Hunt the Krampus

Nothing bothers me more than a brown-noser. Sure we have our share of obsequious maggots here in Hell. Pain tends to make one rather compliant. However on the earthly plane there is a particularly nauseating tradition in the Alpine regions which stokes an inferno in my gullet. I refer to the character of "the Krampus". In many European cultures Santa Claus, St. Nick, or Father Christmas depending on whatever alias applies, sometimes has helpers other than elves that follow him around during the season. In Austria, a tradition left over from pagan times holds that St. Nicholas in his triumph over evil was able to subjugate a demon to do his bidding. This hairy, long tongued demon known as the Krampus carries a switch and wears chains as a sign of his servitude. While St. Nick gives gifts to the good, the Krampus beats the stuffing out of those who have been naughty and crams them into his sack. His big day is December 5th, the day before the fat man shows up, known as St. Nicholas Eve or Krampus Day. People dress as the Krampus and wander around the village square terrorizing children and dodging their snowballs. How humiliating!

In Southern Austria this initial ritual has expanded to a full week-end extravaganza! The Krampusfest (Kränchen) begins on the Saturday after St. Nicholas Eve. This is more of an adult event as the focus is actually on BEING naughty. Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed and later expressed by rather unnatural but sadly inevitable means.

In the Netherlands this story evolved into the tradition of "Black Peter" (Zwarte Piet), a black Moor in colorful pantaloons, feathered cap, and Renaissance costume. His role is the same as the Krampus, but since Peter is supposedly a foreign "devil" from Spain, he spirits naughty children back to his homeland in a sack that he carries. Odd, I thought most people thought New Jersey was hell. For obvious reasons the more modern version of the story has Black Peter gaining his coloration from chimney soot rather than heritage. Jessie Jackson stands unconvinced.

Now the theme of righteous men having control over infernal powers is nothing new to myth and legend. According to Jewish folklore King Solomon had a ring which gave him power over demons. It was said that it was this spiritual labor force that helped build his temple. Bet Hollywood could use THAT during the writer's strike! Of course neither architecture nor following a dotty old gift giver truly appeal to me this holiday season. I'm just going to do what I do every Christmas Eve...steal parking spaces away from last minute shoppers! Bwahaahahahahahha!

Brackish

P.S. A list of other "Tim Burtonesque" companions can be found here.

Push Button Larceny

We live in an age where technology contributes to make even the most mundane tasks of life effortless to accomplish. People can change channels on the television without lifting their expanding bums off the sofa or they can shop online without ever stepping into a store. Crime too has been affected by this extreme focus on convenience. A woman in South Carolina attempted to rob a bank WITHOUT LEAVING THE CAR (story here)! Barbara Joyner of Callahan, Fla drove up to the South Carolina Bank & Trust drive through and slipped a note into the tube demanding money from the teller. Unmoved, the teller notified police while Barbara waited for her withdrawal. Sadly Ms. Joyner's choice of banks was also convenient...for the police. She was only up the block from the police station, so when they were notified they only had to chase her through the parking lots of two stores before apprehending her.

This is the backlash of our propaganda, I'm afraid. In our push to emphasize the "quick fix" over hard work to provide one's needs, even the quality of sin suffers. True we benefit regardless of HOW the deed is done, but where is the pride in a job well done? It's a great way to bump up one's quota for the week to be sure but these "wins" look rather paltry on the resumé. So I propose we back off on sloth and impatience and emphasize pride in the New Year. In this way we can obtain both quality and quantity in our "collars". With any luck our subjects will be clever enough to become repeat business for us by not getting caught. I'm feeling that '08 will be the year of the crime spree, I mean apart from Microsoft.

Brackish