Urine the Money...

In this new "green" age conservation is all important. In the interest of saving water many a human might be tempted to allow the "yellow to mellow", as it were. Well, for a pair of Swedish bank robbers, the practice of leaving their No. 1 behind, has landed them in deep No. 2 (story here)!

The two thieves attempted to rob a bank in Copenhagen, Denmark by hiding in it's vault overnight. In between ghost stories and doing each other's hair they relieved themselves in plastic bottles. Come morning when the employees opened the vault the robbers fled the scene with empty bladders and packs full of loot. However, they neglected to bring their leavings with them. DNA taken from the...um..."evidence" left behind led to the arrest of one of the bandits. The second criminal and the loot have yet to be recovered.

Here's hoping he keeps his nose, and his HANDS clean.

- Back in Black. Your's truly,
Brackish

Double-Barrelled Blessings

The Enemy is cunning indeed. While we have been doing our work to corrupt neutral technologies to spread our sundry temptations (e.g. T.V., the Internet, Xbox) THEY have been working on weapons of Mass Salvation. Apparently there are competing rapid-fire, germ-free communion wafer dispensers in development. So heated is this burgeoning field in the wake of Swine Flu and other pandemic paranoias, there are patent infringement lawsuits flying among the developers (story here).

Nu-Life Products of Minnesota has upped the ante in THE WAR by developing technology known as the “rapid reload system” for fast wafer loading and the “quad-rotator technology” allowing up to 400 wafers to be dispensed without refilling. Former company president of Nu-Life went off to form his own Sacrament Shooter company, hence the lawsuit.

I shudder to imagine these things deployed in the field. Thirteen of such devices could easily be used to give communion in a "5,000 came to believe" worst-case scenario. And in case of a real miracle you wouldn't even need to refill them! I have images of believers strafing above the heads of demons trying to crawl through the mud, like in WWII. Oh the de-humanity!

Well, no matter. We shall press on with our distractions and our temptations. The most difficult enemy to conquer is the one within oneself! As long as we can convince those who have yet to come to The Kid that it is an impossible task, we shall prevail.

Now back to working on the Jonas Brothers,

-- Brackish

Probably Needs the Money for all he Helium Balloons...

It has been said that you are only as old as you feel. I myself on most mornings feel like a sprightly 500 year old. That is, of course, except for Mondays when I feel positively eldritch!

Admiration abounds for an senior sinner who hasn't let the snow on his pate lessen his ambitions. The FBI is currently hunting a bank robber who is seventy years old and uses an oxygen tank. Dubbed the "Geezer Bandit", this droopy Dillinger has robbed FIVE banks in the last three months (story here)! Each time he is armed and escapes on foot. I repeat he ESCAPES ON FOOT, and NOBODY has caught him! Just how old are the FBI agents I wonder?

Young at heart, but the back aches...
- Brackish

Season of Spin (repost from Oct. 08)

Ah, it is again that time of year when powerful opponents with many followers attempt to influence the public by telling falsehoods against the other. No I'm not referring to the current political contest in the States, but I'm referring to Halloween.

Halloween, which is the Christian name for Samhain an old Celtic holiday, has long since been a boogie-man to many a pulpit percher. This year the 700 Club published their annual propaganda against the holiday (story here).

Now while we encourage ANY faith or practice that distracts from the Other Side, the celebration of Halloween is NOTHING compared to the campaign AGAINST it that comes every year. What a great way to win converts by telling candy collecting children and other fun loving celebrants that they are going to Hell. Handing out tracts and shouting out judgements actually pushes people further in our direction than if one reaches out in love and concern.

But are any of their arguments true? Is Halloween Satan's Christmas? Do modern Wiccans still hold evil rituals during this time of year? Well to tell the truth Halloween is rather a "meh" holiday around here. But that doesn't prevent the 700 Club from putting their spin on it. Let me do a "factcheck.org" by dispelling a few points against their campaign:

• Samhain, while truly the original name of the ancient Celtic festival, is NOT the name of their "Lord of the Dead". There was NO "Lord of the Dead". There is a "Lord of the Dance", and Michael Flatley scares the maggots out of me! Actually Samhain was the time of year, the time when the growing time ended and the long winter was to begin.

• The Celts did NOT sacrifice people for religious purposes at this time. There is only a single record of this and this was written by Julius Caeser. It was wartime propaganda.

