What Goes Up...

Being on two different sides of the great spiritual divide, the Enemy and we have different tactics for getting people to "check out" early. We tend to push people to thinking that life is a burden that they just can't bear any longer. They tend to make people realize that life is a precious gift that should only be layed down if in the process of helping others. But sometimes He intrudes on this game to take pieces out while they are still in play. Elijah, was taken to heaven in a chauffeur driven chariot, Enoch abruptly stepped out, and the Kid in the "less is more" fashion simply and elegantly rose to heaven in the clouds.

Be that as it may it seems that budget cuts are being made in the whole "Assumption Department", as an Italian priest has disappeared while flying on party balloons (story here). Rev. Adelir Antonio di Carli lifted off from Paranagua, Brazil in an effort to raise (no pun intended) funds for a "spiritual rest-stop" he had hoped to establish. After eight hours the port authority lost contact with him and Rev. di Carli was reported missing. A search yielded a soggy mass of multicolored party favors...but no priest. It is assumed that since he was an experienced sky diver, and he was well equipped with food and safety gear, he may still be alive.

Ah, but where is he living now? Has he heaved heavenward on holy helium? Who knows. But I wouldn't be surprised if during the Rapture we spy believers shooting skyward while holding onto inflatable rubber simulacrums of Sponge Bob Squarepants. In which case I would caution them to beware of the flaming pea shooters of the enemy. Bwhhahaha!

Brackish

Needed: Three Day Waiting Period on Small Mammals

You're familiar with the ol' saw that video games inspire violence in those who grew up playing them? Funny, I swear that violence and torture existed way before the advent of the joystick. Anyway this next story might go towards proving the theory, that is if the game in question was "Sonic the Hedgehog".

In New Zealand 27 year old, William Singalargh, was arrested for assaulting another young man wiiiiith a herring! Oh, wait no it was a hedgehog (story here). This prickly projectile was flung several yards and hit a 15 year old boy in the leg causing a little bleeding. The hedgehog was found dead. His name is being withheld until his next of kin are notified. The little guy's family might find some solace in the fact that if Singalargh is convicted, he is facing 5 years in prison.

Hmm. I wonder if he hasn't got something there! Weaponized hedgehogs, could be the wave of the future! I see terrorists with bandoleers stuffed with the tiny mammals attacking innocent crowds of hemophiliacs. Hey, what if they were set on fire first? Beware the flaming hedgehogs of the enemy!

Excuse me while I draft a memo.

Brackish

I'd Rather Go with Over the Counter Albino

Greetings all! Sorry for the hiatus, but do to a major shake up (an actual 7.9 earthquake) in our department we've had to put things on hold to reorganize. During the restructuring, and I do mean restructuring as half of the building sank to a lower level of Hell in the process, I got a promotion! No longer am I just a Tempter Second Class. Now I'm a Tempter Second Class with a "Black Stain". After six more stains I get a full promotion. I am very excited and it can only mean bad things for Toby, my Mongolian Death Worm, and myself. Onward and downward!

So without further ado, here is an interesting bit of news concerning the cost of prescriptions. Everyone is complaining about prices going up. Basic necessities of life have become harder to afford as the American economy continues on it's topsy-turvy ride. Healthcare is much on everyone's mind as it is becoming increasingly difficult to get the proper insurance and medications one needs to stay healthy. However in the country of Tanzania, that price seems to have truly risen to an aspiring level. The cost of a prescription is a human life! (story here)

Witch Doctors have been filling their medicine chests, with the chests, arms, fingers, eyes, and various other bits and pieces of Albino men and women. Somehow I don't think THAT is regulated by the FDA! Albinos are supposed to bring luck and prosperity to those around them according to local superstitions. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case for themselves as they are finding their members locked up next to the Sudafed.

Here at AD555 we do have our own excellent health coverage through, "Inverted Cross and Black Shield". But that's because we can only get sick and not really die. With that ultimate consequence removed you'd be amazed how low malpractice insurance is!

'Til Later

Brackish

Hunt the Krampus

Nothing bothers me more than a brown-noser. Sure we have our share of obsequious maggots here in Hell. Pain tends to make one rather compliant. However on the earthly plane there is a particularly nauseating tradition in the Alpine regions which stokes an inferno in my gullet. I refer to the character of "the Krampus". In many European cultures Santa Claus, St. Nick, or Father Christmas depending on whatever alias applies, sometimes has helpers other than elves that follow him around during the season. In Austria, a tradition left over from pagan times holds that St. Nicholas in his triumph over evil was able to subjugate a demon to do his bidding. This hairy, long tongued demon known as the Krampus carries a switch and wears chains as a sign of his servitude. While St. Nick gives gifts to the good, the Krampus beats the stuffing out of those who have been naughty and crams them into his sack. His big day is December 5th, the day before the fat man shows up, known as St. Nicholas Eve or Krampus Day. People dress as the Krampus and wander around the village square terrorizing children and dodging their snowballs. How humiliating!

In Southern Austria this initial ritual has expanded to a full week-end extravaganza! The Krampusfest (Kränchen) begins on the Saturday after St. Nicholas Eve. This is more of an adult event as the focus is actually on BEING naughty. Copious amounts of alcohol are consumed and later expressed by rather unnatural but sadly inevitable means.

