Planer and Simple

As a supporter of ignorance and everything dark.  I have to herald a new addition to the Library of Congress.  It is a map that is 120 years old and promotes the theory that the world is FLAT (click here).  If you do the math you will find that this is almost 400 years after that crazy ape named Columbus got lost and discovered that the Earth is round.  That such a "retro" piece of cartography is being added to the Library of Congress can mean only one thing.  Sarah Palin is going to run for president.

Oh yes, there will be dumb.

-- Brackish

Currency and Rice

The State Bank of India has reported the unprecidented theft of over ten million rupees which is roughly equal to about $214,000.  They do have a list of suspects, but they are numerous and devilishly hard to catch.

They are termites (story here).

Apparently the bank officials originally tried to keep this quiet, but the new manager kept hearing tiny "burps" followed by tiny "excuse me's" and couldn't ignore the problem.  Upon inspecting the currency chests all they found was colorful dust. 

All I can say is I hope they pay the Orkin man with a credit card.

-- Brackish

Birth of a Scratchman!

Oh Blood!  Oh Thunder!  It CAN'T be that time of year again!  How could I have forgotten His Infernal Majesty's birthday!  Cake!  I must bake a cake!  Wait, maybe I can get that Buddy guy from Jersey.  Perhaps if I can apply my darkest powers of persuasion,  I can commission him to bake an extreme cake with a Muppet theme.  What?  I don't judge, I just torment.

By all the tolling bells in Hell, I haven't even bought a gift!  What do you buy the Prince of Darkness who hates everything?  I'm thinking a VISA gift card.  Toby, be a good death worm and please don't get under hoof!  Daddy has too much to do, no time to do it and ALL of eternity to suffer for screwing up! Wait, what are you doing?  What is that you're punching up on the Die-Pad?  Ohhhhhhhhh.  Thank Darkness!  It's not the Lord Below's birthday it's the 100th anniversary of Devil Lake in Wisconsin (story here).  What a relief!  There was NO WAY I was going to be able to book a table at Olive Garden this late in the day.

I should really put the Prince's birthday in my calendar.  Every Halloween I get the date mixed up with his TRUE birthday and make a fool of myself.  Oh well, thank you Toby for saving me from myself yet again.

But that reminds me.  When is Mother's Day?

-- Brackish

Baby, He Was Born This Way!

We love politics.  It is said that the Beast rising up out of the sea is the Antichrist emerging from the world of politics.  I am not allowed to divulge the veracity of this as the many interpretations of the Ememy's final book can make many a well meaning hairless ape present a laughable witness unto the world.  And anyway who doesn't hate SPOILERS?

President Obama has had many firsts during his first term.  He is the first African American president, he was the first president to hose a Passover Seder dinner at the White House and he was the first sitting president to appear on The Daily Show.  He also is the first American president to be accused that he wasn't born in America.  We find this hysterical considering the facts that he was born and lived in Hawaii are so blatantly obvious (snopes here).

Actually the rumor that gets us the most riled isn't based on a first at all.  We're more insulted that Obama is also a candidate for the aforementioned Antichrist.  I mean the Man of Lawlessness is supposed to unite the world against Christians! All I see him inspiring is division and bipartisanship.  Look how hard he had to struggle to get healthcare reform passed.  The true AC would have been able to do it in one afternoon and still had time to blaspheme the Enemy a few times before lunch. And in the case of foreign policy his critics, if anything, accuse him of being too timid.  Not quite the "Hell's Local Hero" one would expect if he was the AC.

Which is why we at least appreciate that he tried his best to dispell both the rumor of his birth and "affiliation" as he began his stumping for reelection this week (story here).  There is no way this button down, gadget-loving intellectual type could be the AC.  Oprah vouched for him for Lucifer's sake!

Now you may well ask WHO the horned-one will be.  And I am sorry to disappoint but all I can offer are half-truths and bald-faced lies.  All I can say is you better make sure you download that "Friday" song.  It might well become you're next national anthem.

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take? 

-- Brackish

"Only Driven to Temple by a Rabbi on Saturdays?"

Is there a difference between thought and action? Just because a hairless monkey thinks of an action, it doesn't mean that he'll actually commit it. On the other side, the Enemy does stress the importance of the intention of the heart over action.

Fine, but how does this apply to one's Prius?

Rabbi Dror Fixler, an electro-optics expert from Bar-Ilan University in Ramat Gan, Israel, may have an answer for that. He believes that mind controlled cars would allow Jews to drive on the Sabbath (story here).

