Intercepted Message from the Enemy

Greetings pets! Today is an unusual day as I did not write the meat of today's report. Apparently one of our agents found a misplaced PDA with a distinctive "double-winged" logo emblazoned on the back. On it we found what seemed to be the rough draft of a dispatch from the enemy camp. We reproduce it here in its entirety to remind our readers that they are constantly preparing their weapons for war so vigilance is key.

Daily report for September 2008

Gabriel Reporting

It has come to our notice that many of the saints share similar concerns, and said concerns are constantly being brought to the Father in prayer. While this is commendable as ALL concerns are to be dealt with by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, we have noticed that some of these requests are very repetitious and are taking time away from other concerns which may need to be focused on. So in the name of efficiency I will take it upon myself to answer one or two of said concerns to conserve the saints' precious time.

Request No. 1: World Peace
This one comes up alot. It is also a frequent goal of many a beauty contest winner. We started an investigation to uncover the parties responsible for this plague of war, and it seems that we have very little to do with it. It would seem that ALL of the wars and rumors of wars are caused by you lot. So we suggest that if you desire world peace, quit whining about it, talk amongst yourselves and stop bothering each other already. It all comes down to community. Good relationships cannot be created supernaturally as it would negate free will. Peace is the result of the softening of hearts and minds towards ones' neighbors, next door and overseas. You're all crammed together on that mud ball so you should try to get along.

Request No. 2: The Weather
Requests of this type usually follow the pattern of "Please don't let it rain today", "Please let it rain today" or "Please let school be closed on account of snow" and so on. As many of you know the Earth is filled with life. The world isn't just a static piece of art. No, no it is comprised of many active systems, the tectonic plates shift, volcanoes roar, an the weather patterns drift and change. These are all signs of a living, breathing world, a magnificent creation. If any of such systems stopped or had never existed, life could not and would not be supported. Rain needs to fall, volcanoes need to erupt, and snow will fall when necessary. It's no matter complaining. If humans could control the weather it would be sunny when it needed to rain, snowy when it needed to be clear and so on. God knows what is needed and he doesn't need your advice. If you find it rains too much in your current location, or you find that earthquakes occur rather often in another...MOVE! You were made adaptable and the world has many climates. We still don't understand why you lot flock to California when you know the ground is likely to buckle and heave. You must really like oranges.

Request No. 3: Sports
In every game there are winners and losers, whether it be checkers or the olympics. However before each game, almost unerringly, someone prays that God would grant them the victory. Humans get so wrapped up in the spirit of competition, they develop an underlying sense that "our" side is the "good guys" and the other side the "bad guys". This is very silly. Games are for fun and sometimes profit. There is no moral component involved, and the victor is determined by the player's own ability. Instead pray that you and your team train hard and grow in your abilities. Then you can be sure you are playing your best. To have God "cheat" by giving you victory is against his divine nature. Praying is not to be used for "doping"!

It should also be noted that fans will pray for the victory of their chosen individual or team. God will not change the outcome of a competition to keep you entertained. If you are unhappy about the outcome we suggest you take up another, noncompetitive hobby, like stamps. Or you could actually root for a winning team. Either way we suggest staying clear of the Philadelphia Eagles, they'll break your heart.

I hope that this clears up the matters discussed and will help you to be more productive in your prayers. And on a final note, please stop praying about winning the lottery. Random numbers are supposed to be random! And don't ask how randomness can exist if God is in control of everything, my carpal tunnel is acting up.

Sincerely,

Gabriel

But He WILL Bless Your Evian...

During these troubled times air travel has become a little more restrictive.  We have become so successful with instilling fear about terrorism that airline security has spawned a ever growing list of items that are "verboten" in one's luggage.  Items as innocuous as nail clippers and shampoo bottles have be scrutinized and confiscated all in the name of safety and piece of mind. However, a new item has been added to the list which will cause many a commuting nosferatu to rest in their cargo holds more securely.  The pope has requested that on an upcoming trip to Lourdes, the journalists that will accompany him are not to bring any of the shrine's holy water home with them (story here).

Now this hydrophobia is not sponsored so much in the name of safety, but of convenience. Passengers found with "liquid Lourdes" will be subject to more lengthy delays at the airport's security check points.  The pope apparently is not a patient pontiff.