• This wasn't a time to worship demons, but a hopeful time to honor long past relatives and to get messages of hope for the future.

• Costumes and "Trick-or-Treating" are actually from a later period and have much more to do with the Christian influences on the holiday.

• Halloween actually the Christian name which is short for "All Hallows Eve". November 1 is All Saints Day, a Church holiday to honor the saints and to give converted Celts a holiday to "replace" Samhain.

• His Lord Below had very little to do with the holiday other than promoting it as a distraction. It was just another "Also Ran" like other faiths. No more, no less.

• Wiccans typically celebrate Samhain on a date NEAR October 31. They don't want to be bothered by the many "Trick-or-Treaters" who are out on Halloween.

For more information, from an unbiased source, I direct you to the Library of Congress's website HERE. And for more info about Wicca I humbly submit this from Religious Tolerance.org HERE.

But maybe our best tactic here shouldn't be to dispel the rumors and falsehoods directed against us. Perhaps we should "turn the other cheek" as it were. For as long as people are fighting against this harmless bastardization of a now defunct belief system they aren't spreading the true and more dangerous message of the good news of the Nazarine. They aren't focusing on the real ills of the world and worrying about establishing good relationships with hurting and lost people. Their bad witness might win more converts for us than the mess Christmas has become.

Hmmm. Well, I could do with a rest. I've been up late nursing Toby, my Mongolian death worm through a bout of IBS. That's hell on a worm, they are ALL intestine!

- Happy Halloween,

Brackish

Dropping Trou for the Lord

Human men wearing women's clothing has both been considered a staple of classic comedy and a spring-board for unnatural depravity. It has never been considered a way to bring one closer to one's creator...until now. An island in Fiji has banned the wearing of pants on Sunday as a way to mark the Sabbath and keep it holy (story here). Instead men are to wear the traditional island sarong called a sulu. Which I find ironic because Mr. Sulu has been known to wear women's underwear for sometime now, I understand.

The Methodist Church on the island of Bua has ordered congregants to refrain from work on Sunday or from using motorized transportation. Emergency services are, of course, exempt from this restriction. Pity, because I would have loved to have seen paramedics running on foot to the scene of an accident with their skirts flapping in the breeze.

Not that there's anything sarong with that...

- Brackish

Wouldn't He Be More Interested in Kitty Porn?

We've all heard the old saw "the Devil made me do it". Well, how about, "Fluffy made me do it"? Recently a Florida man blamed the presence of thousands of child porn materials found on his computer, ON HIS CAT! (story here). Mr. Griffin's cat apparently refused to comment.

Now I've always found the shifting of blame on His Infernal Majesty rather innaccurate and insulting. For one, the Master Below, is too busy to handle EVERYONE on earth. Unlike the Enemy, the Master isn't omnipresent. He has to commute and his travel expenses are rather impressive. Secondly, what is the fun in MAKING a human DO anything? That would negate free will and therefore sin. Remember our ultimate goal is the damnation of all hairless monkeys. If we possesses them to do evil, it isn't THEM doing the evil and then they are not responsible. It is FAR better for our purposes to use each human's natural inclinations against them. They do most of the work, we just have to make sure that the human is aware of the "alternate choice". "Alternate" meaning the one we would prefer. Also on an unrelated note, possession is rather "showy", we do our best work in the dark.

But to blame one's own proclivities on the CAT. Well, that's priceless! My own pet death worm, Toby, is nowhere near as technically savvy as that feline must be. Sadly even if the cat was responsible it would be a meaningless victory for us as we know that cats don't have souls. :)

Remember dogs and cats are animals,
death worms are people!

- Brackish

Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to Alley Oop what is Alley Oop's

Do you know what killed the dinosaurs? Apparently it was TAX EVASION! File this under, "It's not what you teach but how you live". Kent Hovind, who started a creationist theme park in Pensacola, FL is now serving ten years in federal prison for failing to pay his taxes (story here).

He tussled with scientists as well as the IRS saying he and his employees were "employed by God" and therefore not subject to payroll taxes. That would have been news to Jesus who paid the temple tax as illustrated in the scriptures. But then the Kid never consulted H and R Block.

Hovind's "Jurasic Park" will be seized by the government, but there will be no federal agent with a flaming sword stationed outside. Those who believe the world is under 6,000 can continue to be misinformed via the tubes of the internet (drdino.com).

- Brackish