My question is what if a person's mind was transplanted into a huge robot body? Would he be allowed to do EVERYTHING on the Sabbath?  Who knew that new worlds of sin would be opened up by Robocop!  Then you'd have Jewish denominations separated into Orthodox, Non-Orthodox and Aluminum.




Dead or Alive, you're coming with me

-- Brackish

May You Be in Heaven Three Days Before Your Fellow Traveller Knows You're Dead

It has been said that Dr. Joseph Bell, the inspiration for Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, could diagnose a patient's illness by merely looking at him. I myself have no such keen powers of observation. However I do believe I could tell when a person has been dead for three days.

Not so for Jerry Maestas of New Mexico. Who wisely never got into medicine, but does like to drink and drive. Apparently Jerry and his friend, Amy Marquez, went on a road trip together following an all day bender. After three days, despite the smell and despite the flies, Jerry only first considered consulting a physician when Amy's back began turning blue (story here).

Meh, I've heard the oft used illustration concerning how a person lost in sin is like a frog being cooked to death in a pot water that is slowly being heated. They are both oblivious to their fate. However in this case I think we might as well let the Enemy have this soul, as I don't even think upon dying that he'd realize that he was in Hell.  We'd be dipping his nether regions in hot magma while threading his sinuses with barbed wire and he'd be nonchalantly asking when "Idol" would be on.

Which, incidentally, is MY version of Hell.

Ooh, ooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you.

-- Brackish

Would a CHiP by Any Other Name Still Smell as Dulce?

A drunk Eric Estrada was arrested by the California Highway Patrol on Thursday. And while the irony is delicious I'm afraid that I must disappoint and confess that the Eric in question was not the famous actor who played Frank Poncherello on TV. Sadly the drunk driver was just another hairless monkey who shares the same name and has nothing else in common with the other Estrada (story here).

Hell, this Eric Estrada is even getting more press these days.

Let the CHiPs fall where they may,

Brackish

Urine the Money...

In this new "green" age conservation is all important. In the interest of saving water many a human might be tempted to allow the "yellow to mellow", as it were. Well, for a pair of Swedish bank robbers, the practice of leaving their No. 1 behind, has landed them in deep No. 2 (story here)!

The two thieves attempted to rob a bank in Copenhagen, Denmark by hiding in it's vault overnight. In between ghost stories and doing each other's hair they relieved themselves in plastic bottles. Come morning when the employees opened the vault the robbers fled the scene with empty bladders and packs full of loot. However, they neglected to bring their leavings with them. DNA taken from the...um..."evidence" left behind led to the arrest of one of the bandits. The second criminal and the loot have yet to be recovered.

Here's hoping he keeps his nose, and his HANDS clean.

- Back in Black. Your's truly,
Brackish

Double-Barrelled Blessings

The Enemy is cunning indeed. While we have been doing our work to corrupt neutral technologies to spread our sundry temptations (e.g. T.V., the Internet, Xbox) THEY have been working on weapons of Mass Salvation. Apparently there are competing rapid-fire, germ-free communion wafer dispensers in development. So heated is this burgeoning field in the wake of Swine Flu and other pandemic paranoias, there are patent infringement lawsuits flying among the developers (story here).

Nu-Life Products of Minnesota has upped the ante in THE WAR by developing technology known as the “rapid reload system” for fast wafer loading and the “quad-rotator technology” allowing up to 400 wafers to be dispensed without refilling. Former company president of Nu-Life went off to form his own Sacrament Shooter company, hence the lawsuit.

I shudder to imagine these things deployed in the field. Thirteen of such devices could easily be used to give communion in a "5,000 came to believe" worst-case scenario. And in case of a real miracle you wouldn't even need to refill them! I have images of believers strafing above the heads of demons trying to crawl through the mud, like in WWII. Oh the de-humanity!

Well, no matter. We shall press on with our distractions and our temptations. The most difficult enemy to conquer is the one within oneself! As long as we can convince those who have yet to come to The Kid that it is an impossible task, we shall prevail.

Now back to working on the Jonas Brothers,

-- Brackish

Probably Needs the Money for all he Helium Balloons...

It has been said that you are only as old as you feel. I myself on most mornings feel like a sprightly 500 year old. That is, of course, except for Mondays when I feel positively eldritch!

