Double-Barrelled Blessings

The Enemy is cunning indeed. While we have been doing our work to corrupt neutral technologies to spread our sundry temptations (e.g. T.V., the Internet, Xbox) THEY have been working on weapons of Mass Salvation. Apparently there are competing rapid-fire, germ-free communion wafer dispensers in development. So heated is this burgeoning field in the wake of Swine Flu and other pandemic paranoias, there are patent infringement lawsuits flying among the developers (story here).

Nu-Life Products of Minnesota has upped the ante in THE WAR by developing technology known as the “rapid reload system” for fast wafer loading and the “quad-rotator technology” allowing up to 400 wafers to be dispensed without refilling. Former company president of Nu-Life went off to form his own Sacrament Shooter company, hence the lawsuit.

I shudder to imagine these things deployed in the field. Thirteen of such devices could easily be used to give communion in a "5,000 came to believe" worst-case scenario. And in case of a real miracle you wouldn't even need to refill them! I have images of believers strafing above the heads of demons trying to crawl through the mud, like in WWII. Oh the de-humanity!

Well, no matter. We shall press on with our distractions and our temptations. The most difficult enemy to conquer is the one within oneself! As long as we can convince those who have yet to come to The Kid that it is an impossible task, we shall prevail.

Now back to working on the Jonas Brothers,

-- Brackish

Bluetooth Meets Jew-Tooth

Thousands of years after the Law of Moses was given unto man, man keeps adding onto it.
As if the Ten Pushy Orders and the whole of Leviticus wasn't onerous enough! Sheesh. What is WRONG with "Do what thou wilt"? I ask you? The One Below doesn't ask for much, just live for yourself, that's all. If other people get hurt, they can always take revenge. But I digress...

It would seem the latest wrinkle added by the ultra-orthodox Jews in Israel is that it is all right to turn on your cell phones on the Sabbath day, as long as you use your TEETH (story here)! How delightful another burden lifted by adding a subsequent burden! This was to solve a problem faced by orthodox emergency workers who were forced to use cellphones instead of beepers.

Reminds me of the Pharasees of Jesus' day. Grand ol' party poopers they were. Instead of just teaching the people to follow His law, they added a whole bunch of other stuff on top of it so no on would even come CLOSE to committing a sin! In 3rd century AD these interpretations were written down into the Mishnah, which in English would be a book of about 800 pages. These interpretations were then...interpreted and then more "whisper down the lane" volumes followed. These are the Talmud. Fun reading, those. The Command about not working on the Sabbath day was scrutinized to the point they had to define what "work" meant. They figured that you were allowed to carry a burden as long as it didn't exceed the weight of a dried fig and so on. Petty rules and endless regulations became the focus instead of the actual state of their souls. Thus any joy and meaning was squeezed out of life. I loved those guys.

The Kid saw through this distraction and violated the silliness whenever He could. Preaching Grace and Forgiveness of sins through believing and relying on Him. With Him it wasn't the things you did, but what you believed that united you with the Creator. Sounds like cheating to me.

Anyhoo we still have the orthodox Jews to keep running in their hamster wheels. As the world keeps moving forward, the weight will get heavier and heavier. They even have an organization dedicated to adding MORE legalistic rules when dealing with modern science and technology www.scienceandhalacha.org. I wonder how many chapters are dedicated to the Xbox?

Despite what most American Christians think though, the Jews are still His chosen people. And He alone knows His plans for them. Until then weapons of mass distraction are key, lest they should realize that life is more than rules and the Kid is getting ready for His second world tour.

- Brackish

From the Law Firm of Michael, Gabriel and Raphael

We earlier reported the efforts of one State Sen. Ernie Chambers to bring a lawsuit against God (see "But All of the Best Defense Lawyers Are in Hell"). This was his attempt to raise awareness concerning the filing of frivolous lawsuits in Nebraska. Well, we're not certain but apparently the ghost of Raymond Burr had a hand in making two court filings this week...on God's behalf! (see story).

In the filings God holds that He is "immune from earthly laws" and the earthly court system "lacks jurisdiction". They also hold that He isn't responsible for most human oppression and suffering siting "free will" which is His "greatest gift".