In the Netherlands this story evolved into the tradition of "Black Peter" (Zwarte Piet), a black Moor in colorful pantaloons, feathered cap, and Renaissance costume. His role is the same as the Krampus, but since Peter is supposedly a foreign "devil" from Spain, he spirits naughty children back to his homeland in a sack that he carries. Odd, I thought most people thought New Jersey was hell. For obvious reasons the more modern version of the story has Black Peter gaining his coloration from chimney soot rather than heritage. Jessie Jackson stands unconvinced.

Now the theme of righteous men having control over infernal powers is nothing new to myth and legend. According to Jewish folklore King Solomon had a ring which gave him power over demons. It was said that it was this spiritual labor force that helped build his temple. Bet Hollywood could use THAT during the writer's strike! Of course neither architecture nor following a dotty old gift giver truly appeal to me this holiday season. I'm just going to do what I do every Christmas Eve...steal parking spaces away from last minute shoppers! Bwahaahahahahahha!

Brackish

P.S. A list of other "Tim Burtonesque" companions can be found here.

Push Button Larceny

We live in an age where technology contributes to make even the most mundane tasks of life effortless to accomplish. People can change channels on the television without lifting their expanding bums off the sofa or they can shop online without ever stepping into a store. Crime too has been affected by this extreme focus on convenience. A woman in South Carolina attempted to rob a bank WITHOUT LEAVING THE CAR (story here)! Barbara Joyner of Callahan, Fla drove up to the South Carolina Bank & Trust drive through and slipped a note into the tube demanding money from the teller. Unmoved, the teller notified police while Barbara waited for her withdrawal. Sadly Ms. Joyner's choice of banks was also convenient...for the police. She was only up the block from the police station, so when they were notified they only had to chase her through the parking lots of two stores before apprehending her.

This is the backlash of our propaganda, I'm afraid. In our push to emphasize the "quick fix" over hard work to provide one's needs, even the quality of sin suffers. True we benefit regardless of HOW the deed is done, but where is the pride in a job well done? It's a great way to bump up one's quota for the week to be sure but these "wins" look rather paltry on the resumé. So I propose we back off on sloth and impatience and emphasize pride in the New Year. In this way we can obtain both quality and quantity in our "collars". With any luck our subjects will be clever enough to become repeat business for us by not getting caught. I'm feeling that '08 will be the year of the crime spree, I mean apart from Microsoft.

Brackish

Dreaming of a Black and Blue Christmas

Once the tryptophan wears off and the weather begins to turn cold, people's thoughts begin to turn to the joyous yuletide season. Actually people's minds begin turning in October, but that's the doing of over zealous retail stores. With the pressures of trying to create the perfect Norman Rockwell holiday memory the simple message of "peace on Earth and good will to men", is lost in a crimson haze of frustration, greed and frenzied materialism. Not quite the birthday "He Who Sits on the Right" would appreciate, but with all of the blood and money flowing it does explain why the holiday colors are red and green. It is truer to human nature than the sentiments espoused in Hallmark Christmas cards. I love this holiday!

The compulsion to be happy and to make others happy creates enough stress that the seams begin to show during even the most innocuous of activities, such as waiting in line to see Santa (story here). Three mothers got into a shoving match while waiting for the overweight God-substitute to parachute into the Anaheim Town Square on Friday. I guess he had to practice an emergency ejection in case the reindeer were shot down by terrorists. Anyway the tussle continued for thirty seconds without injury. I'm sure the parents then impressed upon the kids the need to be good because Santa was watching...along with the security guards.

Many tempters in the field might find it surprising that the day marking the beginning of our defeat can be an effective tool in creating mass casualties for their side. However there is truly no greater temptation needed other than the human desire to be happy. The Enemy never promised happiness in this life when people joined His side. He promised them eternal life and peace in the NEXT life. He allows pain and suffering to be the forces that sculpt believers into little versions of His son, as they learn not to rely on their own resources, but to trust in Him. But all of that is so much WORK! Instead of responding to the mercy the Enemy showed in sacrificing His son for the sins of all, it's easier to save 20% on all electronic goods. It's easier to buy people things, or cook people things, or to engage in happy fun activities...any-THING to distract a human from thinking about where they are going to go when they die.

Changing how one lives his life is tougher than changing how one spends his money or his time. Happy family memories may not be beneficial for us, but if they take priority over the actual meaning of the holiday then let them drink their nog and sing their songs. In the end WE are the ones who get what we want for Christmas.

Too bad it only comes once a year,

Brackish

If Only He Had Cash for the Laundrymat.

Now no one enjoys doing the laundry. I myself tend to put it off as long as possible, but last week my Mongolian Death Worm had digestive problems so I was liberally dipping into the clorox almost daily. Apparently though the person in my next story couldn't be bothered. He wore the same clothes he wore during a bank robbery for two days even though they were covered with the remains of a DYE PACK! (story here)

I admire his work ethic, pulling off three robberies in one week. But where is the style, the finesse? John Dillinger would have at least changed his shirt after doing a job! Those were the days, robbers wore suits, ties and had clean haircuts. Willie Sutton was an immaculate dresser, when he dressed as himself, that is. Usually he wore disguises when he robbed banks which is how he got the name "Willie the Actor" or "Slick Willie". Some fine class of robbers we have these days. We're lucky if they were a clean "hoodie". I was always told that you should dress for the the job you want. Looking at today's career criminals you'd think they'd all want to work at Good Will! Oh well, a devilish deed is a devilish deed. And a hard working devil can't be too picky. After all it's what's on the inside that counts.

Brackish