Admiration abounds for an senior sinner who hasn't let the snow on his pate lessen his ambitions. The FBI is currently hunting a bank robber who is seventy years old and uses an oxygen tank. Dubbed the "Geezer Bandit", this droopy Dillinger has robbed FIVE banks in the last three months (story here)! Each time he is armed and escapes on foot. I repeat he ESCAPES ON FOOT, and NOBODY has caught him! Just how old are the FBI agents I wonder?

Young at heart, but the back aches...
- Brackish

Season of Spin (repost from Oct. 08)

Ah, it is again that time of year when powerful opponents with many followers attempt to influence the public by telling falsehoods against the other. No I'm not referring to the current political contest in the States, but I'm referring to Halloween.

Halloween, which is the Christian name for Samhain an old Celtic holiday, has long since been a boogie-man to many a pulpit percher. This year the 700 Club published their annual propaganda against the holiday (story here).

Now while we encourage ANY faith or practice that distracts from the Other Side, the celebration of Halloween is NOTHING compared to the campaign AGAINST it that comes every year. What a great way to win converts by telling candy collecting children and other fun loving celebrants that they are going to Hell. Handing out tracts and shouting out judgements actually pushes people further in our direction than if one reaches out in love and concern.

But are any of their arguments true? Is Halloween Satan's Christmas? Do modern Wiccans still hold evil rituals during this time of year? Well to tell the truth Halloween is rather a "meh" holiday around here. But that doesn't prevent the 700 Club from putting their spin on it. Let me do a "factcheck.org" by dispelling a few points against their campaign:

• Samhain, while truly the original name of the ancient Celtic festival, is NOT the name of their "Lord of the Dead". There was NO "Lord of the Dead". There is a "Lord of the Dance", and Michael Flatley scares the maggots out of me! Actually Samhain was the time of year, the time when the growing time ended and the long winter was to begin.

• The Celts did NOT sacrifice people for religious purposes at this time. There is only a single record of this and this was written by Julius Caeser. It was wartime propaganda.

• This wasn't a time to worship demons, but a hopeful time to honor long past relatives and to get messages of hope for the future.

• Costumes and "Trick-or-Treating" are actually from a later period and have much more to do with the Christian influences on the holiday.

• Halloween actually the Christian name which is short for "All Hallows Eve". November 1 is All Saints Day, a Church holiday to honor the saints and to give converted Celts a holiday to "replace" Samhain.

• His Lord Below had very little to do with the holiday other than promoting it as a distraction. It was just another "Also Ran" like other faiths. No more, no less.

• Wiccans typically celebrate Samhain on a date NEAR October 31. They don't want to be bothered by the many "Trick-or-Treaters" who are out on Halloween.

For more information, from an unbiased source, I direct you to the Library of Congress's website HERE. And for more info about Wicca I humbly submit this from Religious Tolerance.org HERE.

But maybe our best tactic here shouldn't be to dispel the rumors and falsehoods directed against us. Perhaps we should "turn the other cheek" as it were. For as long as people are fighting against this harmless bastardization of a now defunct belief system they aren't spreading the true and more dangerous message of the good news of the Nazarine. They aren't focusing on the real ills of the world and worrying about establishing good relationships with hurting and lost people. Their bad witness might win more converts for us than the mess Christmas has become.

Hmmm. Well, I could do with a rest. I've been up late nursing Toby, my Mongolian death worm through a bout of IBS. That's hell on a worm, they are ALL intestine!

- Happy Halloween,

Brackish

Dropping Trou for the Lord

Human men wearing women's clothing has both been considered a staple of classic comedy and a spring-board for unnatural depravity. It has never been considered a way to bring one closer to one's creator...until now. An island in Fiji has banned the wearing of pants on Sunday as a way to mark the Sabbath and keep it holy (story here). Instead men are to wear the traditional island sarong called a sulu. Which I find ironic because Mr. Sulu has been known to wear women's underwear for sometime now, I understand.

The Methodist Church on the island of Bua has ordered congregants to refrain from work on Sunday or from using motorized transportation. Emergency services are, of course, exempt from this restriction. Pity, because I would have loved to have seen paramedics running on foot to the scene of an accident with their skirts flapping in the breeze.

Not that there's anything sarong with that...

- Brackish

Wouldn't He Be More Interested in Kitty Porn?

We've all heard the old saw "the Devil made me do it". Well, how about, "Fluffy made me do it"? Recently a Florida man blamed the presence of thousands of child porn materials found on his computer, ON HIS CAT! (story here). Mr. Griffin's cat apparently refused to comment.