Drat that blasted "free will" defense. I doubt the courts will buy it though. Most of all suffering in the world is caused by people. War, famine, crime, oppression, the mismanagement of resources AFTER natural disasters all by people. However they usually want to blame anyone but themselves. It's either God or us...or the government. But then they blame the government when it rains. Rule of thumb if it rains frogs, it's usually the Other Guy.

Brackish

But All of the Best Defense Lawyers are in Hell.

Tired of frivolous lawsuits, one Nebraskan senator is filing a lawsuit against God. With this State Senator Ernie Chambers hopes to promote legislation to limit the filing of certain types of lawsuits which clog up the system (story here).

This fellow truly has what we in hell like to call, "chutzpah". Ever since that one legal action the Jews pursued against "He Who Sits on the Right", we've been considering our own legal action as well. Over the years we've begun collecting our "dream team", headed by Johnny Cochrane and we have Judge Isaac Parker slated to preside over the trial. The charge you ask? We are considering Anti-Trust proceedings because of His total dominance and control over reality. How's a devil to get anything done, when we can only do what he allows us to do? Doesn't He care about OUR schedules?

No word if CourtTV will air the event.

Brackish

Publishing...House?

I like writing. It gives me a release and a way to express myself. Many times I've tried to get things published and I have high hopes of one day writing the Great Stygian Novel. However, despite my many experiments with the written word there is one form I have not yet explored. That would be writing on houses (story here).

Ms. Estrella Benavides of San Mateo, CA has been fined over $5,000 for painting her literary works upon her home. Benavides claims the writing to be messages from God. Funny, I've read His number one best seller and it doesn't sound like His work. Maybe it's William Shatner.

Brackish

That Will Be 3 Hail Marys and a Shot of Seltzer.

As much as we demons consider priests to be a bunch of clowns, we never expected that they would actually start dressing like them! This story in the Catholic Herald relates the tale of Father Greg "Stripes" Serwa and his life as a priest and a clown for over 30 years.

We hate it when priests use humor in their ministry, because it makes them seem more approachable and (yuck!) human. But seriously who's going to want to go to confession, with all of that honking coming from the other booth?

Brackish

Guess Who's Second Coming to Dinner

There were actually two things that angered us, when He created humans. One was, of course, the fact that they received free will, but the other was their ability to reason. It was those two things that placed them above the animals and the angels. It is what made them children. So it is that we relish any instance in which humans forgo the use of either ability and again show themselves to be the ignorant animals that they are.

Case in point in this story, a young couple claims to have found the face of "the One Who Sits on the Right" in their kitchen cabinet. First off, it never occured to them that patterns show up in wood grain that's how it's formed and the human mind (such as it is) is geared to try to make sense of whatever patterns it sees. The effect is like that of seeing animal forms in puffy clouds. If one claimed to see a bunny in the kitchen, there would have been no news story. As I stare at my office carpet, I myself can make out two Mohammeds, a Virgin Mary and a Mickey Rooney. Secondly, as far as miracles go, this sort of lacks the punch of say "parting the Red Sea", or raising someone from the dead. They actually think He has nothing better to do but go around and appear in burritos and woodworking. Naturally this actually works FOR our cause, as it religates the Creator of the Universe, to a cheap illusionist who needs to do small tricks to keep Him in the hearts and minds of men. If they ever truly understood the power, the strength, and the love He has and is willing to share with them, they would be lost to us forever.

Thankfully true miracles are rare, but when they happen they are unmistakable. They seemingly break all natural laws, but if One wrote the law that is a bit on the easy side. Miracles never contradict anything He has already said about Himself. Instead they have a purpose that reveals more about His nature. This knowledge will then cause a person to change his life for the better.

But when something strange occurs, humans are slow to engage the minds they were endowed with and are quick to attribute the event to God, or aliens, or even us. Making them afraid of every errant breeze or bump in the night. Now I would like the accolades but truly, my best work is done in secret. The attention would only make one aware of the whole Good vs. Evil thing and nothing beneficial can come of that. If human beings would only slow down, engage their brains and use their reason to discern the logical causes for such "supernatural" events, then they would be better attuned to recognize when God is truly speaking to them. This realization, is also thankfully very rare indeed.

Well, I must be off. I'm practicing baking potato chips that look like the Virgin Mary.


Brackish