We for many years have been pondering the question of "holy water", especially since the One Who Sits on the Right seems to prefer wine.  There are many instances of water being used for ceremonial purposes such as in Old Testament washing rituals that priests conducted while in the temple, and then of course baptism.  However in every case it doesn't seem that the water itself has any powers, but that the power rested in the actions performed with the water and in the Enemy Himself.  Even with the miracles involving food the food stuffs themselves weren't imbued with power.  The water changed to wine was just good wine and the bread and fishes, while more plentiful than before, didn't heal the sick or make blind men see.  Only the Enemy has such power.  And He is unfortunately far too eager to share it with those who come to Him, with humility and a repentant heart.

No matter.  For our R and D department has attacked this problem from the opposite end.  If it is possible to make "holy" water, therefore it must be possible to create "cursed" water.  Our research efforts have thus produced "Love Canal" and the Schuyllkill River in Philadelphia. Personally, I prefer to make one's subject forget water all together in favor of the "fire water" men produce.  

Bottom's Up,

Brackish

Saved My Soul with Rock N' Roll

We down here have had a long history with Rock and including Roll.  Rebellion with a healthy dose of hedonism are the rip currents that have swept many a soul through our gates, and many before their times.  As a mode of self expression, it isn't much use to us.  When the music is used as a tool by introspective people, the result can actually unite and comfort suffering souls by sharing common experiences.  Bleh!

It's the selfish, narcissistic,  hate filled, intemperate, lotus-eaters that bring in the business for us. They are the ones that tap into the youth's frustration of being under their parents and influence listeners to challenge the values handed down to them.  Either way, Rock is supposed to have an edge to it.  The music deals with raw emotions that can arise from unsatisfactory government policies (e.g. Vietnam) to basic out and out randiness (e.g. anything by Prince).

The inability to distinguish between the two is undoubtedly which gave rise to the angst-lite version the favorite video game Guitar Hero.  Now you too can rock "not too very hard" to  the music of Petra and the Newsboys (story here).  What no Carmen? We're still chuckling over "Devil, Bite the Dust."  Well, not when actually in the presence of Our Father Below.  Not that he could actually hear us with how he constantly blasts his Celene Dion records at all hours.

This IS Hell, after all.

Brackish

What Goes Up...

Being on two different sides of the great spiritual divide, the Enemy and we have different tactics for getting people to "check out" early. We tend to push people to thinking that life is a burden that they just can't bear any longer. They tend to make people realize that life is a precious gift that should only be layed down if in the process of helping others. But sometimes He intrudes on this game to take pieces out while they are still in play. Elijah, was taken to heaven in a chauffeur driven chariot, Enoch abruptly stepped out, and the Kid in the "less is more" fashion simply and elegantly rose to heaven in the clouds.

Be that as it may it seems that budget cuts are being made in the whole "Assumption Department", as an Italian priest has disappeared while flying on party balloons (story here). Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli lifted off from Paranagua, Brazil in an effort to raise (no pun intended) funds for a "spiritual rest-stop" he had hoped to establish. After eight hours the port authority lost contact with him and Rev. di Carli was reported missing. A search yielded a soggy mass of multicolored party favors...but no priest. It is assumed that since he was an experienced sky diver, and he was well equipped with food and safety gear, he may still be alive.

Ah, but where is he living now? Has he heaved heavenward on holy helium? Who knows. But I wouldn't be surprised if during the Rapture we spy believers shooting skyward while holding onto inflatable rubber simulacrums of Sponge Bob Squarepants. In which case I would caution them to beware of the flaming pea shooters of the enemy. Bwhhahaha!

Brackish

Needed: Three Day Waiting Period on Small Mammals

You're familiar with the ol' saw that video games inspire violence in those who grew up playing them? Funny, I swear that violence and torture existed way before the advent of the joystick. Anyway this next story might go towards proving the theory, that is if the game in question was "Sonic the Hedgehog".

In New Zealand 27 year old, William Singalargh, was arrested for assaulting another young man wiiiiith a herring! Oh, wait no it was a hedgehog (story here). This prickly projectile was flung several yards and hit a 15 year old boy in the leg causing a little bleeding. The hedgehog was found dead. His name is being withheld until his next of kin are notified. The little guy's family might find some solace in the fact that if Singalargh is convicted, he is facing 5 years in prison.