Now I've always found the shifting of blame on His Infernal Majesty rather innaccurate and insulting. For one, the Master Below, is too busy to handle EVERYONE on earth. Unlike the Enemy, the Master isn't omnipresent. He has to commute and his travel expenses are rather impressive. Secondly, what is the fun in MAKING a human DO anything? That would negate free will and therefore sin. Remember our ultimate goal is the damnation of all hairless monkeys. If we possesses them to do evil, it isn't THEM doing the evil and then they are not responsible. It is FAR better for our purposes to use each human's natural inclinations against them. They do most of the work, we just have to make sure that the human is aware of the "alternate choice". "Alternate" meaning the one we would prefer. Also on an unrelated note, possession is rather "showy", we do our best work in the dark.

But to blame one's own proclivities on the CAT. Well, that's priceless! My own pet death worm, Toby, is nowhere near as technically savvy as that feline must be. Sadly even if the cat was responsible it would be a meaningless victory for us as we know that cats don't have souls. :)

Remember dogs and cats are animals,
death worms are people!

- Brackish

Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to Alley Oop what is Alley Oop's

Do you know what killed the dinosaurs? Apparently it was TAX EVASION! File this under, "It's not what you teach but how you live". Kent Hovind, who started a creationist theme park in Pensacola, FL is now serving ten years in federal prison for failing to pay his taxes (story here).

He tussled with scientists as well as the IRS saying he and his employees were "employed by God" and therefore not subject to payroll taxes. That would have been news to Jesus who paid the temple tax as illustrated in the scriptures. But then the Kid never consulted H and R Block.

Hovind's "Jurasic Park" will be seized by the government, but there will be no federal agent with a flaming sword stationed outside. Those who believe the world is under 6,000 can continue to be misinformed via the tubes of the internet (drdino.com).

- Brackish

Absolut Nonsense

It is known by many names: booze, hootch, grog, spirits and my favorite demon rum. This normal product of decaying natural sugars has both enhanced and plagued the house of man for centuries. The Kid Himself used it as a powerful symbol of the blood He shed for sins while knowing the sins that over-imbibing can cause. The apostle Paul once gave medical advice to his friend Timothy, saying that he should avoid a sour stomach by taking a little wine with his water. And knowing that Evian was centuries away yet, who could blame him?

Americans tried to ban it in the 1920's creating a bigger problem than before, by giving organized crime a sure-sale product to fund their organization. Well, the next battleground for good ol' C₂H₅OH isn't about what passes over man's lips, but what he slathers on his hands. (story here)

Some Muslim healthcare workers in Britain are refusing to use alcohol based hand gels to fight the spread of swine flu, on the basis that it is against their faith to even touch the "hard" stuff. And getting seriously ill from an "unclean" pig disease is a better alternative? Silly humans, it's not like the workers are throwing "keggers" with the stuff.

Muslim leaders actually criticize the legalistic move, but encourage people to "accommodate their beliefs". Pity. As long as they don't realize it isn't what you put in the body, it's what comes out of one's heart that counts. Keeping believers dancing to this tune is how we can make bombing innocent people acceptable, while ditching the Purel.

Giving a VERY warm toast,

- Brackish

"Let's Make a Convert!" with Wink Martindale

In the Enemy's Big Storybook, He compares the "Kingdom of God" as a pearl of great price buried in field. Once found a man sold all he had to purchase the field. Put that man on camera and have him compete with nine other men and you have a game show soon to air in Turkey (story here).

TV station "Kanal T" is planning a show in which four religious guides attempt to covert a group of ten athiests. The "winner" will receive eternal salvation/enlightenment and a trip to the holy site of the respective faith they accept. No word if Richard Dawkins will be competing.

This version of "Spiritual Jeopardy" is to include guides from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist and Islamic faiths. It is not without it's controversy, however. Although Turkey is largely secular the Religious Affairs Directorate feels the show is disrespectful to all religions and is refusing to provide an imam for the show. They fear that the show trivializes spiritual beliefs and cheapens religion. Funny, I thought that was what "The 700 Club" did.

...and now a vision from our sponsors...

