passed.  The true AC would have been able to do it in one afternoon and still had time to blaspheme the Enemy a few times before lunch. And in the case of foreign policy his critics, if anything, accuse him of being too timid.  Not quite the "Hell's Local Hero" one would expect if he was the AC.

Which is why we at least appreciate that he tried his best to dispell both the rumor of his birth and "affiliation" as he began his stumping for reelection this week (story here).  There is no way this button down, gadget-loving intellectual type could be the AC.  Oprah vouched for him for Lucifer's sake!

Now you may well ask WHO the horned-one will be.  And I am sorry to disappoint but all I can offer are half-truths and bald-faced lies.  All I can say is you better make sure you download that "Friday" song.  It might well become you're next national anthem.

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take? 

-- Brackish

"Only Driven to Temple by a Rabbi on Saturdays?"

Is there a difference between thought and action? Just because a hairless monkey thinks of an action, it doesn't mean that he'll actually commit it. On the other side, the Enemy does stress the importance of the intention of the heart over action.

Fine, but how does this apply to one's Prius?

Rabbi Dror Fixler, an electro-optics expert from Bar-Ilan University in Ramat Gan, Israel, may have an answer for that. He believes that mind controlled cars would allow Jews to drive on the Sabbath (story here).

My question is what if a person's mind was transplanted into a huge robot body? Would he be allowed to do EVERYTHING on the Sabbath?  Who knew that new worlds of sin would be opened up by Robocop!  Then you'd have Jewish denominations separated into Orthodox, Non-Orthodox and Aluminum.




Dead or Alive, you're coming with me

-- Brackish

May You Be in Heaven Three Days Before Your Fellow Traveller Knows You're Dead

It has been said that Dr. Joseph Bell, the inspiration for Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, could diagnose a patient's illness by merely looking at him. I myself have no such keen powers of observation. However I do believe I could tell when a person has been dead for three days.

Not so for Jerry Maestas of New Mexico. Who wisely never got into medicine, but does like to drink and drive. Apparently Jerry and his friend, Amy Marquez, went on a road trip together following an all day bender. After three days, despite the smell and despite the flies, Jerry only first considered consulting a physician when Amy's back began turning blue (story here).

Meh, I've heard the oft used illustration concerning how a person lost in sin is like a frog being cooked to death in a pot water that is slowly being heated. They are both oblivious to their fate. However in this case I think we might as well let the Enemy have this soul, as I don't even think upon dying that he'd realize that he was in Hell.  We'd be dipping his nether regions in hot magma while threading his sinuses with barbed wire and he'd be nonchalantly asking when "Idol" would be on.

Which, incidentally, is MY version of Hell.

Ooh, ooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you.

-- Brackish

Would a CHiP by Any Other Name Still Smell as Dulce?

A drunk Eric Estrada was arrested by the California Highway Patrol on Thursday. And while the irony is delicious I'm afraid that I must disappoint and confess that the Eric in question was not the famous actor who played Frank Poncherello on TV. Sadly the drunk driver was just another hairless monkey who shares the same name and has nothing else in common with the other Estrada (story here).

Hell, this Eric Estrada is even getting more press these days.

Let the CHiPs fall where they may,

Brackish

Urine the Money...

In this new "green" age conservation is all important. In the interest of saving water many a human might be tempted to allow the "yellow to mellow", as it were. Well, for a pair of Swedish bank robbers, the practice of leaving their No. 1 behind, has landed them in deep No. 2 (story here)!

The two thieves attempted to rob a bank in Copenhagen, Denmark by hiding in it's vault overnight. In between ghost stories and doing each other's hair they relieved themselves in plastic bottles. Come morning when the employees opened the vault the robbers fled the scene with empty bladders and packs full of loot. However, they neglected to bring their leavings with them. DNA taken from the...um..."evidence" left behind led to the arrest of one of the bandits. The second criminal and the loot have yet to be recovered.

Here's hoping he keeps his nose, and his HANDS clean.

- Back in Black. Your's truly,
Brackish