Hmm. I wonder if he hasn't got something there! Weaponized hedgehogs, could be the wave of the future! I see terrorists with bandoleers stuffed with the tiny mammals attacking innocent crowds of hemophiliacs. Hey, what if they were set on fire first? Beware the flaming hedgehogs of the enemy!

Excuse me while I draft a memo.

Brackish

I'd Rather Go with Over the Counter Albino

Greetings all! Sorry for the hiatus, but do to a major shake up (an actual 7.9 earthquake) in our department we've had to put things on hold to reorganize. During the restructuring, and I do mean restructuring as half of the building sank to a lower level of Hell in the process, I got a promotion! No longer am I just a Tempter Second Class. Now I'm a Tempter Second Class with a "Black Stain". After six more stains I get a full promotion. I am very excited and it can only mean bad things for Toby, my Mongolian Death Worm, and myself. Onward and downward!

So without further ado, here is an interesting bit of news concerning the cost of prescriptions. Everyone is complaining about prices going up. Basic necessities of life have become harder to afford as the American economy continues on it's topsy-turvy ride. Healthcare is much on everyone's mind as it is becoming increasingly difficult to get the proper insurance and medications one needs to stay healthy. However in the country of Tanzania, that price seems to have truly risen to an aspiring level. The cost of a prescription is a human life! (story here)

Witch Doctors have been filling their medicine chests, with the chests, arms, fingers, eyes, and various other bits and pieces of Albino men and women. Somehow I don't think THAT is regulated by the FDA! Albinos are supposed to bring luck and prosperity to those around them according to local superstitions. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case for themselves as they are finding their members locked up next to the Sudafed.

Here at AD555 we do have our own excellent health coverage through, "Inverted Cross and Black Shield". But that's because we can only get sick and not really die. With that ultimate consequence removed you'd be amazed how low malpractice insurance is!

'Til Later

Brackish

Hunt the Krampus

Nothing bothers me more than a brown-noser. Sure we have our share of obsequious maggots here in Hell. Pain tends to make one rather compliant. However on the earthly plane there is a particularly nauseating tradition in the Alpine regions which stokes an inferno in my gullet. I refer to the character of "the Krampus". In many European cultures Santa Claus, St. Nick, or Father Christmas depending on whatever alias applies, sometimes has helpers other than elves that follow him around during the season. In Austria, a tradition left over from pagan times holds that St. Nicholas in his triumph over evil was able to subjugate a demon to do his bidding. This hairy, long tongued demon known as the Krampus carries a switch and wears chains as a sign of his servitude. While St. Nick gives gifts to the good, the Krampus beats the stuffing out of those who have been naughty and crams them into his sack. His big day is December 5th, the day before the fat man shows up, known as St. Nicholas Eve or Krampus Day. People dress as the Krampus and wander around the village square terrorizing children and dodging their snowballs. How humiliating!

In Southern Austria this initial ritual has expanded to a full week-end extravaganza! The Krampusfest (Kränchen) begins on the Saturday after St. Nicholas Eve. This is more of an adult event as the focus is actually on BEING naughty. Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed and later expressed by rather unnatural but sadly inevitable means.

In the Netherlands this story evolved into the tradition of "Black Peter" (Zwarte Piet), a black Moor in colorful pantaloons, feathered cap, and Renaissance costume. His role is the same as the Krampus, but since Peter is supposedly a foreign "devil" from Spain, he spirits naughty children back to his homeland in a sack that he carries. Odd, I thought most people thought New Jersey was hell. For obvious reasons the more modern version of the story has Black Peter gaining his coloration from chimney soot rather than heritage. Jessie Jackson stands unconvinced.

Now the theme of righteous men having control over infernal powers is nothing new to myth and legend. According to Jewish folklore King Solomon had a ring which gave him power over demons. It was said that it was this spiritual labor force that helped build his temple. Bet Hollywood could use THAT during the writer's strike! Of course neither architecture nor following a dotty old gift giver truly appeal to me this holiday season. I'm just going to do what I do every Christmas Eve...steal parking spaces away from last minute shoppers! Bwahaahahahahahha!

Brackish

P.S. A list of other "Tim Burtonesque" companions can be found here.