- Brackish

Neo-Nazis Keeping the Highway Kosher for You

Unable to make any serious in-roads to political power, a Missouri-based Neo-Nazi group actually adopted one last year. The state wasn't able to block the civic minded racists from joining the Adopt-a-Highway program, and so the purge began...on litter. The Springfield chapter of the National Socialist Movement happily applied their White Power to the Black top but the state had the last laugh. This year Missouri added an amendment to a state transportation bill which will rename the bigoted byway the "Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel highway"! (story here)

Rabbi Heschel narrowly escaped the Nazi's former attempts of "cleanup" in WWII, and later marched with Martin Luther King Jr. Heschel's daughter is none too thrilled and neither are the Nazis who call this "a lame attempt to insult National Socialist pro-environment/green policies."
Insert "color" related joke here.

As a demon, I know too well that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And I applaud the attempts of the Nazis to spew hate while clearing debris but I must confess I love kicking someone in the asphalt when they are down.

I wonder if it's possible to put a mosque off of that highway. Hmmm.

-Brackish

Bluetooth Meets Jew-Tooth

Thousands of years after the Law of Moses was given unto man, man keeps adding onto it.
As if the Ten Pushy Orders and the whole of Leviticus wasn't onerous enough! Sheesh. What is WRONG with "Do what thou wilt"? I ask you? The One Below doesn't ask for much, just live for yourself, that's all. If other people get hurt, they can always take revenge. But I digress...

It would seem the latest wrinkle added by the ultra-orthodox Jews in Israel is that it is all right to turn on your cell phones on the Sabbath day, as long as you use your TEETH (story here)! How delightful another burden lifted by adding a subsequent burden! This was to solve a problem faced by orthodox emergency workers who were forced to use cellphones instead of beepers.

Reminds me of the Pharasees of Jesus' day. Grand ol' party poopers they were. Instead of just teaching the people to follow His law, they added a whole bunch of other stuff on top of it so no on would even come CLOSE to committing a sin! In 3rd century AD these interpretations were written down into the Mishnah, which in English would be a book of about 800 pages. These interpretations were then...interpreted and then more "whisper down the lane" volumes followed. These are the Talmud. Fun reading, those. The Command about not working on the Sabbath day was scrutinized to the point they had to define what "work" meant. They figured that you were allowed to carry a burden as long as it didn't exceed the weight of a dried fig and so on. Petty rules and endless regulations became the focus instead of the actual state of their souls. Thus any joy and meaning was squeezed out of life. I loved those guys.

The Kid saw through this distraction and violated the silliness whenever He could. Preaching Grace and Forgiveness of sins through believing and relying on Him. With Him it wasn't the things you did, but what you believed that united you with the Creator. Sounds like cheating to me.

Anyhoo we still have the orthodox Jews to keep running in their hamster wheels. As the world keeps moving forward, the weight will get heavier and heavier. They even have an organization dedicated to adding MORE legalistic rules when dealing with modern science and technology www.scienceandhalacha.org. I wonder how many chapters are dedicated to the Xbox?

Despite what most American Christians think though, the Jews are still His chosen people. And He alone knows His plans for them. Until then weapons of mass distraction are key, lest they should realize that life is more than rules and the Kid is getting ready for His second world tour.

- Brackish

The Magic of Sigfried and Rael

In the ancient world temples were the Las Vegas of their day. Priests in the Greek and Egyptian religions used a wide range of theatrical tricks and feats of engineering in order to amaze their followers and get those butts in the seats. How fitting is it then that a religious group wants to create their own Las Vegas attraction? (story here)

One of my favorite groups of delusional lumps of clay are the Raelians. They accept the concept of Intelligent Design but they believe the designers to be other mortals on a different planet. No word on who supposedly created the creators.

In order to spread the good word about promiscuous sex and cloned eternal life, they want to create their own "Mecca" to be called "UFOland"! It will have a 1000 seat theater for their leader Rael (former French sports-car journalist and test driver named Claude Vorilhon) to give lectures on how bad science fiction is a valid way of life.

L. Ron Hubbard is kicking himself right now. I mean really. He's with us.

- Brackish

Truth in Advertising

There actually IS a benefit to telling the truth, at least you don't have to worry about keeping your story straight. And believe it or not a man in Cambria County, PA is being punished for "keeping it real". Gary Vaughn owner of "Gary's Steals and Deals" was arrested for selling stolen merchandise on the internet (story here).

Taking a page from the Dupin handbook Gary has been operating his business since 2004. So the big question is why did it take FIVE YEARS to find this forthright felon? Who knows, but it's probably the same mind set that keeps Clark Kent's secret identity hidden.

WYSIWYG

- Brackish